Category: Country Folk

Uncle Ezra Stays Out All Night

January 2, 2019 / / 0 Comments

Your hands can reveal a lot about you: a ring, or lack of, indicates your marital status. Calluses reveal that you are a laborer. Grease stains identify a mechanic. Manicured nails may indicate you work at an office job, etc.

My Aunt Ruby ran out of bread for dinner, so she sent her husband out to get a loaf at the country store. Knowing that he was bad to get distracted, she warned him, “Now, don’t take this as an opportunity to hang out with the boys, you go straight to the store and back. And don’t go flirtin’ with no women, either!”

   So Uncle Ezra headed out to the corner store to buy some bread. But as he entered the store he saw Cleetus and Fae loafing at the snack bar. Now Cleetus and Fae could usually entice Ezra into trouble, and this day was no different. They invited Ezra over for a ‘yeller dope’ and started to work their mischief.

  “Hey, Ez,” Cleetus began. “You ‘member Sally from back in the sixth grade?” “Yeah, she was a cheerleader, you recall,” added Fae. “Yeah, I ‘member her.. she’z nice.” Ezra said with a slight smile. “She’s in here,” added Cleetus, and pointed to the row of canned goods. There stood Sally, slender and blonde, much like she looked many years ago. “Go talk to her,” they prompted.

  Fae pushed Ezra towards Sally. Ezra grinned, and walked up to Sally. He shuffled on his feet, and started up a conversation. It turned out that Sally had gone on to be a very successful fashion model, and had just moved back into town. She invited Uncle Ezra back to her apartment for some coffee.

Ezra went.

  Once in her apartment, they talked and laughed and recalled the old days. Sally showed Ezra her portfolio and told him all about her modeling career; the places she had gotten to travel to, and famous people she had met. They lost track of time, talking until early morning. Sally went to get the coffee, but when she returned, Ezra had fallen asleep on her sofa. Sally covered him with a blanket and went off to bed.

  At five o’clock the next morning, Ezra rose with a start. “Oh my goodness! Oh my goodness! I’ve been here all night!” he hollered. He woke Sally and asked, “Do you have any baby powders?” She got him some and he rubbed it on his hands. “I enjoyed the visit, Sally, and it was nice to see you again, but I’ve got to go,” he said, “Ruby’s gonna be waitin’ up fer me, and she’s gonna be mad, I know!” and he ran out the door.

  At home, Uncle Ezra opened the front door slowly. Sure enough, Ruby was waiting with a wooden rolling pin in her arms. “Where you been?” she asked, “and YOU BETTER NOT HAVE BEEN WITH NO WOMAN.” “Well honey,” he began, “I went to get the bread and I run in to some of the boys down to the store, and they bought me a ‘yeller dope’, and whilst I was drinkin’ it, old Sally from grade school come up and commenced to talkin’ to me ’bout how she got a career in modelin’, and she invited me back to her place for some coffee, and I went, and we looked at her modelin’ pictures, and got to laughin’ and talkin’ and all, and I fell asleep on her couch, and I woke up just a little while ago and come straight home, and that’s the God-honest truth.”

“Let me see your hands,” demanded Ruby. Uncle Ezra showed her his hands, covered with baby powders.

“Just as I thought,” Ruby said, “You been out bowling with Cleetus and Fae all night.”

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Catching Nemo

December 8, 2018 / / 0 Comments

A “relatively” True Story

My cousin, Wayne, is an avid fisherman. He had fished all the rivers and lakes around his home in East Tennessee by the time he was fifteen. But real life sometimes distracts us from what we love to do most, and life after graduation from college is no exception. He got a job, and it took him away from the land of rivers and lakes. He moved to Boston, Massachusetts, but his desire to be out on the lake with a rod and a tackle box never subsided.

That’s a Keeper… not

After relentless bragging of his great fishing exploits to his Bostonian workmates through the years, he finally had the chance to show them exactly what he was talking about. He and two co-workers were scheduled for a conference in Knoxville, Tennessee, and he made sure to build some “leisure time” into their itinerary.

  His excitement grew as he took his co-workers to the home of his childhood, where trophy-sized mounted fish still hung in his bedroom, and a well-used bass boat sat waiting in the garage.

  So Wayne got the boat, his two friends, and all the bait they could muster, and headed out to the lake. They had been out in the boat about fifteen minutes when Wayne’s rod bowed over to the point it looked like it would break. “That’s how you do it boys!” Wayne hollered. He pulled, and rested as the fish would come in toward the boat, then turn and make a run, spinning the line back off the reel.

  After fighting for two or three minutes solid, Wayne finally pulled in the biggest, heaviest, monster bass he had ever caught in his life. He was already thinking about how grand it would look mounted next to the others at his parent’s house. “What do you think of that boys?” Wayne asked his two guests with obvious pride.

“We thought you said you caught big fish here in Tennessee. Back home, we just throw those small ones back.”

Disheartened, Wayne said, “We do too.” and tossed the behemoth back into the water – to which his two guests immediately confessed, “Are you kidding us? You threw it back? That was the biggest fish we ever saw caught in our lives!”

photo: http://photo.accuweather.com/photogallery/details/photo/22703/His+big+catch+for+the+day

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A Letter from Home

December 4, 2018 / / 0 Comments
A Kentucky home

Dearest Bubba,

The weather’s been nice here. It only rained twice this week: three days the first time and four days the second time. The coat you wanted me to send you, you’ll have to sew the buttons back on. Your Ant Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them metal buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

    Your father has an important new job. He now has over 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass at the cemetery. Your sister had her baby this morning. I haven’t found out whether it is a boy or a girl, so I don’t know if you are an aunt or an uncle. The neighbor’s wife had twins and he is out with a shotgun looking for the other man.

  Your brother is turning in to a neighborhood bully. He can beat up all the kids around except for the Murphy kids; they’re both boys. Two of your high school friends died the other day. They went off the Cedar Narrows bridge in a pickup truck. Paul was driving; Randy and Scott were in the back. Paul got Out. He rolled the window down and swam to safety. The other two drowned; they couldn’t get the tailgate down.

Your Uncle Jim fell in the whiskey vat at work. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off. He drowned with a smile on his face. We had him cremated and he burned for three days. Grampa went to the doctor. He wasn’t feeling too well. The doctor told him, “take one of these pills a day for the rest of your life.” Grampa is quite upset ‘cause the doctor only gave him thirty pills. Grandma may be back with us soon. The funeral home said if we didn’t make the last payment on grandma’s funeral, up she comes.

   Well, that’s all the news for now. I would enclose some spendin’ money for you, but I’ve already sealed the envelope.

Love, Mom

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Grandma’s Day in Court

November 20, 2018 / / 0 Comments
Old Jefferson County Courthouse, Dandridge, Tennessee

One of the distinguishing features of living in a small Southern town is that everybody in town knows everyone else. This is especially true with the older generations who were not as mobile as their younger counterparts.

In the courtroom of one of those small Southern towns, the prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand. She was an elderly, but spry woman, sharp as a tack and very vocal.

   The prosecuting attorney approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?” She responded, “Why, yes, I know you, Billy Williams. I’ve known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot driving your big fancy car and wearing your fancy clothes when you haven’t the brains to realize that everybody in town knows that you’re a fake and you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you, Billy Williams.”

   The prosecutor was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room at the defense attorney and asked, “Well, Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?” She again replied, “Why, yes, I know Johnny. I’ve known Johnny Bradley since he was a youngster. He’s lazy, he’s bigoted, he’s boisterous and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone because he’s too arrogant. His law practice is one of the worst in the entire state, not to mention he cheated to pass the board. And speaking of cheating, he’s cheated on his wife with three different women, and one of them was your wife. Yes, I know Johnny Bradley all too well.”

   The defense attorney stood helpless. The prosecuting attorney was in shock. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, “If either one of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.”

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Uncle Ezra goes Hunting

October 15, 2018 / / 0 Comments

Uncle Ezra and his friend, Roosevelt, decided to go try hunting one Saturday morning. Having never been before, they decided that their best chance for success would be to go as far away from civilization as they could. They drove their pickup for miles back into the woods, along the infrequently traveled Fire Tower Road. When they reached the fire tower, they parked and walked farther into the thickest, densest part of the woods, and sat down in a bramble thicket.

Bummer of a birthmark, Hal

There they waited for a deer to come by. And waited. And waited.

“SShhh,” whispered Roosevelt, “I think I hear somethin’.”

  Sure enough, it was a buck deer with huge antlers. They could barely contain their excitement as the buck walked toward them, closer, closer. Then “BOOM!” The sound of the rifle split the silence. They had taken their first deer of the season, the first ever for them.

   Roosevelt grabbed the deer by the hind legs and started dragging him through the brush, toward the truck. “Help me, Ezra, grab that other leg,” he said. They pulled and tugged, but the antlers keep getting tangled in the weeds. They had been working unsuccessfully at dragging the deer out for about ten minutes when the game warden showed up.

  “I heard your shot, and I’ll need to check your license”, he said. They handed over their licenses and the warden glanced them over. “Your paperwork’s good,” he said. “That’s a fine-looking deer you got. Is this your first one?” he asked. “Yes” Roosevelt replied. The warden said, “I noticed you were having trouble taking it out of here. You might find it easier if you pull it by the antlers.” As he walked away, he called back, “You two have a good evening.” And he left.

  So Uncle Ezra and Roosevelt grabbed the deer by the antlers and began dragging him out of the woods. This time, they made much faster progress. “The Warden was shore ’nuff right,” Roosevelt said, “It’s much faster dragging him by the antlers.”

“Yeah, ’tis,” said Uncle Ezra, “We’re makin’ much better progress, but unfortunately, now we’re getting farther and farther away from the truck.”

cartoon: Gary Larson, “The Far Side”

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Uncle Ezra goes Fishing

October 14, 2018 / / 0 Comments

Uncle Ezra and his friend, Roosevelt, decided to go fishing one Saturday morning. They didn’t own a boat, so they were always restricted to casting from the water’s edge. But this day, as they pulled up to the boat dock, they saw a man was renting little john boats for $2.00 an hour.

“Hey,” said Roosevelt, “if we pool all our money, we could take a boat out for an hour or two.” Uncle Ezra thought that to be a fine idea. So they pooled the money from their pockets, looked in the dash of their truck, in the ashtrays, in the floorboards and between the seats. They came up with two dollars and fourteen cents – and they rented a boat.

 The first forty-five minutes of fishing were atrocious. They had to sit extremely still, the little boat threatened to capsize. Their lines got twisted, they hooked the weeds, dropped a rod in the water, and the only bites they got were from the mosquitoes. With less than ten minutes remaining of their hour, they paddled to the center of the lake, and found a nice dark hole.

They cast out out a worm. BAM! A strike. BAM! another one, and another! As fast as they could take them off the hook and put on another worm, another line would have a fish on. Now they couldn’t keep up with the rate at which they were pulling fish in.

  Roosevelt grabbed a wide black marker out of his fishing kit and drew a big black “X” on the side of the boat. “What ‘r you doin’?” asked Uncle Ezra. “I’m marking our spot,” said Roosevelt, “so’s next time we come back out here we ‘kin find ‘hit again.”

“You dumb old man, you”, said Ezra, “ ‘At ain’t gonna’ work. Don’t you know the odds are agin us gettin’ the same boat next time?”

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Theodore’s Four Doors

October 13, 2018 / / 0 Comments
Justin Wilson, Cajun cook, storyteller and comedian. 1914-2004

[Note: I don’t know for sure, but I attribute this story to Justin Wilson.]

  Theodore ran a general store back in the swamp lands of Southern Louisiana. On this particular Summer day, he had invested $10 in a shiny new cuspidor. He was hoping it would keep the loafers from spitting their tobacco juice on the wooden floor.

Boudreaux is the first to walk in to Theodore’s store. “Hey, Theodore, what’s new ‘wit you today?”

“Nawthin’,” Theodore replies,”Ever’ day is de same ol’ ting.”

“Now, how come you say ‘at? Tings change. Well, Ah kin see ‘at now. Jus today yaw place has changed – why, yo got four doors now,” says Boudreaux.

“Wha duz yo mean, ‘four doorz’? he asks. “I don’ hav four dooz, I only gots da two dooz, da fron’ do’ and de back do’ .”

“No, yo got four doorz, Theo, and $10 says I kin prove it.” challenges Boudreaux.

Being unable to resist a wager, Theodore takes the bet. “Okay, den, prove it, Mon.”

“Okay,” Boudreaux begins. “Firs, yo ga da fron’ do’, and den, yo ga da back door — daz two dooz.”

“I already ‘node that,” said Theodore.

“Now, tell me, whaz yo name?” Boudreaux asks. “Well, yo knows my name,” replies Theodore. “Yeah, well sa’ yo name out lou’.”

“It’s Theodore,”

Boudreaux repeats his name,”The-o-DORE, now ‘at’s one mo’ do’ and ‘at makes three dooz.” Theodore says, “I’ll give you that, but there ain’t no fourth do’ .”

“Oh yes there is,” Boudreaux said, “I see ‘yo have a new cuspi-DOR, and that makes four doorz. So gi’me my ten dolla’ .”

Theodore pays him, but he’s upset because now he’s out $20 for the new cuspidor. About that time, Thibodaux walks in the door, and Theodore sees an opportunity… “Hey, Thibodaux, how you like the new place?” Theodore calls.

“What you mean new? ‘Tall looks th’ same to me,” replies Thibodaux.

“Oh, no! I got me four dooz now,” says Theodore.

Thibodaux looks around and says,”Where?”

Theodore says, “Well, fo’ ten dolla I’ll show you. I ga da fron’ do’ and I ga da back door — at’s two dooz.”

“I already ‘node that,” said Thibodaux.

“Now, what’s mah name?” Theodore asks. “Well, you knows “yo name,” says Thibodaux. “Yeah, well sa’ mah name, Thibodaux.”

“It’s Theodore,” Thibodaux says. Theodore repeats his name,”The-o-DORE, that’s one mo’ do’ . That makes three dooz.”

Thibodaux says, “I’ll give you that, but there ain’t no fourth do’ .”

“Oh yes there is,” Boudreaux said, “You see, I bought me one of them…

I bought one of them… ”

and Theodore was at a loss for words. “Ah, that damned ol’ spittoon done cost me thirty dolla already today!”

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The Pocket Watch

September 27, 2018 / / 0 Comments

My father-in-law loves to trade trinkets. Knives, guns, dogs, trucks, it doesn’t matter; he’ll trade on it.

   One Summer day he was sitting down at the small gas station-convenience store (like men his age do), when Fae came walking up to join them. Fae knew how much my father-in-law likes to trade, so before he even got up to him, he hollered, “‘Lo, Cliff. What you got to trade today?”

“I ‘haint got nothin’ you can ‘ford.” says Cliff.

“You might try me,” said Fae, “You don’t know what I might buy.”

“Well, I do have an awful nice pocket watch… ‘Hits a real nice ‘un.” he replied.

“Well let me see hit.”

   So Cliff let Fae inspect the pocket watch. Fae commented on the weight, and the color, and the size, and the quality, and Cliff reiterated how nice a watch it was, and that being seen with a pocket watch might even in some way help Fae with the lady folkl.

Fae finally said, “I’d like to have that pocket watch, Cliff, I really would, but I can’t see no ways to pay you ’til payday.”

Knowing he had made the sell, Cliff said, “Well, you just pay me when you feel like it.”

Fae got scarce around payday. He didn’t come around all week. Not for two weeks, then almost a full month. Then one day Cliff was driving by the store and saw Fae sitting outside. He pulled in.

After a few minutes of small talk, Cliff said. “You know Fae, I sold you a pocket watch a while back, and you still ‘haint paid me for it.”

Fae answered, “Well, you said I could pay you when I felt like it… and I just ‘ain’t felt like it yet.”

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A Valuable Dog

September 13, 2018 / / 0 Comments
The coonhound is the perfect dog for hunting in the South

My father-in-law had an old huntin’ dog that he figured was worth some pretty good money, so he put her up for sale. Pretty soon a neighbor man came around and offered him a $100 for the dog. My father-in-law sold it.

   The next day, he got to regrettin’ old Blue not bein’ around, and he called the man up and asked to buy his dog back. The man said “O.K, but I’ve kinda growd to like her. She’ll cost you $150.” My father-in-law paid for the dog and went home. He was glad to have her back that day, but when nightfall came, the dog got the itch to hunt. The dog howlin’ and scratchin’ at the door kept him up all night, so the next morning, he called the other man back.

   He said, “If you still want the dog, I’ll sell her back to you, but I’ll have to have what I should’a charged you the first time — she’s gonna’ be $200 now.” The man thought about it for a little while and then said he’d take her.

   Dad got to thinkin’ a couple days later about what a good huntin’ dog she was and eager she was to go hunting the night she was back. “It’s no tellin what that dog’s really worth,” he thought to himself. So he called the man to buy her back again. The man said, “Sorry, Clifford. I sold that dog to a man over in Chinquapen. He gave me $300 for her.” Cliff said, “Why’d you do that, you fool? We was both making good money off’n that dog.”

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Theodore goes Hunting

September 8, 2018 / / 0 Comments
Justin Wilson, Cajun cook, storyteller and comedian. 1914-2004

 [Note: I don’t know for sure, but I attribute this story to Justin Wilson.]

Back in the swamp lands of Southern Louisiana, Theodore Tibedaux had some city folk to come visit him. While they were visiting, they wanted to experience some true bayou life, so they asked Theodore if he would take them to try some alligator hunting. Theodore was obliging, so Theodore and the two men loaded up their rifles in his pickup truck and headed out under the Spanish Moss down an unpaved road back into the darkest part of the Bayou.

  Theodore told the fellows, “Naw ah have to make a stop ‘a the Broussard place an’ let ’em know we’ll be ‘ta roamin’ they property.” Theodore stopped the truck near where some cattle were grazing and walked up to the Broussard cottage.

“ ‘Lo, Amos!” Theodore called.

“ ‘Lo, Theo,” Amos replied. “What you about these parts for?”

Theodore told him, “Ah got some city folk visitin’ and they wan’ try they hands at a ‘gator huntin’. So’s I tol’ ’em we’d try out yore way, but ‘figured I’d stop first t’ ast ya. Ya’ll doin’ well, I presume?” asked Theo.

“No da bess o’ days I e’rd seed.” said Amos.

“Whaz goin’ on?” asked Theo.

“Well, my old kine Abigale is ill, and Doc say she’s too ol’ to recover. I hate to see her suffer. She needs be put down, but I ain’t got da heart. It tears me up sumpin’ fierce.”

“Amos, if’n id do ya, I got da rifle in the truck wi’ me. I’ll jus’ take care o’dat fo ya, then me and them boyz’ll be on ar way.”

” ‘Preciate you’d do at for me, Theo. Yo’re a good man.” said Amos.

   As Theodore walked back to the truck, he spotted the old cow, Abigale, and decided to have some fun with the city folk.

“Dang that Amos Broussard!” Theodore hollered. “He makes me madder ‘an a wet hornet.”

“What happened?” the men asked.

“He said he’s tired o’ people tramplin’ up his property, cuttin’ his fences, an’ leavin’ they trash behind, and said he won’t let us hunt his land. Now, we been frien’s near twenee-six yar, I ‘tol him. I hain’t never did you no ways wrong, but he said he didn’ care. Wasn’ no way he’s lettin’ some city folk come cross his lan’ an take a ‘gator – fren of a fren or no.”

“Well, what are we going to do?” the city boys asked.

“I’ll show him friendship!” and Theodore grabbed his hunting rifle, walked over to Abigale, and *BLAM* shot her in the head.

He waited a moment for the city boys reaction.

Then, from behind, he heard two more shots: *BLAM – BLAM*. Theodore turned around to see one of his guests putting his rifle back in the truck. “Come on, Theodore! I just shot two more of his cows… now let’s get out of here.”

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