dog – Beetle63's Treasury of Humor

Top Ten Lists – dog vs. wife

Ten reasons a dog is better than a wife:

The later you are, the more excited your dog is to see you.

Dogs like it when you rub their head.

Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

A dog’s parents never come to visit.

A barking dog will shut up once you let them in the house.

You never have to wait on a dog; they’re ready to go 24 hours a day.

Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

A dog will not wake you up in the middle of the night to ask, ‘If I died, would you get another dog?’

If a dog smells another dog on you, they don’t get mad. They just think it’s interesting.
And last, but not least:

If a dog leaves you, it won’t take half of your stuff with it.

For a definitive test of why a dog is better than a wife, try putting your dog and your wife in the car trunk for an hour and see which one seems happier to see you when you open the trunk.

Then there’s this sinister reason: If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

FAQs about Women

December 21, 2018 / beetle63 / 0 Comments

Questions About Women:

Is a Laundromat really a good place to pick up a woman?

No, because a woman who can’t afford her own washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

How many men should it take to open a can of soda?

None. It should already be opened when she brings it.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It’s one of those “evolutionary things” that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something intelligent?

When she begins the sentence with “A man once told me…”

How do you fix a woman’s watch?

There’s no need to. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men have gas more often than women?

Because women can’t shut up long enough to build up pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who should you let in first?

The dog. He’ll shut up once you let him in.

Why do men typically die before their wives?

Because they want to.

Thank You for the Dog

November 25, 2018 / beetle63 / 0 Comments

Now, I’m not an Animal Hater. But I’m no Animal Lover, either. I guess you could say I’m “animal apathetic.” That is to say, I am not really concerned about or involved in the lives of critters. Don’t get me wrong, I believe there is a place for all animals in this world — and it’s right next to the mashed potatoes.

When my kids were in elementary school, my wife mentioned how she had a dog when she was young, and how much she enjoyed the dog. I knew what was coming next…. So, being the scientific-minded person that I am, I quickly threw together two lists. One list was the benefits of having a dog. The other list was the burdens of having a dog.

On the POSITIVES side:

The kids would like to have a dog
A dog could protect our home

Now for the NEGATIVES:

dog food costs money
someone has to feed the dog
someone has to walk the dog
someone has to bathe the dog
someone has to pick up poop
someone has to let the dog in and out
I would be that someone
dogs chew up stuff
dogs throw up stuff
dogs fart
dogs require a fenced area
fences cost money
dogs bark
dogs bark all day
dogs bark all night
dogs bark and fart all day and night
dogs pee
dogs pee on the floor
dogs pee on your sofa
dogs pee on your carpet
dogs pee in your bed
dog pee stinks
dogs dig holes
dogs dig lots of holes
dogs dig holes where I have to mow
dogs poop where I have to mow
dogs poop where I don’t mow
dog poop stinks

and the list goes on…

it’s hard to take a dog on vacation
dogs are not welcome everywhere
you have to arrange for care if you don’t take your dogs with you
dog care costs money
no one really wants to watch your dog for you
dogs don’t help with the mortgage

…So, a few weeks later, my wife comes home from a visit to her mom and dad’s, and guess what she’s hauling? – A living, breathing, eating, farting, pooping, stinking dog. This dog did everything on my “NEGATIVES” list from the minute his feet hit the ground. He dug holes, tore up the yard, chewed the posts off our deck, tore a hole in the siding, tore the casing off the back door, and constantly jumped the fence to terrorize the neighborhood. Now, he wasn’t a mean dog; he was just a puppy doing the things that 80-pound puppies do. He was also a two-foot-tall puppy, all muscle and over-excitement. He jumped on our neighbor with muddy paws, ruining her Sunday dress. Later, he scratched a neighbor’s child while ‘playing.’ After that, I convinced my wife to give him away.

Several years later, my father-in-law, Clifford, was over for dinner, and the subject of dogs came up. I recalled our time with that dog and that Clifford was the one who gave him to us.

“Cliff, I never thanked you for the dog you gave us, did I?” I asked.

“No, I don’t believe you ever did,” he replied.

“… and I never will.” I told him.

What Dogs Do

November 24, 2018 / beetle63 / 0 Comments

What the Dog Hears

November 22, 2018 / beetle63 / 0 Comments

What Does the Dog Say?

November 21, 2018 / beetle63 / 0 Comments

The Fire Engine

September 23, 2018 / beetle63 / 0 Comments

Some firemen were sitting outside at the station house on the fire truck when they notice a little boy coming down the street. The boy is in a little red wagon with small wooden ladders hanging on the side. He is wearing a fireman’s hat and has two ropes tied to the wagon. The two ropes are tied to a dog and a cat, and the dog and the cat are struggling to pull the wagon.

As the boy approaches, the fireman says “Hey little boy. What’s your name?” The boy answers, “Joseph.” “Well, What are you doing, Joseph?” The little boy says “I’m going to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!”

The fireman walks over to take a closer look. “Well, Joseph, that sure is a nice fire truck!” “Thanks mister”, says the boy. The fireman looks a little closer and notices the ropes are tied to the dog’s collar, but the cat’s tail.

“Joseph”, says the fireman, “I don’t want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat’s collar, instead of his tail, I think you would go faster.”

Joseph says, “You’re probably right mister, but then I wouldn’t have a siren, would I?”

A {blank} walks in to a Bar

September 18, 2018 / beetle63 / 0 Comments

One-line jokes start with a simple introduction that does two things: first, it prepares you that you are going to hear a joke, and second, it sets the stage for the presentation. Many classic one-liners start with the same simple line: “knock-knoc…” “A traveling salesman…”, or the long-tenured, “A {****} walks into a bar.” Here are some one-line bar jokes you may or may not have heard:

A Horse walks in to a bar. The bartender asks, “Why the long face?”

A bear walks in to a bar and says, “Bartender, I’ll have a beer and …”

“… a pack of peanuts.” The bartender asks, “Why the big pause?”

A grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The grasshopper looks surprised and asks, “You have a drink named Steve?”

A man and a giraffe walk in to a bar. After having several drinks, the giraffe passes out, so the man decided to call it a night. As he walks out the door, the bartender says, “Hey, you can’t leave that lying in here.” The man responded, that’s not a lion, it’s a giraffe.

A monkey walks into a bar and says, “A scotch on the rocks, please.” The monkey hands the bartender a $100 bill. The bartender thinks to himself, this monkey doesn’t know the prices of drinks, and gives him a dollar in change. The bartender says, “You know, we don’t get too many monkeys in here.” The monkey replies, “Well, at $90 a drink, I ain’t coming back, either.”

A dog walks in to a bar, but he only gets a mild concussion.

A termite walks in to a bar. He asks, “Is the bartender?”

A dog, a cat, a horse, a monkey and a bear and a giraffe walk in to a bar. The bartender looks at them and asks, “Is this some kind of joke?”

A Valuable Dog

September 13, 2018 / beetle63 / 0 Comments

The coonhound is the perfect dog for hunting in the South

My father-in-law had an old huntin’ dog that he figured was worth some pretty good money, so he put her up for sale. Pretty soon a neighbor man came around and offered him a $100 for the dog. My father-in-law sold it.

The next day, he got to regrettin’ old Blue not bein’ around, and he called the man up and asked to buy his dog back. The man said “O.K, but I’ve kinda growd to like her. She’ll cost you $150.” My father-in-law paid for the dog and went home. He was glad to have her back that day, but when nightfall came, the dog got the itch to hunt. The dog howlin’ and scratchin’ at the door kept him up all night, so the next morning, he called the other man back.

He said, “If you still want the dog, I’ll sell her back to you, but I’ll have to have what I should’a charged you the first time — she’s gonna’ be $200 now.” The man thought about it for a little while and then said he’d take her.

Dad got to thinkin’ a couple days later about what a good huntin’ dog she was and eager she was to go hunting the night she was back. “It’s no tellin what that dog’s really worth,” he thought to himself. So he called the man to buy her back again. The man said, “Sorry, Clifford. I sold that dog to a man over in Chinquapen. He gave me $300 for her.” Cliff said, “Why’d you do that, you fool? We was both making good money off’n that dog.”

Hot Dog

September 11, 2018 / beetle63 / 0 Comments

The Dalmation, an icon of every American small-town Fire Engine Company

When my daughter, Rachael was in elementary school, her class took a field trip to the local fire station to learn about how firemen protect the lives and property of our people. Arriving at the station house, they saw a huge red pumper engine with its shining chrome hardware filling the engine bay. But the children’s attention was diverted away from the huge fire engine by a different firehouse attraction: the company’s fire dog.

History tells us that the iconic Dalmatian fire dog dates back to the 1800’s. Dogs and horses are very compatible animals, so the dogs were easily trained to run in front of the engines to help clear a path and guide the horses and the firefighters to the fires quickly. They are still chosen by many fire fighters as pets in honor of their heroic service in the past.

This particular fire company had a mascot that all the children clamored to see and pet. Eventually, they began discussing the purpose of the firehouse dog.

The first little boy said, “The dog is there to brin the firemen good luck.” The second boy said, “No, the dog is there to keep the people away from the fire while the firemen put out the fire.” Then a little girl chimed in, “You’re both wrong. It’s the dog’s job to find the fire hydrant!”

Tag: dog