My wife went to the dentist the other day. He told her, “You need a crown.”
She replied, “I know, right?”
Category: Family Life (page 1 of 2)
In Memorium
Over 65 years ago, Roland Lawrence “Larry” LaPrise penned a simple children’s song that has become a party favorite. Roland Lawrence “Larry” LaPrise wrote the popular children’s song, “Hokey Pokey” in 1949.
It is with solemn joy that we reflect on the life of a very important man who brought so much happiness into our world through a simple little song, yet his passing went almost unnoticed. Larry LaPrise was a singer/songwriter who created the novelty song-and-dance number “The Hokey Pokey” and unwittingly creating a classic for nursery schools and roller-skating rinks.
The “Hokey Pokey’ is like a square dance, really,”
Larry LaPrise
The “Hokey Pokey’ is like a square dance, really,” Mr LaPrise told The Times-News in Twin Falls, Idaho, in 1992. “You turn around. You shake it all about. Everyone is in a circle, and it gets them all involved.”
Mr LaPrise passed away peacefully on 4 April 1996 in a Boise, Idaho hospital at age 83. The most traumatic part of his passing was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in – and that’s when the trouble started…
Read more about Larry LaPrise
TOP TEN indicators you have a Bad Mall Santa
- He takes a ten minute break every time mall security walks by.
- He’s snacking on baked beans and tuna fish on garlic bread.
- He gives out cigarettes instead of candy canes.
- His photography options include a centerfold spread with himself and the elves.
- He keeps telling you what he wants for Christmas.
- You haven’t smelled a pipe like that since college.
- This year, he’s wearing a red leotard, leather thong and earrings.
- He not only knows if you’ve been naughty or nice, but knows your first name, your address, home phone number, your credit card number…
- He asks all the mommies to sit in his lap.
- Ends each sentence with “praise Allah”
My daughter may be a grown up, mature woman to you, but to me, even if she’s over 30, she will still be my little girl.
Rule #1: Picking her up
If you pull into my driveway and honk, you’d better be delivering a package,
because you’re sure not picking anything up.
Rule #2: Proper attire
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your
age to wear their trousers so loosely that they fall off their hips. I want to
be fair and open-minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may
date my daughter with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big,
however, in order to ensure that your pants do not “fall off” during the course
of your date with my daughter, I will take my staple gun and fasten your
trousers securely in place. ‘Hot pants’, ‘short-shorts’ and ‘topless’ are never
acceptable… on either of you.
Rule #3: The Wait
As you sit in my front room, waiting for my daughter to appear, and an hour has
passed, do not sigh and fidget or roll your eyes at me. If you want to be on
time for a movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her
makeup and fixing her hair, a process than can take longer than painting the
Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just sitting there, why don’t you do something
useful, like change the oil in my car or clean my toilets?
Rule #4: Topics of discussion
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we
should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not
do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you
expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need to
hear from you on this subject is: ‘early.’
Rule #5: Lies, drinking, foul language, drugs
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be dim-witted, but on issues relating to my
daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless master of your universe. If I ask you
where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the
truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
- If you are planning on drinking alcohol – don’t.
- If you plan on using foul language – don’t.
- If you plan to use drugs – don’t.
If you plan on lying to me about any of the preceding topics – don’t. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and several acres of woodland. Do not lie to me.
Rule #6: Where you may and may
not go
The following places are considered appropriate for a date with my daughter:
- Shoney’s
- Pizza Hut
- Taco Bell
- McDonald’s
– I realize that Denny’s is open 24 hours a day. Eating there between 8:30 a.m. and 10:30 p.m. is OK. Eating there between 10:30 p.m. and 8:30 the next morning is not.
– Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided. Movies that feature chain saws are OK. Disney movies are even better.
The following places are considered inappropriate for a date with my daughter:
- Places where there are beds
- places where there are sofas
- places with anything softer than a wooden stool
- Places where there is darkness
- Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or hugging going on
- Places where the temperature is warm enough to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts
School functions are okay, church is better, Retirement Homes are even better.
Rule #7: Eye and hand contact
Do not stare at, or touch my daughter inappropriately. You
may glance at her, and admire her dress, but you do not stare anywhere below
her neck. You may look at her face. You may look in her eyes. But remember, her
eyes are not anywhere near her necklace, so you should not be spending a lot of
time looking there. Do not touch her ANYWHERE below the neckline
either. If you cannot keep your hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove
them for you.
Rule #8: Sex
There will not be any.
Rule #9: Your physical well-being
I was in the military. It takes very little for me to mistake
the sound of your car in the driveway for a ‘chopper coming in over Mogadishu.
When my Battlefield Post-Traumatic Stress starts acting up, the voices
in my head frequently tell me to clean and load my guns. For your own
well-being, as soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with
both hands in plain sight. Announce in a loud, clear voice that you have
brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car and depart –
there is no need for you to come inside. I will be awake.
Rule #10: Termination of the relationship
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. As long as my daughter understands this, it is fine with me. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date her, and no one else but her, until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Top ten things you’ll never see on Star Trek
The following is a list of the TOP TEN things you will never see on Star Trek.
#10. The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type that is both harmless and they have encountered several times before.
#9. The Enterprise answers a distress call from a remote outpost of scientists, who are all perfectly fine and sent the distress call as a prank because they were lonely.
#8. Some of the crew visit the holodeck, and it works perfectly.
#7. Dr McCoy asks if he can try to fix the hyper-drive, even though he is a doctor and not an engineer.
#6. The Enterprise successfully transports several alien VIP’s from one place to another without any serious personality conflicts.
#5. Dr McCoy refuses to treat Lt Uhura because she has no health insurance.
#4. The Enterprise visits an earth-type planet called “Paradise,” where everyone is beautiful and happy all the time. It is later revealed that the planet is exactly what it seems to be.
#3. The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp experience which does not take them to the late 20th Century.
#2. Captain Kirk is introduced to a beautiful woman, but he is not interested.
and the #1 thing you will not see on Star Trek: An away crew beams down to the planet’s surface and the crew members wearing red shirts make it back to the ship safely.
Dearest Bubba,
The weather’s been nice here. It only rained twice this week: three days the first time and four days the second time. The coat you wanted me to send you, you’ll have to sew the buttons back on. Your Ant Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them metal buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
Your father has an important new job. He now has over 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass at the cemetery. Your sister had her baby this morning. I haven’t found out whether it is a boy or a girl, so I don’t know if you are an aunt or an uncle. The neighbor’s wife had twins and he is out with a shotgun looking for the other man.
Your brother is turning in to a neighborhood bully. He can beat up all the kids around except for the Murphy kids; they’re both boys. Two of your high school friends died the other day. They went off the Cedar Narrows bridge in a pickup truck. Paul was driving; Randy and Scott were in the back. Paul got Out. He rolled the window down and swam to safety. The other two drowned; they couldn’t get the tailgate down.
Your Uncle Jim fell in the whiskey vat at work. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off. He drowned with a smile on his face. We had him cremated and he burned for three days. Grampa went to the doctor. He wasn’t feeling too well. The doctor told him, “take one of these pills a day for the rest of your life.” Grampa is quite upset ‘cause the doctor only gave him thirty pills. Grandma may be back with us soon. The funeral home said if we didn’t make the last payment on grandma’s funeral, up she comes.
Well, that’s all the news for now. I would enclose some spendin’ money for you, but I’ve already sealed the envelope.
Love, Mom
Application to Date My Daughter
NOTE: This application will be considered incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, family lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.
— SECTION 1 : GENERAL INFORMATION —
- FULL NAME ___________________________________________________
- NICKNAMES ___________________________________________________
- “STREET” NAMES _________________________________________________
- Explain why you have these nicknames _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
- AGE ______ DATE OF BIRTH _________________
- Is your date of birth within 2 years of my daughter’s? ___Yes __ No
- HEIGHT ______________
- WEIGHT ______________
- IQ _____________ GPA _____________
- SOCIAL SECURITY # _________________
- DRIVERS LICENSE # _____________________
- SELECTIVE SERVICE #____________________
- Boy Scout rank and highest badges earned ____________________________________________
- HOME ADDRESS ___________________________
- CITY/STATE ______________ ZIP ___________
Do you have 2 parents? ___ Yes ___ No
Is one male and the other female? ___ Yes ___ No
If Not, explain:__________________________________________
Are your parents married? ____ Yes ___ No
Number of years they have been married _______
If less than your age, explain ______________________________________________
Where do you live?
- ___ with my parents
- ___ in a dorm room
- ___ with friends
- ___ have my own place
- ___ with my ex
- ___ wherever, dude
— SECTION 2: LIFESTYLE —
Do you own or have access to:
a van? ___ Yes ___ No
a truck with oversized tires? ___ Yes ___ No
a waterbed? ___ Yes ___ No
Do you have:
a tattoo? ___ Yes ___ No
an earring, nose ring or any other piercing? ___ Yes ___ No
(pierced tongue, pierced nipples or an ear gauge?)
Do you:
Use tobacco? ___ Yes ___ No
Smoke weed? ___ Yes ___ No
Drink alcohol? ___ Yes ___ No
Huff? ___ Yes ___ No
Take drugs? ___ Yes ___ No
Have sex regularly? ___ Yes ___ No
NOTE: IF YOU ANSWERED ‘YES’ TO ANY OF THE ABOVE QUESTIONS, YOU MAY DISCONTINUE YOUR APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES QUICKLY AND IMMEDIATELY.
— SECTION 3: ESSAY questions —
Describe in 50 words or less, what ‘LATE’ means to you. ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Describe in 50 words or less, what ‘DON’T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER’ means to you.
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Describe in 50 words or less, what ‘ABSTINENCE’ means to you.
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
— SECTION 4: REFERENCES —
Church you attend ______________________________________________________
How often do you attend? ______________________________________________________
When would be the best time to meet your:
father? _____________
mother? _____________
doctor? _____________
Youth minister?____________
teachers?_______________
When my son was about six or seven, I took him to his first baseball game, a Brevard Manatees exhibition game. Along about the sixth inning, we were getting fairly hungry and headed down to the concessions booths. We were about fourth or fifth in line when my son announced, “Hey dad, somebody dropped a dollar.”
Space Coast Stadium, Melbourne, Florida
I looked down, and between our feet was a dollar bill, folded twice. I told him, “Go ahead and pick it up.” So he bent down and picked up the bill.
“Dad, should I ask the man in front of us if he dropped it?” he asked. I admired his desire for honesty, but I explained to him a micro-lesson in human behavior: If you offer a person something of value, and ask, ‘Is this yours?’ an unscrupulous person will always say ‘yes’ and take your offering, even if it’s not honestly theirs. I told him a better way would be to wait and see what happens when the man pulls his money out to pay. If he notices he is missing money, he will start looking around for it. Then is a good time to offer the money you found to him.
We waited through several customers, and none seemed to be missing money, so after about five minutes or so, I told my son he could keep the dollar. We returned to our seats. We sat down and he unfolded the bill and said, “Dad, it’s not a dollar — it’s twenty dollars!” Then he quickly added, “I think I’m gonna like baseball.”
A true Story
My daughter is a very social girl and is always being invited to parties. This week, she’s invited to this girl’s birthday party, that girl’s Summer cookout, and another girl’s sleepover. The trouble is, we don’t find out about a Friday-night-to-Saturday-morning sleepover until after school late on the Friday of. Then it’s, “You didn’t get me a present to take to the party? Yes, I did, I told you two weeks ago that Vicky’s birthday was sometime this month, and she said she was going to invite me if she had a party…” Somehow, there is special coding in the previous sentence that translates to “I’d like to attend Vicky’s slumber party on the 15th starting at six o’clock Friday evening and ending around 9:00 Saturday morning.”
Regardless, this was one of those days. Except it was a day party on a Sunday. We darted out of the church house as soon as the last note was sung, had to run to Wal Mart and purchase a present, wrap it with tape and tissue paper purchased at the Dollar Store, get Rachael to sign a Drug Store birthday card, and deliver our daughter with a wrapped present and card to the door of her friend’s house, hopefully before noon.
We barely made it. We told Rachael we would pick her up 7:00 p.m. before the evening service at church.
The weather turned off bad that evening. It got cold and dark, and started to rain. My wife pulled in the driveway and instructed me to go in and get our daughter. I dashed through the rain and rang the doorbell. The man of the house answered the door.
“Hello, can I help you?” he said.
I said, “I’m here to pick up Rachael.”
“Oh, okay” he said, and he looked a little disappointed. “She’s in the kitchen,” he told me.
“Rachael,” he called, “There’s a man here to pick you up.” Then to me, “She’ll be right out.”
So I stood there, exchanging pleasantries with the man; Where do you work? Have you lived here long? How many children do you have? That kind of chatter. Eventually, a nice-looking lady with long black hair came out of the kitchen and asked me, “Who are you, again and where are you taking me?”
I clarified, “I’m here to pick up Rachael.”
“Yes, I’m Rachel,” she said. And the man added, “my wife, Rachel.”
“I’m here for my daughter, Rachael.” They both looked confused.
“She’s supposed to be at a party at Anna’s?” I added.
“Oh, Anna lives next door!” they said with a huge sigh of relief. We all shared an embarrassing laugh. I apologized for the inconvenience I had done them, and bid them good night.
However, I thought I heard him say as he shut the door behind me, “So, is there something we need to talk about?”
I’m My Own Grandpa
A song by Ray Stevens
Many, many years ago
when I was twenty-three,
I got married to a widow,
she was pretty as could be.
She had a grown-up daughter
with flowing hair of red.
My father fell in love with her
and soon they too, were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law
and changed my very life.
Now my daughter is my mother,
’cause she is my father’s wife.
To complicate the matter worse
– although he brought me joy –
I soon became the father
of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became
a brother-in-law of Dad
and so became my uncle
though that’s not what was so bad:
For if he was my uncle,
then he also was a brother
to the widow’s grown-up daughter
who was also my step-mother.
Then Dad’s wife had a son
who kept them on the run.
He also was my grand-son
for he was my daughter’s son.
My wife is now my mother’s mom
and it still makes me blue,
because although she is my wife,
she is my grandma too.
Since my wife is my grandmother,
and I am her grandchild,
every time I think of it
it really is quite wild,
for now I have become
the strangest case you ever saw:
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa!
My wife has an ingenious system for labeling our dinner leftovers.
When we were first married, she would carefully annotate a label on food storage containers in large, clear letters: “Meatloaf,” or “Pot Roast,” or “Steak and Vegetables,” or “Chicken and Dumplings,” or “Beef Pot Pie.” etc. She knew exactly what we had in the freezer.
The problem was, every day when I came home from work, she would ask me what did I want for dinner? I never asked for any of those meals. I never told her “meatloaf,” or “pot roast,” or “steak and vegetables.” Let’s face it, leftovers are leftovers, and there’s a reason that they’re ‘left over’.
That’s when she started labeling the leftovers with the new system. She decided to stock the freezer with the things I like, the things I requested. Today, in our freezer you’ll see a whole variety of labels. You’ll find dinners with neat little tags that say: “Whatever,” “Anything,” “I Don’t Know,” “I Don’t Care,” “Something Good,” or just “Food.” No more frustration at dinner time. Now, no matter what I reply when she asks me what I want for dinner, it’s in there!
Some firemen were sitting outside at the station house on the fire truck when they notice a little boy coming down the street. The boy is in a little red wagon with small wooden ladders hanging on the side. He is wearing a fireman’s hat and has two ropes tied to the wagon. The two ropes are tied to a dog and a cat, and the dog and the cat are struggling to pull the wagon.
As the boy approaches, the fireman says “Hey little boy. What’s your name?” The boy answers, “Joseph.” “Well, What are you doing, Joseph?” The little boy says “I’m going to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!”
The fireman walks over to take a closer look. “Well, Joseph, that sure is a nice fire truck!” “Thanks mister”, says the boy. The fireman looks a little closer and notices the ropes are tied to the dog’s collar, but the cat’s tail.
“Joseph”, says the fireman, “I don’t want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat’s collar, instead of his tail, I think you would go faster.”
Joseph says, “You’re probably right mister, but then I wouldn’t have a siren, would I?”
McDonald’s Monopoly game piece – peel it to win
MacDonald’s launched their 20th annual Monopoly game contest in 2012. When you buy certain food and drink items from McDonald’s, you get two or four game pieces attached to the packaging. You peel the game pieces off to reveal either an instant win coupon or a monopoly property card that you can try to collect for a big prize.
My daughter has always been lucky when it comes to games of chance. One Christmas, when she was about 10, she wanted to hang around the department store after we bought our Christmas gifts so she could win a door prize. I tried my best to discourage her so we could go home, but she begged, and so we stayed. She won the door prize — a diamond tennis bracelet worth about $200.
The other night, we were eating at McD’s, and my daughter pulls her Monopoly game pieces from her drink cup. A WINNER! She wins a free Tropical Smoothie.
Now remember, my daughter is very lucky when it comes to games of chance.
She goes up to the counter to claim it, and she comes back with a Tropical Smoothie for me and a large vanilla milk shake for herself. “What happened?” I asked. “The guy behind the counter made another customer the wrong drink, so he let me have it for free.” WINNER! Oh and, by the way, the milk shake he gave her had two more Monopoly pull-off pieces. You guessed it. WINNER! – She wins a free order of fries to go with that milk shake and smoothie.
So what did I get on my drink cup Monopoly pull-offs? Luxury tax and GO STRAIGHT TO JAIL.
My wife and I have moved eight times during my twenty year military career. While we haven’t purchased that many houses, we have looked at nearly a bazillion that were for sale. Many of the homes we’ve seen had glaring defects: a sagging roof, crumbling foundation, or it was built at the end of an airport runway.
A good seller’s real estate agent will present even the worst of home defects in a positive way (the house doesn’t have indoor plumbing, but look at how much you’ll save on your water bill!) in an effort to make the sell. Here is an example of how to not only read, but also to interpret a real estate ad:
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