October 2018 – Beetle63's Treasury of Humor

What A Man Wears

or – the effect of a pretty girl on men’s clothing

Human Psychology says that what clothing a man wears is very dependent on the reward he expects to receive in return for any extra effort it takes to look a little better. In other words, the greater the potential of reward, the better a man will dress. However, there is a conflicting theory that says as a man grows older, he couldn’t care less what he looks like, regardless of the potential of reward.

Let’s look at an example. Given the potential to interact with the pretty girl (pictured), and the effects of aging, here are my observations on men dressing:

The Situation:

You are in the middle of some kind of fix-up project around the house, such as mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room, or whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or paint. You have your old “work clothes” on, and you know exactly the outfit I’m talking about: that old Boy George and the Culture Club t-shirt with yellowed armpits, the shorts with the hole in the crotch, and an old pair of white tennis shoes, the toes of which are grass-stained green.

Right in the middle of the most crucial part of your home improvement project, you realize you need to run to WalMart to get something to complete the job. Since you will have to inter-act with people, you will do one of the following depending on your age:

You stop what you are doing. Take a shower. Shave. Blow-dry your hair. Brush your teeth. Floss. Gargle. Put on neat, clean, leisure-lifestyle clothes. You check your face and your abs in the mirror and flex your biceps. You add a splash of your cheap cologne Aunt Margaret bought you for your birthday. You never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. Actually, it turns out you go to school with the pretty girl running the register.

You stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and polo shirt. Change your shoes. You married the hot chick who worked the WalMart register, so there’s no need to be prowling around. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. You still got it. To cover the smell of sweat, you add a shot of your AXE cologne – which you can afford now that you have a job. The cute girl running the register is the younger sister to someone you went to high school with.

You stop what you are doing. You put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the broken zipper of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat to cover your mussed hair. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute cologne is almost empty and you don’t want to waste any of it on a trip to WalMart. Check yourself in the mirror and do more belly-sucking-in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register at WalMart is your daughter’s age and you feel kind of creepy for just talking to her. You wonder how many guys think your daughter is just as spicy.

You stop what you are doing. Put a hat on to cover your hair loss, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don’t want to track dirt into your brand new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror. Swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it accentuates your man-boobs. The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have what it takes. What you don’t realize is that the T shirt you have on is from your buddy’s bait shop and it says, “I Got Worms.”

You stop what you are doing. Realize that you need to go to WalMart to get something you’ll need to finish the job. Don’t bother with your face or your shirt — why would you? You haven’t bothered to check yourself in the mirror since you turned 58. There is no need for a hat anymore, either. Hose the dog poop off your shoes. As you drive to the WalMart, you remember there’s a hole in your shorts and you hope you have some underwear on.

You forget what you are doing. Remember what you were doing. Start doing it again. Remember why you stopped the first time. You decide to wait to go to Walmart until you go in the house and get your prescriptions so you can have them filled at the same time. Don’t see, smell, or even care that there is dog poop on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather who recently passed away.

You stop what you were doing. Rest. Start again. Then stop again. Rest. Now you remember that you need to go to WalMart for something to finish the job. Go to WalMart and wander around trying to remember what it was you came for. Fart out loud and turn around because you think someone called out your name. Leave streaks of dog poop off your shoes from the front to the back of the store. Stop to talk to the decrepit, crotchety old lady that greeted you at the front door and discover that she went to school with you.

I’m Here to Pick Up Rachael

October 29, 2018 / beetle63 / 0 Comments

A true Story

My daughter is a very social girl and is always being invited to parties. This week, she’s invited to this girl’s birthday party, that girl’s Summer cookout, and another girl’s sleepover. The trouble is, we don’t find out about a Friday-night-to-Saturday-morning sleepover until after school late on the Friday of. Then it’s, “You didn’t get me a present to take to the party? Yes, I did, I told you two weeks ago that Vicky’s birthday was sometime this month, and she said she was going to invite me if she had a party…” Somehow, there is special coding in the previous sentence that translates to “I’d like to attend Vicky’s slumber party on the 15th starting at six o’clock Friday evening and ending around 9:00 Saturday morning.”

Regardless, this was one of those days. Except it was a day party on a Sunday. We darted out of the church house as soon as the last note was sung, had to run to Wal Mart and purchase a present, wrap it with tape and tissue paper purchased at the Dollar Store, get Rachael to sign a Drug Store birthday card, and deliver our daughter with a wrapped present and card to the door of her friend’s house, hopefully before noon.

We barely made it. We told Rachael we would pick her up 7:00 p.m. before the evening service at church.

The weather turned off bad that evening. It got cold and dark, and started to rain. My wife pulled in the driveway and instructed me to go in and get our daughter. I dashed through the rain and rang the doorbell. The man of the house answered the door.

“Hello, can I help you?” he said.

I said, “I’m here to pick up Rachael.”

“Oh, okay” he said, and he looked a little disappointed. “She’s in the kitchen,” he told me.

“Rachael,” he called, “There’s a man here to pick you up.” Then to me, “She’ll be right out.”

So I stood there, exchanging pleasantries with the man; Where do you work? Have you lived here long? How many children do you have? That kind of chatter. Eventually, a nice-looking lady with long black hair came out of the kitchen and asked me, “Who are you, again and where are you taking me?”

I clarified, “I’m here to pick up Rachael.”

“Yes, I’m Rachel,” she said. And the man added, “my wife, Rachel.”

“I’m here for my daughter, Rachael.” They both looked confused.

“She’s supposed to be at a party at Anna’s?” I added.

“Oh, Anna lives next door!” they said with a huge sigh of relief. We all shared an embarrassing laugh. I apologized for the inconvenience I had done them, and bid them good night.

However, I thought I heard him say as he shut the door behind me, “So, is there something we need to talk about?”

Service Hardship

October 28, 2018 / beetle63 / 0 Comments

Rules of Combat (and life)

October 27, 2018 / beetle63 / 0 Comments

Rules about self

You are NOT Superman.
Ambition, attitude, and brains – two are required to be successful.
Anything you do leaves you vulnerable – including doing nothing.
Try to look unimportant, the enemy may be low on ammunition.
Don’t look conspicuous, it draws enemy fire.
Don’t draw enemy fire, it makes you quite unpopular with your unit.
Bravery is being the only one who knows you’re afraid.
Never share your foxhole with someone braver than you.

Rules about weapons

Remember your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
Always aim towards the Enemy.
If in doubt, empty your magazine.
You have three seconds when lighting a five-second fuse.
When the pin is pulled, the grenade is not your friend.

Rules about logistics:

Things that must be together to work, can’t be shipped together.
Batteries fail when there’s no other power source available.
Radios fail when you desperately need fires support.
Flashlights are tubular metal containers for storing dead batteries.
The only time you can have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.
If something hasn’t broken on your weapon, it’s about to.
If you are short on everything except enemy, you are in combat.

Rules about tactics

No plan survives initial contact intact.
If it sounds stupid – but it works, it’s not stupid.
If your attack is going well, you are walking into an ambush.
It is generally inadvisable to eject into the area you just bombed.
Any ship can be a minesweeper… once.
If you see a bomb technician running, follow him.
If one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you still have enough power to make it to the scene of the crash.
Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your situation to a person on the ground incapable of doing anything about it.

Rules about fires

The only thing more lethal than incoming fire, is incoming friendly fire.
Incoming fire has the right-of-way.
Tracer fire works both ways.
Friendly fire isn’t.
If the enemy is in range, so are you.

rules about strategy

Professional soldiers are predictable – but the world is full of amateurs.
If you are forward of your intended position, artillery will fall short.
The diversion you are ignoring is really the main attack.
The important things are always simple – the simple things are hard
The easy path is mined.
When both sides are convinced they are about to lose, they’re both right.
If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will have more than your fair share of objectives to take.

Finally:

Once you win the battle, don’t forget to tell the enemy

Pastor Search

October 26, 2018 / beetle63 / 0 Comments

In the churches I have attended, when a pastor leaves, the church body elects a “Pastor Search Committee” whose job it is to interview pastoral candidates, negotiate a compensation package, and ultimately hire a pastor.

Report from the Pastor Search Committee

We of the Pastor Search Committee do not have a happy report to give. We have not been able to find a suitable pastoral candidate for this church, though there were quite a few promising prospects. The following is ourconfidential report listing the candidates and our reasons for rejecting them.

ADAM: Could not confirm his ethnicity. Sounds like a good man, but blames his wife when things go wrong. I also heard that he and his wife were nudists.

NOAH: Had a former mega-pastorate for 120 years but no converts. He’s prone to radical building projects. A big animal lover. I understand his last neighborhood received a flood of complaints right as he was leaving town.

JOSEPH: A big thinker. Excellent business acumen with budgets and managing resources. But he’s a braggart. He believes in dream interpretation, and I think he served some time in jail for accosting his boss’s wife.

MOSES: A modest and meek man, but a poor communicator; has a speech impediment. Prone to anger and reacts rashly in business meetings. He claims to hear quotes directly from God. Some say he had to leave town over accusations of a murder charge. He’s too intense for most folks. And someone said he was a basket case from the beginning.

ESTHER: Female.

SAUL: A promising candidate, tall, strong, handsome, and a popular leader. However, I found out later he was only selected out of desperation.

DAVID: I found David to be the most promising candidate of all until I discovered he had an affair with his neighbor¹s wife. And then her husband mysteriously died in battle? Don’t know how we could respect him.

SOLOMON: Great preacher, but he’s a player, has had serious issues with women. He is Independently wealthy, so there’s a possibility the church could pay him less and he can cover the difference. Of concern is a possibility that he may have more than one wife.

ELIJAH: Prone to depression and collapses under pressure. He hasn’t returned my calls, and no one has seen him in a long time. Doesn¹t play well with religious leaders of other denominations.

HOSEA: A tender and loving pastor, but there’s concern over his wife¹s occupation.

JONAH: This man is crazy. He told me he was swallowed up by a great fish. He said the fish spit him out on the shore nearly three days later. Oh, and he lived for a while under a giant pumpkin, too.

AMOS: Too much of a country hick. Backward and unpolished. With some seminary he might have promise; but he has a hang-up against wealthy people.

JOHN: Says he is a Baptist, but dresses like a hippie. He may be too Pentecostal. Tends to lift both hands in the air to worship when he gets excited. He currently sleeps outdoors, does one of those weird organic diets, and provokes other denominational leaders.

PETER: He has a bad temper, even said to have cursed on occasions. He’s a loose cannon.

PAUL: A powerful motivator and fascinating preacher; and he’s a published author. However, he’s short on tact, unforgiving with younger ministers, harsh, and has been known to preach all night. Very offensive to women when he starts his “submission” stuff. And he’s been arrested on more than one occasion.

TIMOTHY: Too young and inexperienced.

JESUS: He has a popular following occasionally. Once, when his church grew to 5000 almost overnight, he managed toHT offend them all with his message. Eventually, that church dwindled down to twelve people… and one of them turned against him for some reason. Even the faithful finally left his team. Critics report he seldom stays in one place very long, is easily distracted by poor, sick, and needy people, so he doesn’t focus on preaching. Disappeared for forty days one time to go camping and everyone thought he had left the ministry. He spends a lot of time in meditation, and not enough in the office. And, by the way, he is single, which should disqualify him automatically. It’s reported He hangs out with sinners most of the time. Rumor has it he’s got crossed up with the government some how. He’s been subpoenaed several times. Besides, he’s Jewish.

Summary:
We intend to keep looking until we find the perfect pastor for our Church, but it’s not looking good at this point.

Sincerely,

Pastor Search Committee.

Dangerous Questions

October 25, 2018 / beetle63 / 0 Comments

Be careful what you ask a woman

The following information was prepared to alert younger men to dangerous questions that they may inadvertently ask their wives or girlfriends; questions that on the surface have no consequence – but can prove seriously disastrous to a relationship if not worded skillfully.

DANGEROUS: You’re not wearing that are you?

SAFER: Is that what you’re wearing?

SAFEST: Are you ready to knock ’em dead?

DANGEROUS: What are you so pissed off about?

SAFER: Could we take a minute to calm down?

SAFEST: Here’s fifty dollars, where do you want to go shopping?

DANGEROUS: Are you ready to admit you were wrong?

SAFER: Is’nt this the first time you’ve ever been wrong?

SAFEST: Are you ready for me to apologize?

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?

SAFER: You know we have some fresh apples?

SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine to go with that?

DANGEROUS: What’s for dinner?

SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?

SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

And my personal favorite…..

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?

SAFER: You didn’t over-do it today, did you?

SAFEST: How long have you had that comfortable-looking robe?

Family Fruit Loops

October 24, 2018 / beetle63 / 0 Comments

I’m My Own Grandpa

A song by Ray Stevens

Many, many years ago
when I was twenty-three,
I got married to a widow,
she was pretty as could be.

She had a grown-up daughter
with flowing hair of red.
My father fell in love with her
and soon they too, were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law
and changed my very life.
Now my daughter is my mother,
’cause she is my father’s wife.

To complicate the matter worse
– although he brought me joy –
I soon became the father
of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became
a brother-in-law of Dad
and so became my uncle
though that’s not what was so bad:

For if he was my uncle,
then he also was a brother
to the widow’s grown-up daughter
who was also my step-mother.

Then Dad’s wife had a son
who kept them on the run.
He also was my grand-son
for he was my daughter’s son.

My wife is now my mother’s mom
and it still makes me blue,
because although she is my wife,
she is my grandma too.

Since my wife is my grandmother,
and I am her grandchild,
every time I think of it
it really is quite wild,

for now I have become
the strangest case you ever saw:
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa!

Low-Mileage Car

October 19, 2018 / beetle63 / 0 Comments

Alabama Driver’s Manual

October 18, 2018 / beetle63 / 0 Comments

A Word From Our Gov’ner:

Welcome to Alabama. Whether you are a new ten-year-old driver moving up from farm tractors to automobiles, or an eighty-year-old driver with two cataracts and a slow response time, this online Alabama Driving Guide will help you to understand and follow Alabama’s Traffic Safety Laws.

When driving in Alabama, it is important that you always drive in the most unconventional and unpredictable manner possible. Doing this keeps other drivers alert and reduces your chance of accidents. Remember, Alabama is the home of the Talladega Superspeedway, and just like our favorite NASCAR driver, the Legendary and fictitious superstar Ricky Bobby, the goal of every Alabama driver is to get to their end-point in the fastest manner possible, by whatever means are necessary.

Right-of-Way Rules:

If you remember nothing else from this handbook, at least remember this: As an Alabama driver, you have the right-of-way in all situations.

If anyone infringes on your right-of-way, honk your horn, curse loudly, and gesture with a single finger to let them know your displeasure.

Also, you may give up the right-of-way whenever it amuses you, or whenever you can’t remember the traffic laws. Obtaining eye contact with another driver automatically rescinds your right-of-way. It is also a good idea to yield the right-of-way to any vehicle that is bigger and has more steel than yours, especially if you feel like it will come out ahead in the event of an accident.

Pedestrians:
Pedestrians do not have the right-of-way. Pedestrians should not be in the cross-walk when the light changes. Pedestrians in crosswalks are considered fair game. A little time in the hospital will remind them that you, as the owner of an Alabama-licensed vehicle, always have the right-of-way. Warning!! if you make eye contact with a pedestrian, you give up your right-of-way.

Safe Traveling Distance:

Under no circumstances should you leave a distance greater than one-half car length between you and the car in front of you. “Share the Road” means leave plenty of space for cars to pull in behind you. If you leave too much space between you and the car in front of you, it will be filled by some other driver who will most likely be traveling slower than you are, putting you both in an even more dangerous situation.

Automotive Lighting

The primary purpose of headlights is to remind other drivers that you have the right-of-way. Do not use headlights when driving during daylight hours – it just wastes energy. Unless absolutely necessary, do not use your headlights in towns or cities during hours of darkness. That’s what street lights are for, and you pay for them with your taxes. Also, flashing your high beams at other drivers at night is far more effective when coming from an fast-traveling un-lit car.

In rural situations, headlights can be used to allow you to see the road ahead when it gets very dark. Modern cars and trucks do not come equipped with sufficient lighting for rural driving.

The state of Alabama strongly recommends you purchase a light bar with at least four high brightness krypton beams if you will be doing any rural driving. During hours of darkness, you may use parking lights and spotlights to see along back roads, into deer stands, and in residential neighborhoods.

Emergency Flashers

Turn on your emergency flashers whenever you:

drive in the rain
stop for a yard sale
haul hay
stop to count cattle in the field
tow a disabled pickup
drive slower than the speed limit
drive faster than the speed limit
want cars on the highway to get out of the left lane
are not sure if you want to turn right or left
back down an exit ramp
back up on the interstate

Signaling Your Intentions:

Turn signals give other drivers clues as to your next move. Alabama drivers should never use them.

Traffic Lights:

Alabama traffic lights have three colors: Tuscaloosa red, Auburn orange (some call it yellow), and green.

A red light means “stopping is permitted”. Right turns on red are permitted. If you are quick about it, a left turn on red is permitted. Straight through on red is sometimes permitted. A U-turn on red is permitted.

A yellow light indicates the light is going to turn red, and that you should speed up. Otherwise, a yellow light should be treated the same as a red light. Remember, the faster you drive through a yellow or red light, the smaller your chance of getting hit.

A green light simply lets you know that the red and yellow light are off, but the traffic light is still working. Never proceed through a green light without caution. Always look right and left and right and left again before proceeding, unless you have side impact airbags and good no-fault insurance.

Traffic Signs:

Traffic signs are purely for decoration of the roadside, they are like advertising; just ignore them. Alabama is installing new electronic traffic warning system signs along the interstates to make Alabama look high-tech and to distract your attention from the police car parked in the median. They are also decorative. Speed limit signs contain arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and usually not enforced except on vehicles with out-of-state tags.

Traffic Lanes:

Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane change is called “going with the flow”. Never pass on the left if there is good paved surface you can use to pass on the right. Don’t worry about people entering the highway; remember, as an Alabama driver, you have the right-of-way. Using the shoulder of the road, on-ramps, or off-ramps to pass are perfectly acceptable whenever freeway traffic drops below 50 mph.

Maneuvering Your Vehicle:

When making a turn, announce your intention to turn by looking straight ahead. If turning right, pull to the left side of the lane. If turning left, move your car slightly on to the right shoulder, but keep your left wheels squarely centered in the travel lane. If any vehicles impede your turn, honk at them and gesture wildly. Remember, as an Alabama driver, you have the right-of-way.

Safe Braking:

Modern vehicles are equipped with Anti-lock Braking Systems (ABS). Fortunately, very few cars in Alabama are modern vehicles. If you do happen to have a modern vehicle, ABS requires that you brake as hard and as late as possible, a technique called “stopping short”. Short-stopping insures your ABS system kicks in. What good is it to have the ABS system if you don’t use it? A side benefit to ABS is the nice, relaxing foot massage you receive as the brake pedal pulsates If you are in the 80% who drive clunkers without ABS, you should still practice stopping short. Sort-stopping is a opportunity to strengthen your leg muscles.

Learn to swerve abruptly. Alabama’s oyster-shell roads are a great place to learn high-speed slalom driving and drifting techniques thanks to their naturally slick surface, augmented by the infrequent rains and millions of Alabama cars that leak oil. Your tax money allows the Alabama Department of Transportation to maintain potholes in key locations to test your driver reflexes and keep you an alert driver.

Always slow down and rubberneck whenever you see an accident, someone changing a tire, a hitchhiker, or a vehicle out of gas. It is perfectly alright to come to complete stop in the middle of a street or highway to check an address, especially during rush-hour.

When you see an Alabama State Patrol car sitting in the median of an interstate, slow down immediately and you will not be stopped. For instance, if you are driving 20 mph over the speed limit in a 70-mph zone, slow down to 50 mph for the next two miles. The 20 mph difference between your speed and the speed limit offsets the 20 mph difference in the speed limit and your original velocity.

Passing:

Speed limits do not apply while passing.

Before passing a car, tailgate the car in front of you to signal to the driver that they are going too slow.

Announce your intention to pass by looking straight ahead, swerving into the left lane, and pressing the accelerator pedal to the floor. If there is not enough room to pass in the left lane, or you face oncoming traffic, do not abort your passing maneuver as you will confuse other drivers. Lane markings are purely decorative, and you should make the most efficient use of the entire paved surface during passing. Plan your passing move to overtake a slower vehicle at the next intersection, highway on-ramp, or off-ramp. Ramps, shoulders, medians and sidewalks allow you extra room for passing. A two-lane road with shoulders will easily fit three cars side-by-side; that’s why the shoulders are there. Use the left shoulder to continue your passing maneuver. Remember, when passing a slower vehicle, you have the right-of-way.

During the hours of darkness, set your headlights to high beam to convey your intention to pass, especially on blind curves.

Construction Zones:

Construction Zone signs are set up to tell you about road closures ahead. They are typically set up immediately after you pass the last available exit, but before the traffic begins to back up. A lane closure is just an experiment used by the Alabama Department of Transportation to see how many vehicles can fit in a minimum amount of space.

Adverse Weather Conditions:

Heavy snows, ice, fog, or rain is no reason to modify any of the previously listed rules. Should you approach a heavy snowdrift, icy roads, or flooded conditions, just remember, as an Alabama driver, you have the right-of-way. These weather conditions are mother nature’s way of keeping incompetent drivers off our roads. As a side benefit, it also contributes to a lower Alabama jobless rate for body shop workers, junk yard owners and new and used vehicle salesmen.

Driving Practice:

Female student drivers should practice putting on pantyhose and applying eye makeup at fifty-five miles per hour as well as in bumper-to-bumper traffic.

Going Green:

As a final word, Alabama is embracing the “Go Green” movement. Throw your litter out the window. Throwing litter on the roads adds visual variety to the landscape, keeps existing litter from getting lonely and gives Adopt-a-highway volunteers, the homeless, and Alabama State Prisoners something to do while building their self-esteem.

I hope you have found this document both informative and helpful in your pursuit of safe driving.

Men vs. Women

October 16, 2018 / beetle63 / 0 Comments

In many ways, it’s obvious that men and women are different. But there are subtle differences as well. For instance, women sit and walk with their elbows tucked in, men sit and walk with elbows out.

If you ask a woman to ‘look at her nails,’ she will hold her hand with the back-side up; fingers pointed straight out to see how her nails look compared to each other, and in the overall presentation of hands, fingernails, rings, and bracelets. When you ask a man to ‘look at his nails,’ he will hold his hand palm-up, curling the fingers back to examine the length, cleanliness, and evenness of the nails. When it comes to many subjects, men and women simply have different points of view:

Nicknames:

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other ‘Laura’, ‘Kate’ and ‘Sarah’.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will refer to each other as ‘Fatz’, ‘Moe’ and ‘Dingle’.

Lunchtime:

Neither Mike, Dave nor John really care where they eat lunch, as long as the food tastes good and comes in a man-sized portion.
Laura doesn’t eat meat, although dairy and eggs are OK; she prefers a salad bar, and fried foods are definitely out. Kate will not eat ethnic foods nor seafood, and does not like dining in dimly-lit restaurants; she prefers to dine al fresco. Sarah doesn’t care as long as the napkins are cloth and she’s not seated near the traffic of the front door. It takes as long to choose a place as is does to eat.
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in a $20, even though the bill is only $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and no one will admit they want change back.
Laura, Kate and Sarah each carry a pocket calculator and a purse full of pennies for just such occasions.

Shopping:

John goes directly to hardware, determines which of the three varieties of crescent wrenches he needs, and proceeds to check-out. He may buy a pack of gum at the register.
Like a butterfly in a flower garden, Kate will flutter from display rack to display rack, sometimes revisiting the same one two or three times. She is attracted to bright colors and things that reflect light. Before she leaves, she will stop by the clearance isle, wall hangings, and the shoe department, even if she’s done shopping. On the way out, she’ll pick up Static Guard, breath mints, Diet Coke and a candy bar at the register.
Dave will pay $2.oo for a $1.oo item that he feels he needs.
Sarah will pay $1.oo for a $2.oo item that she doesn’t need, but is on sale.

Clothing:

If Sarah likes Laura’s blouse, she will not let on. If, on the other hand, the color is wrong for Laura’s skin type, or the fit gives Laura the silhouette of a cow, Sarah will rave over the blouse so as to not hurt her friend’s feelings. Secretly, she is hoping Laura will wear the hideous thing again the next time they’re out together. She’ll also compliment her ugly shoes.
If Mike likes John’s shirt, he’ll say, “I like your shirt” to which John will reply “Thanks.” — End of conversation —
If (God forbid) Laura and Kate wear the same dress to a party, one or both of them will slip into the restroom and remove their hem or cut the sleeves off, to differentiate themselves. Either way, Laura and Kate will hate each other for months.
If Mike and Dave wear the same shirt to a party, they will hug and laugh, and take a ‘selfie’ to show everyone that they are really twins separated at birth.

Automobiles:

A man describes a car by year, make, model, trim level, horsepower, torque, and top speed.
A woman describes a car by color.

Vanity items:

Dave has six items in his bathroom: 1) toothbrush, 2) toothpaste, 3) shaving cream, 4) razor, 5) a comb, and 6) cologne his wife bought him.
Kate has a least 40 items in the bathroom that she can’t live without. This includes such things as blush brushes in four different firmnesses, an articulated eyelash curler, fingernail brushes, clippers and files, and both hair-curling and hair-straightening irons. A man would not be able to identify the remaining 20-30 items.

Cleaning up:

A man will shave and dress up for weddings and funerals.
A woman will dress up and apply makeup to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, or get the mail.

on ‘Natural’ beauty:

A light beard and mussed hair make a man look ‘rugged’.
A light beard and mussed hair make a woman look old.

verbal Arguments:

A woman must have the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Marriage:

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.

Children:

A woman knows all about her children. She knows their bithdays, when their next dentist appointment is, their best friends, their love interests, their favorite foods, their secret fears, and their hopes and dreams.
A man is aware of some short people living in the house and making noise.

The future:

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

Success:

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Closing thought:

A married man should forget all the mistakes he has made in his life. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing!

Uncle Ezra goes Hunting

October 15, 2018 / beetle63 / 0 Comments

Uncle Ezra and his friend, Roosevelt, decided to go try hunting one Saturday morning. Having never been before, they decided that their best chance for success would be to go as far away from civilization as they could. They drove their pickup for miles back into the woods, along the infrequently traveled Fire Tower Road. When they reached the fire tower, they parked and walked farther into the thickest, densest part of the woods, and sat down in a bramble thicket.

There they waited for a deer to come by. And waited. And waited.

“SShhh,” whispered Roosevelt, “I think I hear somethin’.”

Sure enough, it was a buck deer with huge antlers. They could barely contain their excitement as the buck walked toward them, closer, closer. Then “BOOM!” The sound of the rifle split the silence. They had taken their first deer of the season, the first ever for them.

Roosevelt grabbed the deer by the hind legs and started dragging him through the brush, toward the truck. “Help me, Ezra, grab that other leg,” he said. They pulled and tugged, but the antlers keep getting tangled in the weeds. They had been working unsuccessfully at dragging the deer out for about ten minutes when the game warden showed up.

“I heard your shot, and I’ll need to check your license”, he said. They handed over their licenses and the warden glanced them over. “Your paperwork’s good,” he said. “That’s a fine-looking deer you got. Is this your first one?” he asked. “Yes” Roosevelt replied. The warden said, “I noticed you were having trouble taking it out of here. You might find it easier if you pull it by the antlers.” As he walked away, he called back, “You two have a good evening.” And he left.

So Uncle Ezra and Roosevelt grabbed the deer by the antlers and began dragging him out of the woods. This time, they made much faster progress. “The Warden was shore ’nuff right,” Roosevelt said, “It’s much faster dragging him by the antlers.”

“Yeah, ’tis,” said Uncle Ezra, “We’re makin’ much better progress, but unfortunately, now we’re getting farther and farther away from the truck.”

cartoon: Gary Larson, “The Far Side”

Uncle Ezra goes Fishing

October 14, 2018 / beetle63 / 0 Comments

Uncle Ezra and his friend, Roosevelt, decided to go fishing one Saturday morning. They didn’t own a boat, so they were always restricted to casting from the water’s edge. But this day, as they pulled up to the boat dock, they saw a man was renting little john boats for $2.00 an hour.

“Hey,” said Roosevelt, “if we pool all our money, we could take a boat out for an hour or two.” Uncle Ezra thought that to be a fine idea. So they pooled the money from their pockets, looked in the dash of their truck, in the ashtrays, in the floorboards and between the seats. They came up with two dollars and fourteen cents – and they rented a boat.

The first forty-five minutes of fishing were atrocious. They had to sit extremely still, the little boat threatened to capsize. Their lines got twisted, they hooked the weeds, dropped a rod in the water, and the only bites they got were from the mosquitoes. With less than ten minutes remaining of their hour, they paddled to the center of the lake, and found a nice dark hole.

They cast out out a worm. BAM! A strike. BAM! another one, and another! As fast as they could take them off the hook and put on another worm, another line would have a fish on. Now they couldn’t keep up with the rate at which they were pulling fish in.

Roosevelt grabbed a wide black marker out of his fishing kit and drew a big black “X” on the side of the boat. “What ‘r you doin’?” asked Uncle Ezra. “I’m marking our spot,” said Roosevelt, “so’s next time we come back out here we ‘kin find ‘hit again.”

“You dumb old man, you”, said Ezra, “ ‘At ain’t gonna’ work. Don’t you know the odds are agin us gettin’ the same boat next time?”

Theodore’s Four Doors

October 13, 2018 / beetle63 / 0 Comments

Justin Wilson, Cajun cook, storyteller and comedian. 1914-2004

[Note: I don’t know for sure, but I attribute this story to Justin Wilson.]

Theodore ran a general store back in the swamp lands of Southern Louisiana. On this particular Summer day, he had invested $10 in a shiny new cuspidor. He was hoping it would keep the loafers from spitting their tobacco juice on the wooden floor.

Boudreaux is the first to walk in to Theodore’s store. “Hey, Theodore, what’s new ‘wit you today?”

“Nawthin’,” Theodore replies,”Ever’ day is de same ol’ ting.”

“Now, how come you say ‘at? Tings change. Well, Ah kin see ‘at now. Jus today yaw place has changed – why, yo got four doors now,” says Boudreaux.

“Wha duz yo mean, ‘four doorz’? he asks. “I don’ hav four dooz, I only gots da two dooz, da fron’ do’ and de back do’ .”

“No, yo got four doorz, Theo, and $10 says I kin prove it.” challenges Boudreaux.

Being unable to resist a wager, Theodore takes the bet. “Okay, den, prove it, Mon.”

“Okay,” Boudreaux begins. “Firs, yo ga da fron’ do’, and den, yo ga da back door — daz two dooz.”

“I already ‘node that,” said Theodore.

“Now, tell me, whaz yo name?” Boudreaux asks. “Well, yo knows my name,” replies Theodore. “Yeah, well sa’ yo name out lou’.”

“It’s Theodore,”

Boudreaux repeats his name,”The-o-DORE, now ‘at’s one mo’ do’ and ‘at makes three dooz.” Theodore says, “I’ll give you that, but there ain’t no fourth do’ .”

“Oh yes there is,” Boudreaux said, “I see ‘yo have a new cuspi-DOR, and that makes four doorz. So gi’me my ten dolla’ .”

Theodore pays him, but he’s upset because now he’s out $20 for the new cuspidor. About that time, Thibodaux walks in the door, and Theodore sees an opportunity… “Hey, Thibodaux, how you like the new place?” Theodore calls.

“What you mean new? ‘Tall looks th’ same to me,” replies Thibodaux.

“Oh, no! I got me four dooz now,” says Theodore.

Thibodaux looks around and says,”Where?”

Theodore says, “Well, fo’ ten dolla I’ll show you. I ga da fron’ do’ and I ga da back door — at’s two dooz.”

“I already ‘node that,” said Thibodaux.

“Now, what’s mah name?” Theodore asks. “Well, you knows “yo name,” says Thibodaux. “Yeah, well sa’ mah name, Thibodaux.”

“It’s Theodore,” Thibodaux says. Theodore repeats his name,”The-o-DORE, that’s one mo’ do’ . That makes three dooz.”

Thibodaux says, “I’ll give you that, but there ain’t no fourth do’ .”

“Oh yes there is,” Boudreaux said, “You see, I bought me one of them…

I bought one of them… ”

and Theodore was at a loss for words. “Ah, that damned ol’ spittoon done cost me thirty dolla already today!”

What’s for Dinner?

October 12, 2018 / beetle63 / 0 Comments

My wife has an ingenious system for labeling our dinner leftovers.

When we were first married, she would carefully annotate a label on food storage containers in large, clear letters: “Meatloaf,” or “Pot Roast,” or “Steak and Vegetables,” or “Chicken and Dumplings,” or “Beef Pot Pie.” etc. She knew exactly what we had in the freezer.

The problem was, every day when I came home from work, she would ask me what did I want for dinner? I never asked for any of those meals. I never told her “meatloaf,” or “pot roast,” or “steak and vegetables.” Let’s face it, leftovers are leftovers, and there’s a reason that they’re ‘left over’.

That’s when she started labeling the leftovers with the new system. She decided to stock the freezer with the things I like, the things I requested. Today, in our freezer you’ll see a whole variety of labels. You’ll find dinners with neat little tags that say: “Whatever,” “Anything,” “I Don’t Know,” “I Don’t Care,” “Something Good,” or just “Food.” No more frustration at dinner time. Now, no matter what I reply when she asks me what I want for dinner, it’s in there!

The Ozzie Burger

October 11, 2018 / beetle63 / 0 Comments

When I traveled to Australia back in 2000, I was told that whatever I did, I had to try the traditional ‘Ozzie’ or ‘Aussie Burger.’ I had never heard of an Ozzie Burger’ but I was up for it. I had already tried several different foods while I was there; the traditional – fish & chips, and veal, and non-traditional – crocodile, emu, camel and kangaroo, but the one that impressed me the most was the Ozzie Burger.

I ordered my Ozzie Burger in the Victoria’s Cross area of Sydney. When my waitress took my order, she glanced around and asked, “Are you going to eat this by yourself?” What an odd question. “I thought I would, why?” I replied. “It’s pretty big,” she said and was off to the kitchen.

Australian “Ozzie” burger, stacked beef, cheese, tomato, greens, bacon, beets, pineapple and fried egg

It was one of the biggest sandwiches I have ever seen in my life. It had several layers of different food items on it. It towered a good four inches above the stack of chips (french fries) on the side. It reminded me of Dagwood’s sandwiches in the comic strip, Blondie. I could only eat about 3/4ths of it, but the memory will last a lifetime.

The traditional Ozzie Burger is an over-the-top cheeseburger topped with unusual, but complimentary toppings: a fried egg, pickled beets, and pineapple rings for example. Don’t dismiss the beets – they are very good and taste a lot like cucumber pickles. Big cucumber pickles.

recipe

Here is a recipe for an Aussie Burger (makes 2):

fresh ground beef (use 16oz beef for 1/2 lb burgers, 12 oz beef for 1/3 lb burgers, or 8oz for 1/4 lb burgers)
2 tbsp. extra-virgin olive oil
1 tsp. dried chili peppers
1 clove garlic, finely chopped
Kosher salt
freshly ground black pepper
1/4 cup mayonnaise
2 slices sweet Vadalia onion
2 fresh pineapple rings
2 slices aged sharp cheddar
2 eggs, fried over-well
4-6 slices bacon or 2 slices ham
2 leaves of Bibb or Romaine lettuce
6-8 Spinach leaves
4 slices of pickled beet
2 slices beefsteak tomato
2 toasted hamburger buns

Set your outdoor grill or oven broiler for high heat. In a bowl, combine the beef, oil, chili, and garlic; season with salt and pepper and form into two patties.

Fry the bacon or ham until done, then set aside. In the bacon drippings, fry the onion and pineapple just until browned on each side. Next, cook the eggs until almost done, then sprinkle with water and cover, remove from heat. Grill the burgers for 5 minutes per side, or until cooked through. Toast the buns with a light coating of butter.

To Assemble sandwiches: Set bottom of the bun on a plate, cover with mayonnaise and top with a burger. Add one fried egg, a slice of cheese, a slice of ham or slices of bacon, fried onions, one or two slices of beet, a slice of pineapple, a slice of tomato, and spinach and lettuce. Spread the top bun with sauce (ketchup), mustard, and relish as desired. It is a satisfying dining experience.

Fair dinkum!!

Month: October 2018 (page 1 of 2)