Military – Beetle63's Treasury of Humor

The “Best” Service

A Soldier, a Sailor, an Airman and a Marine continually argued about which of the four American Armed Service was “the Best.” The soldier said, “There is no victory unless the ground troops overcome the enemy in their own territory.” The airman added, “But how are you going to get there without the air transportation? That’s why we broke away from the Army Air Corps, you couldn’t handle it.” “You’re not the only game in town, airman,” the sailor chimed in, “the Navy can deliver!”. “Yeah, three weeks later on your fastest boat,” said the marine. “The conflict will be over by then.” chirped the soldier. “Well, we really don’t need you ground-pounders.” the marine said. “The Corps can conduct ground operations as well – You know we’re a department of the Navy… The ‘Men’s Department’.

And so the debates continued and there was heated discussion, and the impasse lasted throughout their entire careers, until they each eventually passed away. Together, they found themselves standing at the Pearly Gates of Heaven in front of St. Peter.

“St Peter, they asked. “We have fought over this single question our entire lives. Can you tell us, which branch of the American Armed Forces is the best?”

St. Peter replies: “I can’t answer that. But, we can ask God about it.” Suddenly, a sparkling white dove lands on St. Peter’s shoulder. In the dove’s beak is a note glistening with gold dust. St Peter opens the note, trumpets blare, gold dust drifts into the air, harps play crescendos and St Peter begins to read it aloud to the four veterans:

MEMORANDUM TO SOLDIERS, SAILORS, MARINES, AND AIRMEN

SUBJECT: Which Military Service Is The Best?

1. Gentlemen, All the Branches of the Armed Services are ‘Honorable and Noble.’ Each of you have a dedicated place in the defense and service of your country. Each of you has served your country well and with distinction.

2. Being a member of the American Armed Forces represents a special calling. Not just anyone is suited to serve. It requires a special sacrifice, a dedication, and commitment to the warrior spirit and an ability to value the lives of your fellow countrymen above your own. These are characteristics that warrant special respect, tribute, and memorial. So, each of you should be proud of the service that you gave to your country and comrades, regardless of the branch of the military in which you served.

Very Respectfully,

GOD
United States Air Force (Retired)

Top Ten List

December 16, 2018 / beetle63 / 0 Comments

In the Navy

suppose you’re a retired or separated sailor and you’re reminiscing about your days on the boat at sea, or it could be that you’re a Reserve Officer Training Corps (ROTC) cadet, accepting a commission to the United States Navy, and wondering what the next four to six years of your life will be like. Or you could just be a Navy wanna-be and want to answer a question that’s been burning in your mind: Could I hack it in the Navy?

Read on, because here are the TOP TEN things you need to do to simulate a life in the Navy:

#10. HOUSING: Buy a dumpster, paint it grey and fill the bottom with six inches of liquid sewage. Bilge pump the liquid sludge back out and mop up the remainder, then repaint the floor terra-cotta. Live in the dumpster for six months with all the people from High School you said you wouldn’t be caught dead with after graduation.

#9. HOME MAINTENANCE: Re-run all the electrical and plumbing from behind the walls to the outside of the walls were you can see them to paint them. Label all the pipes and conduits so you can easily identify what you hit your head against for the accident report.

#8. SPECIALTY MAINTENANCE: At least weekly, completely disassemble and inspect your lawn mower. Discard one piece or part and reassemble the mower to working condition.

#7. EARLY MORNING ASSEMBLY: Have your wife (or husband) write down everything they want you to accomplish that day, and what you’re going to wear while doing it. Then get up at 5:00 a.m. and stand at attention in the backyard while your spouse reads the list to you.

#6. DAILY PRIVILEGES: Allow your 5-year-old cousin to cut your hair with a rusty pair of goat shears. Raise your bed to within 12 inches of the ceiling. Have your neighbor collect your all mail, randomly discarding every 5th piece, and then deliver it all to you on the last day of the month. Purchase TV dinners for every night, but don’t cook them, just thaw them out and eat them.

#5.FASHION: Have your mommy sew a name tag with your name on it to the back of your pants, and sew back pockets on the front.

#4. WORK: Set your alarm clock to go off at some random time in the middle of the night. Jump out of bed, get dressed as fast as you can, making sure to button the top button, tuck in your shirt, and tuck your pant legs in your socks. Shut off the main circuit breaker. Walk through your house with a flashlight, a clipboard and a pencil and make a note of the date, the time, the water level in the toilet tanks, the temperature inside the refrigerator, and the oil level in your car. Run outside and uncoil the garden hose. Call a neighbor from your cell phone and when he answers, say “All Secure, Sir.”

#3. SUPPLIES: Purchase 50 cases of toilet paper, lock up all but two rolls, and ensure that one of those two rolls remains wet at all times.

#2. SAFETY: Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills on all your door frames in your house so that you either trip or bang your head every time you move form room to room. To prevent tripping and banging your head, paint all the door frames with glow-in-the-dark paint. Because glow-in-the-dark paint is radioactive, place human bio-hazard stickers on all the door frames you painted with glow-in-the-dark-paint. Put a red bulb in every light fixture that is near a door that leads outside.

And the #1 simulation for life in the Navy: Yell, “Attention on deck every time your wife enters the room.”

C-130 vs F-16

December 15, 2018 / beetle63 / 0 Comments

A C-130 Hercules cargo plane was lumbering along its flight path when a cocky pilot in a single-seat F-16 fighter flashed by. The jet jockey decided he would show off his speed and agility in the air.

An F-16 Falcon flies above a C-130 Hercules

The fighter jock called over the radio to the C-130 pilot, “Hey low-and-slow buddy, watch this!” and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb in full afterburner. He then finished his little capabilities demonstration with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier passing by the C-130 almost at his wingtip.

The F-16 pilot called back over the radio and asked the C-130 pilot, “What did you think of that?”

The C-130 pilot said, “That was impressive, but watch this!”

The C-130 droned along for about two more minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on the radio and said: “Well, What did you think of that?” Puzzled, the F-16 pilot replied, “I don’t know, what did you do?”

The C-130 pilot chuckled. “I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, went to the bathroom, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon bun and now I’m back in the cockpit.”

Air Force’s First Aircraft Carrier

December 14, 2018 / beetle63 / 0 Comments

After a long, drawn out Congressional funding battle with the Navy, the Air Force takes delivery of it’s first aircraft carrier.

One Man’s Opinion

November 4, 2018 / beetle63 / 0 Comments

The up-and-coming generation has embraced today’s world of instant communications: cell phones, email, Twitter, and such.

This is one of my favorite true stories. It is about an Air Force Academy Cadet who callously decides that he can just fire off a quick email to the two highest ranking people (at the time) in the Air Force — our Chief of Staff, General John Jumper and our Service Secretary, Dr James Roche — and let them know he doesn’t agree with a personnel decision they have made.

Their response to his rebuke is classic. (Copied from a Snopes’ article entitled: “Space Cadet.”)

The letter

From: Walsh Robert C4C CS21
Sent: Wednesday, March 26, 2003 10:30 AM
To: Jumper John Gen AF/CC
Subject: Removal of Academy Leader

Chief of Staff of the U.S. Air Force,
General John P. Jumper,
Sir, I am a fourth Class Cadet at the United States Air Force Academy. I do not agree with your idea for removal of all top officials at the United States Air Force Academy. I do not believe it is necessary for all four of them to be removed, and replaced. I especially have a problem with the replacement of Col. Bob Eskeridge. The person who is supposed to replace Col. Eskeridge, is not qualified for the position. Her only qualifications are that she is a female, and an Academy Graduate. She has never been a group commander, while Col. Eskeridge has been a group commander twice. Furthermore, this woman has been working at the Academy during the same period as all these cases. She has been in the position of the 34th Training Group, serving as the Deputy Group Commander. By allowing her to take over Col. Eskeridge’s position, it seems as though you are promoting her. Also, the person who will be filling the job she is moving from, will be her superior, having also served as a group commander, but because of the hierarchy at the Academy, she will instead be his superior. I would like to see Col. Eskeridge retain his current position. I do not believe he is a problem, in any way. He is a role model for all Cadets, as a military officer. I have not heard a single complaint or bad word spoken about Col. Eskeridge. Please reconsider your decision to remove Col. Eskeridge from his position.

Thank you for your time and consideration,
Very Respectfully,
Cadet Fourth Class Robert M. Walsh
Cadet Squadron 21 “Blackjacks”
United States Air Force Academy

The Secretary of the Air Force’s response

From: Roche James Dr SAF/OS
Sent: Wednesday, March 26, 2003 10:11 AM
To: Walsh Robert C4C CS21
Subject: Re: Removal of Academy Leaders

Bob, good to hear from you. Colonel Eskeridge is a highly regarded officer and I have no animus toward him. He will be reassigned without any adverse consequence. In fact, we are working to minimize the impact on his family. However, Gen Jumper and I want a new leadership team in place, and we will do so. Your comments about Colonel Gray are not only wrong, they don’t reflect particularly well on you. Assignment of leaders in military organizations is not a popularity contest. Rather, it reflects the vision of the senior leadership of the Service. I know Colonel Gray, Gen Jumper knows Colonel Gray, and you don’t. Now, say again all after who is and who is not qualified to make assignment decisions? While I admire your loyalty to Colonel Eskeridge, and I enjoy a challenge-up, or “briefing room rules” environment, one of us is responsible to the President, the Congress, and the American people for the Academy — and, it’s not you (at least not for a few years). Gen Jumper and I have made our decisions. We expect all concerned now to implement them cheerfully, as is the long-standing expectation for military professionals.

And, Bob, that includes you.

Respectfully,
JGR
Dr. James G. Roche
Secretary of The Air Force

The Air Force Chief of Staff’s response

From: Jumper John Gen AF/CC
Sent: Wednesday, March 26, 2003 12:33 PM
To: Walsh Robert C4C CS21
Subject: RE: Removal of Academy Leader

Cadet Walsh, I sincerely hope that this is a hoax of some type because I would hate to think a Cadet Fourth Class would presume to instruct me on Air Force leaders I have known and served with for longer than you have been alive. I strongly suggest you devote your energy toward being the best possible 3-degree that you can be, to be a part of the solution that the new leadership is being sent there to oversee, and to keep yourself and your attitude off my radar scope.

JJ.

The Colonel’s Red Shirt

November 2, 2018 / beetle63 / 0 Comments

This is a story about a little-known Confederate Colonel who dominated the battlefield during the American Civil War every bit as well as his military protegé, Thomas Jonathan “Stonewall” Jackson.

General ‘Stonewall’ Jackson is most known for his leadership at the First Battle of Bull Run where his unfaltering stand earned him the nickname ‘Stonewall’

Just to refresh your memory, General “Stonewall” Jackson rose to prominence and earned his famous nickname at the First Battle of Bull Run back in 1861. As the Confederate lines began to crumble under heavy Union assault, Jackson’s brigade provided crucial reinforcements, and General Jackson stood in the midst of the battlefield, refusing to retreat. Brig. Gen. Barnard Elliott Bee, Jr., exhorted his own troops to re-form by shouting, “There is Jackson standing like a stone wall. Let us determine to die here, and we will conquer.”

The Confederate Colonel’s Aide-De-Camp came to him early one morning before sunrise. “Colonel, the scouting report says we’re outnumbered by the Yanks, two-to-one. Should we fall back to Virginia?”

“Heaven forbid!” Replied the Colonel, “Just bring me my red shirt, and we’ll send those Yankees back from whence they came.”

As the battle wore on, the Colonel stood proudly in the midst of his troops, barking orders and shouting encouragement. Bullets flew all around him, but he stood unfazed. The Union forces finally gave up and retired back into the woods for the evening.

The next morning, the Colonel’s Aide-De-Camp came again, and gave a report. “Sir, the Union forces reinforced their line last night. If we go into battle, we shall be outnumbered, sir, three-to-one! Should we fall back?”

“Never!” the Colonel replied. “Bring my red shirt, and we shall be victorious!”

The second day’s battle raged wilder than the first, with wave after wave of blue-suited soldiers attempting to drive back the Rebel defenders. The Colonel stood where all his troops could see him, prominent in his red shirt, unmoved from his position, despite the bullets that whizzed by his head. By sundown, the Union troops had made no gains and retreated once again into the woods.

The third morning, the Aide-De-Camp came and asked the Colonel, “Incredible victories, sir. May I ask the significance of the red shirt?”

“Certainly,” he replied. “If I am to stand and be an example for my troops, I want them to be able to spot me quickly amidst the chaos. The red shirt will draw their attention, their wonderment, and their dedication. Besides that, if I am shot, my men will not see the blood, and they will continue the fight.”

“Well, it seems to be working, sir.” said the Aide. “And we will need all the help we can get for today’s battle. It appears we’re outnumbered five-to-one, according to our scouts. Shall I bring you your red shirt?”

The Colonel replied, “Forget the red shirt, Today I’ll be wearing my brown trousers.”

A Letter From Boot Camp

November 1, 2018 / beetle63 / 0 Comments

Marine Corps boot camp, Parris Island SC

The following is a letter is written from a farm kid going through boot camp at Parris Island Marine Corps Recruit Depot:

Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well. Hope y’all are too. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps is easy and beats working for old man Minch by a country mile. They really ought to join up quick ‘fore all the places are filled.

I was restless at first because they make you stay in bed till nearly 5:00 a.m., but I am getting so I like to sleepin’ in late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you has to do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine your boots and buckles. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, hay to lay… practically nothing. Men gots to shave but it is not so bad, they’ve even got warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on the pork chops, fried taters, salt-cured ham, steak, sausage, gravy and biscuits and other regular breakfast foods, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by some city boys that live on coffee and doughnuts. Their food plus yours holds you till noon when you get fed again. It’s no wonder these city boys can’t walk far.

Speakin’ of walkin’; we go on “route marches” which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to toughen us up. That’s OK If he thinks so, it’s not my place to tell him any different. A “route march” is about as far as it is to our mailbox at home. The countryside is nice but awfully flat. We don’t climb hills or nothin’. Them city guys get sore feet and we all get to ride back in trucks. The Sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags us a lot. The Captain is like the county school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don’t bother you none.

This next part will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting! I don’t know why. The bulls-eye is purt-near as big as a chipmunk’s head – and it don’t move. And it ain’t shootin’ back at you like the Higgett boys do back home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don’t even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain’t like fighting with that ol’ bull at home. I’m about the best they got in this except for that guy Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I’m 5’6″ and 130 pounds, and he’s 6’8″ and weighs near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers find out about this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Gail

Service Hardship

October 28, 2018 / beetle63 / 0 Comments

Rules of Combat (and life)

October 27, 2018 / beetle63 / 0 Comments

Rules about self

You are NOT Superman.
Ambition, attitude, and brains – two are required to be successful.
Anything you do leaves you vulnerable – including doing nothing.
Try to look unimportant, the enemy may be low on ammunition.
Don’t look conspicuous, it draws enemy fire.
Don’t draw enemy fire, it makes you quite unpopular with your unit.
Bravery is being the only one who knows you’re afraid.
Never share your foxhole with someone braver than you.

Rules about weapons

Remember your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
Always aim towards the Enemy.
If in doubt, empty your magazine.
You have three seconds when lighting a five-second fuse.
When the pin is pulled, the grenade is not your friend.

Rules about logistics:

Things that must be together to work, can’t be shipped together.
Batteries fail when there’s no other power source available.
Radios fail when you desperately need fires support.
Flashlights are tubular metal containers for storing dead batteries.
The only time you can have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.
If something hasn’t broken on your weapon, it’s about to.
If you are short on everything except enemy, you are in combat.

Rules about tactics

No plan survives initial contact intact.
If it sounds stupid – but it works, it’s not stupid.
If your attack is going well, you are walking into an ambush.
It is generally inadvisable to eject into the area you just bombed.
Any ship can be a minesweeper… once.
If you see a bomb technician running, follow him.
If one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you still have enough power to make it to the scene of the crash.
Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your situation to a person on the ground incapable of doing anything about it.

Rules about fires

The only thing more lethal than incoming fire, is incoming friendly fire.
Incoming fire has the right-of-way.
Tracer fire works both ways.
Friendly fire isn’t.
If the enemy is in range, so are you.

rules about strategy

Professional soldiers are predictable – but the world is full of amateurs.
If you are forward of your intended position, artillery will fall short.
The diversion you are ignoring is really the main attack.
The important things are always simple – the simple things are hard
The easy path is mined.
When both sides are convinced they are about to lose, they’re both right.
If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will have more than your fair share of objectives to take.

Finally:

Once you win the battle, don’t forget to tell the enemy

The USS Abraham Lincoln

September 25, 2018 / beetle63 / 0 Comments

This dialogue is based on an actual radio conversation between a U.S. Navy aircraft carrier (U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln) and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.

Canadians: “Calling U.S. Aircraft carrier. Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.”

Americans: “This is the Captain of the USS Abraham Lincoln. Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.”

Canadians: “Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.”

Americans: “This is the aircraft carrier USS Abraham Lincoln. I say again, you will have to divert YOUR course.”

Canadians: “No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.”

Americans: “THIS IS THE AMERICAN AIRCRAFT CARRIER the USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES’ ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH–I SAY AGAIN, THAT’S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH–OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP AND ITS CREW.”

Canadians: “This is a Canadian lighthouse. Your call.”

Category: Military