Tag: Uncle Ezra

Uncle Ezra Stays Out All Night

January 2, 2019 / / 0 Comments

Your hands can reveal a lot about you: a ring, or lack of, indicates your marital status. Calluses reveal that you are a laborer. Grease stains identify a mechanic. Manicured nails may indicate you work at an office job, etc.

My Aunt Ruby ran out of bread for dinner, so she sent her husband out to get a loaf at the country store. Knowing that he was bad to get distracted, she warned him, “Now, don’t take this as an opportunity to hang out with the boys, you go straight to the store and back. And don’t go flirtin’ with no women, either!”

   So Uncle Ezra headed out to the corner store to buy some bread. But as he entered the store he saw Cleetus and Fae loafing at the snack bar. Now Cleetus and Fae could usually entice Ezra into trouble, and this day was no different. They invited Ezra over for a ‘yeller dope’ and started to work their mischief.

  “Hey, Ez,” Cleetus began. “You ‘member Sally from back in the sixth grade?” “Yeah, she was a cheerleader, you recall,” added Fae. “Yeah, I ‘member her.. she’z nice.” Ezra said with a slight smile. “She’s in here,” added Cleetus, and pointed to the row of canned goods. There stood Sally, slender and blonde, much like she looked many years ago. “Go talk to her,” they prompted.

  Fae pushed Ezra towards Sally. Ezra grinned, and walked up to Sally. He shuffled on his feet, and started up a conversation. It turned out that Sally had gone on to be a very successful fashion model, and had just moved back into town. She invited Uncle Ezra back to her apartment for some coffee.

Ezra went.

  Once in her apartment, they talked and laughed and recalled the old days. Sally showed Ezra her portfolio and told him all about her modeling career; the places she had gotten to travel to, and famous people she had met. They lost track of time, talking until early morning. Sally went to get the coffee, but when she returned, Ezra had fallen asleep on her sofa. Sally covered him with a blanket and went off to bed.

  At five o’clock the next morning, Ezra rose with a start. “Oh my goodness! Oh my goodness! I’ve been here all night!” he hollered. He woke Sally and asked, “Do you have any baby powders?” She got him some and he rubbed it on his hands. “I enjoyed the visit, Sally, and it was nice to see you again, but I’ve got to go,” he said, “Ruby’s gonna be waitin’ up fer me, and she’s gonna be mad, I know!” and he ran out the door.

  At home, Uncle Ezra opened the front door slowly. Sure enough, Ruby was waiting with a wooden rolling pin in her arms. “Where you been?” she asked, “and YOU BETTER NOT HAVE BEEN WITH NO WOMAN.” “Well honey,” he began, “I went to get the bread and I run in to some of the boys down to the store, and they bought me a ‘yeller dope’, and whilst I was drinkin’ it, old Sally from grade school come up and commenced to talkin’ to me ’bout how she got a career in modelin’, and she invited me back to her place for some coffee, and I went, and we looked at her modelin’ pictures, and got to laughin’ and talkin’ and all, and I fell asleep on her couch, and I woke up just a little while ago and come straight home, and that’s the God-honest truth.”

“Let me see your hands,” demanded Ruby. Uncle Ezra showed her his hands, covered with baby powders.

“Just as I thought,” Ruby said, “You been out bowling with Cleetus and Fae all night.”

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That Poor Cat

December 19, 2018 / / 0 Comments
dinner

Uncle Ezra had a cat that had been on the farm for all his life. He was a great ‘mouser’, and would kill the rats that tried to get in Uncle Ezra’s feed corn.

   This one week, however, the cat was in no mood to chase the rats. He just laid around, licking his belly ever so often. He wouldn’t move, and he didn’t look well. Uncle Ezra got worried and called the vet.

   Uncle Ezra described what was happening, and the vet told him it sounded like simple constipation. The vet had rounds to make, but said if Ezra would give the cat a cup-and-a-half of Castor oil, he would stop by and check on the animal on his way home.

  That evening, the veterinarian stopped by Ezra’s. “How’s your calf doing?” he asked. “Calf?” asked Uncle Ezra. “It wasn’t a calf that was sick – it was my cat.”

   “You didn’t give the cat a cup-and-a-half of Castor oil, did you?” “Why, yes, I did,” said Uncle Ezra, “I thought that was what you wanted me to do.” “Oh, my! Where is the poor little creature?” the vet asked.

  Uncle Ezra said, “Well, last time I seen him, he was headed out across the back field with three other cats. One was digging holes, one was covering them up, and I believe the third was scouting for new territory.”

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Uncle Ezra goes Hunting

October 15, 2018 / / 0 Comments

Uncle Ezra and his friend, Roosevelt, decided to go try hunting one Saturday morning. Having never been before, they decided that their best chance for success would be to go as far away from civilization as they could. They drove their pickup for miles back into the woods, along the infrequently traveled Fire Tower Road. When they reached the fire tower, they parked and walked farther into the thickest, densest part of the woods, and sat down in a bramble thicket.

Bummer of a birthmark, Hal

There they waited for a deer to come by. And waited. And waited.

“SShhh,” whispered Roosevelt, “I think I hear somethin’.”

  Sure enough, it was a buck deer with huge antlers. They could barely contain their excitement as the buck walked toward them, closer, closer. Then “BOOM!” The sound of the rifle split the silence. They had taken their first deer of the season, the first ever for them.

   Roosevelt grabbed the deer by the hind legs and started dragging him through the brush, toward the truck. “Help me, Ezra, grab that other leg,” he said. They pulled and tugged, but the antlers keep getting tangled in the weeds. They had been working unsuccessfully at dragging the deer out for about ten minutes when the game warden showed up.

  “I heard your shot, and I’ll need to check your license”, he said. They handed over their licenses and the warden glanced them over. “Your paperwork’s good,” he said. “That’s a fine-looking deer you got. Is this your first one?” he asked. “Yes” Roosevelt replied. The warden said, “I noticed you were having trouble taking it out of here. You might find it easier if you pull it by the antlers.” As he walked away, he called back, “You two have a good evening.” And he left.

  So Uncle Ezra and Roosevelt grabbed the deer by the antlers and began dragging him out of the woods. This time, they made much faster progress. “The Warden was shore ’nuff right,” Roosevelt said, “It’s much faster dragging him by the antlers.”

“Yeah, ’tis,” said Uncle Ezra, “We’re makin’ much better progress, but unfortunately, now we’re getting farther and farther away from the truck.”

cartoon: Gary Larson, “The Far Side”

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Uncle Ezra goes Fishing

October 14, 2018 / / 0 Comments

Uncle Ezra and his friend, Roosevelt, decided to go fishing one Saturday morning. They didn’t own a boat, so they were always restricted to casting from the water’s edge. But this day, as they pulled up to the boat dock, they saw a man was renting little john boats for $2.00 an hour.

“Hey,” said Roosevelt, “if we pool all our money, we could take a boat out for an hour or two.” Uncle Ezra thought that to be a fine idea. So they pooled the money from their pockets, looked in the dash of their truck, in the ashtrays, in the floorboards and between the seats. They came up with two dollars and fourteen cents – and they rented a boat.

 The first forty-five minutes of fishing were atrocious. They had to sit extremely still, the little boat threatened to capsize. Their lines got twisted, they hooked the weeds, dropped a rod in the water, and the only bites they got were from the mosquitoes. With less than ten minutes remaining of their hour, they paddled to the center of the lake, and found a nice dark hole.

They cast out out a worm. BAM! A strike. BAM! another one, and another! As fast as they could take them off the hook and put on another worm, another line would have a fish on. Now they couldn’t keep up with the rate at which they were pulling fish in.

  Roosevelt grabbed a wide black marker out of his fishing kit and drew a big black “X” on the side of the boat. “What ‘r you doin’?” asked Uncle Ezra. “I’m marking our spot,” said Roosevelt, “so’s next time we come back out here we ‘kin find ‘hit again.”

“You dumb old man, you”, said Ezra, “ ‘At ain’t gonna’ work. Don’t you know the odds are agin us gettin’ the same boat next time?”

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