Category: Animals

Top Ten Lists – dog vs. wife

Ten reasons a dog is better than a wife

Top Ten Reasons Why Dogs are Better Than Wives:

  1. The later you are, the more excited your dog is to see you.
  2. Dogs like it when you rub their head.
  3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
  4. A dog’s parents never come to visit.
  5. A barking dog will shut up once you let them in the house.
  6. You never have to wait on a dog; they’re ready to go 24 hours a day.
  7. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
  8. A dog will not wake you up in the middle of the night to ask, ‘If I died, would you get another dog?’
  9. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don’t get mad. They just think it’s interesting.
    And last, but not least:
  10. If a dog leaves you, it won’t take half of your stuff with it.

For a definitive test of why a dog is better than a wife, try putting your dog and your wife in the car trunk for an hour and see which one seems happier to see you when you open the trunk.

Then there’s this sinister reason: If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

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That Poor Cat

dinner

Uncle Ezra had a cat that had been on the farm for all his life. He was a great ‘mouser’, and would kill the rats that tried to get in Uncle Ezra’s feed corn.

   This one week, however, the cat was in no mood to chase the rats. He just laid around, licking his belly ever so often. He wouldn’t move, and he didn’t look well. Uncle Ezra got worried and called the vet.

   Uncle Ezra described what was happening, and the vet told him it sounded like simple constipation. The vet had rounds to make, but said if Ezra would give the cat a cup-and-a-half of Castor oil, he would stop by and check on the animal on his way home.

  That evening, the veterinarian stopped by Ezra’s. “How’s your calf doing?” he asked. “Calf?” asked Uncle Ezra. “It wasn’t a calf that was sick – it was my cat.”

   “You didn’t give the cat a cup-and-a-half of Castor oil, did you?” “Why, yes, I did,” said Uncle Ezra, “I thought that was what you wanted me to do.” “Oh, my! Where is the poor little creature?” the vet asked.

  Uncle Ezra said, “Well, last time I seen him, he was headed out across the back field with three other cats. One was digging holes, one was covering them up, and I believe the third was scouting for new territory.”

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Ode to a Hamster

When my daughter was very young, we bought her a hamster. She promised to take care of a hamster if we would buy her one. But anyone who has bought their child a hamster, knows how that goes.

Wilbur

   It became my job every day to ensure “Wilbur” had food and water. On Saturday, it was my job to rid the hamster cage of that hideous odor that was a result of the food and water. It was my daughter’s job to watch the hamster while I washed the cage. She would set Wilbur on the sofa next to her and pet him while she watched Saturday morning cartoons. When I would bring the cleaned cage in, I’d ask her, “Where’s Wilbur?” to which she would answer, “He’s right here beside… Where’d he go?” Then we’d spend the rest of the afternoon searching under beds and in closets for him.

   One day, I went to feed and water Wilbur, but he didn’t move. He had passed away in the night.

   I tried to think of the best way to break the news to my daughter. I went to her room, and sat beside her. “Honey, Wilbur died last night. He’s not with us any more,” I said.

“Well, where is he?” she asked.

“God took him to heaven to be with Him,” I said.

She thought about it for a minute and asked, “What does God want with a dead hamster?”

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Thank You for the Dog

   Now, I’m not an Animal Hater. But I’m no Animal Lover, either. I guess you could say I’m “animal apathetic.” That is to say, I am not really concerned about or involved in the lives of critters. Don’t get me wrong, I believe there is a place for all animals in this world — and it’s right next to the mashed potatoes.


When my kids were in elementary school, my wife mentioned how she had a dog when she was young, and how much she enjoyed the dog. I knew what was coming next…. So, being the scientific-minded person that I am, I quickly threw together two lists. One list was the benefits of having a dog. The other list was the burdens of having a dog.

On the POSITIVES side:

  • The kids would like to have a dog
  • A dog could protect our home

Now for the NEGATIVES:

  • dog food costs money
  • someone has to feed the dog
  • someone has to walk the dog
  • someone has to bathe the dog
  • someone has to pick up poop
  • someone has to let the dog in and out
  • I would be that someone
  • dogs chew up stuff
  • dogs throw up stuff
  • dogs fart
  • dogs require a fenced area
  • fences cost money
  • dogs bark
  • dogs bark all day
  • dogs bark all night
  • dogs bark and fart all day and night
  • dogs pee
  • dogs pee on the floor
  • dogs pee on your sofa
  • dogs pee on your carpet
  • dogs pee in your bed
  • dog pee stinks
  • dogs dig holes
  • dogs dig lots of holes
  • dogs dig holes where I have to mow
  • dogs poop where I have to mow
  • dogs poop where I don’t mow
  • dog poop stinks

and the list goes on…

  • it’s hard to take a dog on vacation
  • dogs are not welcome everywhere
  • you have to arrange for care if you don’t take your dogs with you
  • dog care costs money
  • no one really wants to watch your dog for you
  • dogs don’t help with the mortgage

…So, a few weeks later, my wife comes home from a visit to her mom and dad’s, and guess what she’s hauling? – A living, breathing, eating, farting, pooping, stinking dog. This dog did everything on my “NEGATIVES” list from the minute his feet hit the ground. He dug holes, tore up the yard, chewed the posts off our deck, tore a hole in the siding, tore the casing off the back door, and constantly jumped the fence to terrorize the neighborhood. Now, he wasn’t a mean dog; he was just a puppy doing the things that 80-pound puppies do. He was also a two-foot-tall puppy, all muscle and over-excitement. He jumped on our neighbor with muddy paws, ruining her Sunday dress. Later, he scratched a neighbor’s child while ‘playing.’ After that, I convinced my wife to give him away.

  Several years later, my father-in-law, Clifford, was over for dinner, and the subject of dogs came up. I recalled our time with that dog and that Clifford was the one who gave him to us.

“Cliff, I never thanked you for the dog you gave us, did I?” I asked.

“No, I don’t believe you ever did,” he replied.

“… and I never will.” I told him.

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What Dogs Do

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What the Cat Hears

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What the Dog Hears

What Does the Dog Say?

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A {blank} walks in to a Bar

One-line jokes start with a simple introduction that does two things: first, it prepares you that you are going to hear a joke, and second, it sets the stage for the presentation. Many classic one-liners start with the same simple line: “knock-knoc…” “A traveling salesman…”, or the long-tenured, “A {****} walks into a bar.” Here are some one-line bar jokes you may or may not have heard:

  • A Horse walks in to a bar. The bartender asks, “Why the long face?”
  • A bear walks in to a bar and says, “Bartender, I’ll have a beer and …”

“… a pack of peanuts.” The bartender asks, “Why the big pause?”

  • A grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The grasshopper looks surprised and asks, “You have a drink named Steve?”
  • A man and a giraffe walk in to a bar. After having several drinks, the giraffe passes out, so the man decided to call it a night. As he walks out the door, the bartender says, “Hey, you can’t leave that lying in here.” The man responded, that’s not a lion, it’s a giraffe.
  • A monkey walks into a bar and says, “A scotch on the rocks, please.” The monkey hands the bartender a $100 bill. The bartender thinks to himself, this monkey doesn’t know the prices of drinks, and gives him a dollar in change. The bartender says, “You know, we don’t get too many monkeys in here.” The monkey replies, “Well, at $90 a drink, I ain’t coming back, either.”
  • A dog walks in to a bar, but he only gets a mild concussion.
  • A termite walks in to a bar. He asks, “Is the bartender?”
  • A dog, a cat, a horse, a monkey and a bear and a giraffe walk in to a bar. The bartender looks at them and asks, “Is this some kind of joke?”
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A Valuable Dog

The coonhound is the perfect dog for hunting in the South

My father-in-law had an old huntin’ dog that he figured was worth some pretty good money, so he put her up for sale. Pretty soon a neighbor man came around and offered him a $100 for the dog. My father-in-law sold it.

   The next day, he got to regrettin’ old Blue not bein’ around, and he called the man up and asked to buy his dog back. The man said “O.K, but I’ve kinda growd to like her. She’ll cost you $150.” My father-in-law paid for the dog and went home. He was glad to have her back that day, but when nightfall came, the dog got the itch to hunt. The dog howlin’ and scratchin’ at the door kept him up all night, so the next morning, he called the other man back.

   He said, “If you still want the dog, I’ll sell her back to you, but I’ll have to have what I should’a charged you the first time — she’s gonna’ be $200 now.” The man thought about it for a little while and then said he’d take her.

   Dad got to thinkin’ a couple days later about what a good huntin’ dog she was and eager she was to go hunting the night she was back. “It’s no tellin what that dog’s really worth,” he thought to himself. So he called the man to buy her back again. The man said, “Sorry, Clifford. I sold that dog to a man over in Chinquapen. He gave me $300 for her.” Cliff said, “Why’d you do that, you fool? We was both making good money off’n that dog.”

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I’m Sorry, Wilbur is Dead

When my daughter was young, she had a pet hamster. She named him Wilbur. She would set Wilbur beside her while she watched cartoons on TV and play with him during the commercials. That is, if he didn’t sneak off while she wasn’t paying attention to him.

Now, hamsters are not known for their longevity. One day Rachael brought Wilbur to me and said something was wrong with him. He was stiff, cold and not breathing. Honey, I’m afraid Wilbur is dead.”

“No, he isn’t!” she protested.

“I’m pretty sure he is.” I replied.

“No, we have to take him to the doctor, she cried.

So we took him to a veterinarian.

The vet broke the news to Rachael. “Rachael, Your father is correct. It was Wilbur’s time to go, and he is no longer with us.” Then he said to me, “That’ll be $10 for the visit.”

Amid Rachael’s sobbing and disbelief, I asked, “You’re absolutely sure he’s gone?”

“Well, just a minute,” he said, and brought in a calico tabby. The cat licked Wilbur from head to toe, then lowered her head and gave a soft, “meow.” The vet then brought in a Golden Retriever. The dog sniffed Wilbur, then lowered his head and gave a soft, “woof.” “That’s conclusive, said the vet. “He’s definitely dead,” and added, “that will be $250 for the visit.”

“Now wait a minute,” I said, “It was only a $10 visit a minute ago.”

“Well, yes,” said the vet. “That was before you requested a cat scan and the lab test.”

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