Tag: woman

Top Ten Lists – dog vs. wife

Ten reasons a dog is better than a wife

Top Ten Reasons Why Dogs are Better Than Wives:

  1. The later you are, the more excited your dog is to see you.
  2. Dogs like it when you rub their head.
  3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
  4. A dog’s parents never come to visit.
  5. A barking dog will shut up once you let them in the house.
  6. You never have to wait on a dog; they’re ready to go 24 hours a day.
  7. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
  8. A dog will not wake you up in the middle of the night to ask, ‘If I died, would you get another dog?’
  9. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don’t get mad. They just think it’s interesting.
    And last, but not least:
  10. If a dog leaves you, it won’t take half of your stuff with it.

For a definitive test of why a dog is better than a wife, try putting your dog and your wife in the car trunk for an hour and see which one seems happier to see you when you open the trunk.

Then there’s this sinister reason: If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

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Uncle Ezra Stays Out All Night

Your hands can reveal a lot about you: a ring, or lack of, indicates your marital status. Calluses reveal that you are a laborer. Grease stains identify a mechanic. Manicured nails may indicate you work at an office job, etc.

My Aunt Ruby ran out of bread for dinner, so she sent her husband out to get a loaf at the country store. Knowing that he was bad to get distracted, she warned him, “Now, don’t take this as an opportunity to hang out with the boys, you go straight to the store and back. And don’t go flirtin’ with no women, either!”

   So Uncle Ezra headed out to the corner store to buy some bread. But as he entered the store he saw Cleetus and Fae loafing at the snack bar. Now Cleetus and Fae could usually entice Ezra into trouble, and this day was no different. They invited Ezra over for a ‘yeller dope’ and started to work their mischief.

  “Hey, Ez,” Cleetus began. “You ‘member Sally from back in the sixth grade?” “Yeah, she was a cheerleader, you recall,” added Fae. “Yeah, I ‘member her.. she’z nice.” Ezra said with a slight smile. “She’s in here,” added Cleetus, and pointed to the row of canned goods. There stood Sally, slender and blonde, much like she looked many years ago. “Go talk to her,” they prompted.

  Fae pushed Ezra towards Sally. Ezra grinned, and walked up to Sally. He shuffled on his feet, and started up a conversation. It turned out that Sally had gone on to be a very successful fashion model, and had just moved back into town. She invited Uncle Ezra back to her apartment for some coffee.

Ezra went.

  Once in her apartment, they talked and laughed and recalled the old days. Sally showed Ezra her portfolio and told him all about her modeling career; the places she had gotten to travel to, and famous people she had met. They lost track of time, talking until early morning. Sally went to get the coffee, but when she returned, Ezra had fallen asleep on her sofa. Sally covered him with a blanket and went off to bed.

  At five o’clock the next morning, Ezra rose with a start. “Oh my goodness! Oh my goodness! I’ve been here all night!” he hollered. He woke Sally and asked, “Do you have any baby powders?” She got him some and he rubbed it on his hands. “I enjoyed the visit, Sally, and it was nice to see you again, but I’ve got to go,” he said, “Ruby’s gonna be waitin’ up fer me, and she’s gonna be mad, I know!” and he ran out the door.

  At home, Uncle Ezra opened the front door slowly. Sure enough, Ruby was waiting with a wooden rolling pin in her arms. “Where you been?” she asked, “and YOU BETTER NOT HAVE BEEN WITH NO WOMAN.” “Well honey,” he began, “I went to get the bread and I run in to some of the boys down to the store, and they bought me a ‘yeller dope’, and whilst I was drinkin’ it, old Sally from grade school come up and commenced to talkin’ to me ’bout how she got a career in modelin’, and she invited me back to her place for some coffee, and I went, and we looked at her modelin’ pictures, and got to laughin’ and talkin’ and all, and I fell asleep on her couch, and I woke up just a little while ago and come straight home, and that’s the God-honest truth.”

“Let me see your hands,” demanded Ruby. Uncle Ezra showed her his hands, covered with baby powders.

“Just as I thought,” Ruby said, “You been out bowling with Cleetus and Fae all night.”

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FAQs about Women

Questions About Women:

Is a Laundromat really a good place to pick up a woman?

No, because a woman who can’t afford her own washing machine will probably never be able to support you.


How many men should it take to open a can of soda?

None. It should already be opened when she brings it.


Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It’s one of those “evolutionary things” that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.


How do you know when a woman is about to say something intelligent?

When she begins the sentence with “A man once told me…”


How do you fix a woman’s watch?

There’s no need to. There is a clock on the oven.


Why do men have gas more often than women?

   Because women can’t shut up long enough to build up pressure.


If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who should you let in first?

   The dog. He’ll shut up once you let him in.


Why do men typically die before their wives?

   Because they want to.

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Priorities

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Dangerous Questions

Be careful what you ask a woman

The following information was prepared to alert younger men to dangerous questions that they may inadvertently ask their wives or girlfriends; questions that on the surface have no consequence – but can prove seriously disastrous to a relationship if not worded skillfully.


DANGEROUS: You’re not wearing that are you?

SAFER: Is that what you’re wearing?

SAFEST: Are you ready to knock ’em dead?


DANGEROUS: What are you so pissed off about?

SAFER: Could we take a minute to calm down?

SAFEST: Here’s fifty dollars, where do you want to go shopping?


DANGEROUS: Are you ready to admit you were wrong?

SAFER: Is’nt this the first time you’ve ever been wrong?

SAFEST: Are you ready for me to apologize?


DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?

SAFER: You know we have some fresh apples?

SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine to go with that?


DANGEROUS: What’s for dinner?

SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?

SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?


And my personal favorite…..

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?

SAFER: You didn’t over-do it today, did you?

SAFEST: How long have you had that comfortable-looking robe?

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