Month: January 2019

Top Ten Lists – dog vs. wife

Ten reasons a dog is better than a wife

Top Ten Reasons Why Dogs are Better Than Wives:

  1. The later you are, the more excited your dog is to see you.
  2. Dogs like it when you rub their head.
  3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
  4. A dog’s parents never come to visit.
  5. A barking dog will shut up once you let them in the house.
  6. You never have to wait on a dog; they’re ready to go 24 hours a day.
  7. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
  8. A dog will not wake you up in the middle of the night to ask, ‘If I died, would you get another dog?’
  9. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don’t get mad. They just think it’s interesting.
    And last, but not least:
  10. If a dog leaves you, it won’t take half of your stuff with it.

For a definitive test of why a dog is better than a wife, try putting your dog and your wife in the car trunk for an hour and see which one seems happier to see you when you open the trunk.

Then there’s this sinister reason: If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

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How Old Do I Look?

Just because you’re old, doesn’t mean you’re dead

 Gloria was a widow on the make at the local nursing home. She was after just about every man in the place. “Frank,” she said. “Hmmmm,” he replied from his hiding place behind the newspaper. He was not really wanting to start a conversation with Gloria. Especially this conversation.

“Do I look old?” she asked. “Hmmmm,” he replied again.

   “Well, I don’t feel old. My hair may be grey, my eyelids drooping, and the ‘girls’ are hanging farther South these days, but I think all in all, I look pretty good. What do you think?” she asked.

“No, you don’t look old.” he replied,

She continued to pester him for reassurance. “I just feel like I’m elderly and matronly. How old do you think I look?”

   Finally, he put the newspaper down. “Gloria,” he said, “You have the body of a 24-year-old, the face of a 20-year-old, and the hair of an 18-year-old.”

“Thank you, Frank,” she said.

Frank said, “Now, let me finish… I haven’t added them up yet.”

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Uncle Ezra Stays Out All Night

Your hands can reveal a lot about you: a ring, or lack of, indicates your marital status. Calluses reveal that you are a laborer. Grease stains identify a mechanic. Manicured nails may indicate you work at an office job, etc.

My Aunt Ruby ran out of bread for dinner, so she sent her husband out to get a loaf at the country store. Knowing that he was bad to get distracted, she warned him, “Now, don’t take this as an opportunity to hang out with the boys, you go straight to the store and back. And don’t go flirtin’ with no women, either!”

   So Uncle Ezra headed out to the corner store to buy some bread. But as he entered the store he saw Cleetus and Fae loafing at the snack bar. Now Cleetus and Fae could usually entice Ezra into trouble, and this day was no different. They invited Ezra over for a ‘yeller dope’ and started to work their mischief.

  “Hey, Ez,” Cleetus began. “You ‘member Sally from back in the sixth grade?” “Yeah, she was a cheerleader, you recall,” added Fae. “Yeah, I ‘member her.. she’z nice.” Ezra said with a slight smile. “She’s in here,” added Cleetus, and pointed to the row of canned goods. There stood Sally, slender and blonde, much like she looked many years ago. “Go talk to her,” they prompted.

  Fae pushed Ezra towards Sally. Ezra grinned, and walked up to Sally. He shuffled on his feet, and started up a conversation. It turned out that Sally had gone on to be a very successful fashion model, and had just moved back into town. She invited Uncle Ezra back to her apartment for some coffee.

Ezra went.

  Once in her apartment, they talked and laughed and recalled the old days. Sally showed Ezra her portfolio and told him all about her modeling career; the places she had gotten to travel to, and famous people she had met. They lost track of time, talking until early morning. Sally went to get the coffee, but when she returned, Ezra had fallen asleep on her sofa. Sally covered him with a blanket and went off to bed.

  At five o’clock the next morning, Ezra rose with a start. “Oh my goodness! Oh my goodness! I’ve been here all night!” he hollered. He woke Sally and asked, “Do you have any baby powders?” She got him some and he rubbed it on his hands. “I enjoyed the visit, Sally, and it was nice to see you again, but I’ve got to go,” he said, “Ruby’s gonna be waitin’ up fer me, and she’s gonna be mad, I know!” and he ran out the door.

  At home, Uncle Ezra opened the front door slowly. Sure enough, Ruby was waiting with a wooden rolling pin in her arms. “Where you been?” she asked, “and YOU BETTER NOT HAVE BEEN WITH NO WOMAN.” “Well honey,” he began, “I went to get the bread and I run in to some of the boys down to the store, and they bought me a ‘yeller dope’, and whilst I was drinkin’ it, old Sally from grade school come up and commenced to talkin’ to me ’bout how she got a career in modelin’, and she invited me back to her place for some coffee, and I went, and we looked at her modelin’ pictures, and got to laughin’ and talkin’ and all, and I fell asleep on her couch, and I woke up just a little while ago and come straight home, and that’s the God-honest truth.”

“Let me see your hands,” demanded Ruby. Uncle Ezra showed her his hands, covered with baby powders.

“Just as I thought,” Ruby said, “You been out bowling with Cleetus and Fae all night.”

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Lucky – not

I am not one who plays the lottery regularly, but I do enjoy playing a scratch-off ticket every once in a while. When I lived in Virginia, I would pick up a $1 scratch off when I paid for my gas on the way home from work. I never won much, a dollar back here, two dollars there. I won $20 one time.

I moved to Tennessee in 2008. I believe the Tennessee Lottery is rigged. Given the laws of probability, it’s just not possible to lose as many games as I have. To save time, I should just have lottery loses deducted directly out of my pay, just like taxes are. My odds of winning are the same as if I picked through losing tickets thrown out in the parking lot dumpster. But I’ll let you be the judge. Here is my most recent scratch-off. To win, you must match one of the winning numbers , in this case, 26 or 24, to one of the other ten numbers.

As you can see, the number 26 wins a prize because it matches the number 26 printed in the red circle. My reward is circled in red.

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