Tag: country

Uncle Ezra Stays Out All Night

January 2, 2019 / / 0 Comments

Your hands can reveal a lot about you: a ring, or lack of, indicates your marital status. Calluses reveal that you are a laborer. Grease stains identify a mechanic. Manicured nails may indicate you work at an office job, etc.

My Aunt Ruby ran out of bread for dinner, so she sent her husband out to get a loaf at the country store. Knowing that he was bad to get distracted, she warned him, “Now, don’t take this as an opportunity to hang out with the boys, you go straight to the store and back. And don’t go flirtin’ with no women, either!”

   So Uncle Ezra headed out to the corner store to buy some bread. But as he entered the store he saw Cleetus and Fae loafing at the snack bar. Now Cleetus and Fae could usually entice Ezra into trouble, and this day was no different. They invited Ezra over for a ‘yeller dope’ and started to work their mischief.

  “Hey, Ez,” Cleetus began. “You ‘member Sally from back in the sixth grade?” “Yeah, she was a cheerleader, you recall,” added Fae. “Yeah, I ‘member her.. she’z nice.” Ezra said with a slight smile. “She’s in here,” added Cleetus, and pointed to the row of canned goods. There stood Sally, slender and blonde, much like she looked many years ago. “Go talk to her,” they prompted.

  Fae pushed Ezra towards Sally. Ezra grinned, and walked up to Sally. He shuffled on his feet, and started up a conversation. It turned out that Sally had gone on to be a very successful fashion model, and had just moved back into town. She invited Uncle Ezra back to her apartment for some coffee.

Ezra went.

  Once in her apartment, they talked and laughed and recalled the old days. Sally showed Ezra her portfolio and told him all about her modeling career; the places she had gotten to travel to, and famous people she had met. They lost track of time, talking until early morning. Sally went to get the coffee, but when she returned, Ezra had fallen asleep on her sofa. Sally covered him with a blanket and went off to bed.

  At five o’clock the next morning, Ezra rose with a start. “Oh my goodness! Oh my goodness! I’ve been here all night!” he hollered. He woke Sally and asked, “Do you have any baby powders?” She got him some and he rubbed it on his hands. “I enjoyed the visit, Sally, and it was nice to see you again, but I’ve got to go,” he said, “Ruby’s gonna be waitin’ up fer me, and she’s gonna be mad, I know!” and he ran out the door.

  At home, Uncle Ezra opened the front door slowly. Sure enough, Ruby was waiting with a wooden rolling pin in her arms. “Where you been?” she asked, “and YOU BETTER NOT HAVE BEEN WITH NO WOMAN.” “Well honey,” he began, “I went to get the bread and I run in to some of the boys down to the store, and they bought me a ‘yeller dope’, and whilst I was drinkin’ it, old Sally from grade school come up and commenced to talkin’ to me ’bout how she got a career in modelin’, and she invited me back to her place for some coffee, and I went, and we looked at her modelin’ pictures, and got to laughin’ and talkin’ and all, and I fell asleep on her couch, and I woke up just a little while ago and come straight home, and that’s the God-honest truth.”

“Let me see your hands,” demanded Ruby. Uncle Ezra showed her his hands, covered with baby powders.

“Just as I thought,” Ruby said, “You been out bowling with Cleetus and Fae all night.”

border

Grandma’s Day in Court

November 20, 2018 / / 0 Comments
Old Jefferson County Courthouse, Dandridge, Tennessee

One of the distinguishing features of living in a small Southern town is that everybody in town knows everyone else. This is especially true with the older generations who were not as mobile as their younger counterparts.

In the courtroom of one of those small Southern towns, the prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand. She was an elderly, but spry woman, sharp as a tack and very vocal.

   The prosecuting attorney approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?” She responded, “Why, yes, I know you, Billy Williams. I’ve known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot driving your big fancy car and wearing your fancy clothes when you haven’t the brains to realize that everybody in town knows that you’re a fake and you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you, Billy Williams.”

   The prosecutor was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room at the defense attorney and asked, “Well, Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?” She again replied, “Why, yes, I know Johnny. I’ve known Johnny Bradley since he was a youngster. He’s lazy, he’s bigoted, he’s boisterous and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone because he’s too arrogant. His law practice is one of the worst in the entire state, not to mention he cheated to pass the board. And speaking of cheating, he’s cheated on his wife with three different women, and one of them was your wife. Yes, I know Johnny Bradley all too well.”

   The defense attorney stood helpless. The prosecuting attorney was in shock. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, “If either one of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.”

border

The Pocket Watch

September 27, 2018 / / 0 Comments

My father-in-law loves to trade trinkets. Knives, guns, dogs, trucks, it doesn’t matter; he’ll trade on it.

   One Summer day he was sitting down at the small gas station-convenience store (like men his age do), when Fae came walking up to join them. Fae knew how much my father-in-law likes to trade, so before he even got up to him, he hollered, “‘Lo, Cliff. What you got to trade today?”

“I ‘haint got nothin’ you can ‘ford.” says Cliff.

“You might try me,” said Fae, “You don’t know what I might buy.”

“Well, I do have an awful nice pocket watch… ‘Hits a real nice ‘un.” he replied.

“Well let me see hit.”

   So Cliff let Fae inspect the pocket watch. Fae commented on the weight, and the color, and the size, and the quality, and Cliff reiterated how nice a watch it was, and that being seen with a pocket watch might even in some way help Fae with the lady folkl.

Fae finally said, “I’d like to have that pocket watch, Cliff, I really would, but I can’t see no ways to pay you ’til payday.”

Knowing he had made the sell, Cliff said, “Well, you just pay me when you feel like it.”

Fae got scarce around payday. He didn’t come around all week. Not for two weeks, then almost a full month. Then one day Cliff was driving by the store and saw Fae sitting outside. He pulled in.

After a few minutes of small talk, Cliff said. “You know Fae, I sold you a pocket watch a while back, and you still ‘haint paid me for it.”

Fae answered, “Well, you said I could pay you when I felt like it… and I just ‘ain’t felt like it yet.”

border

A Valuable Dog

September 13, 2018 / / 0 Comments
The coonhound is the perfect dog for hunting in the South

My father-in-law had an old huntin’ dog that he figured was worth some pretty good money, so he put her up for sale. Pretty soon a neighbor man came around and offered him a $100 for the dog. My father-in-law sold it.

   The next day, he got to regrettin’ old Blue not bein’ around, and he called the man up and asked to buy his dog back. The man said “O.K, but I’ve kinda growd to like her. She’ll cost you $150.” My father-in-law paid for the dog and went home. He was glad to have her back that day, but when nightfall came, the dog got the itch to hunt. The dog howlin’ and scratchin’ at the door kept him up all night, so the next morning, he called the other man back.

   He said, “If you still want the dog, I’ll sell her back to you, but I’ll have to have what I should’a charged you the first time — she’s gonna’ be $200 now.” The man thought about it for a little while and then said he’d take her.

   Dad got to thinkin’ a couple days later about what a good huntin’ dog she was and eager she was to go hunting the night she was back. “It’s no tellin what that dog’s really worth,” he thought to himself. So he called the man to buy her back again. The man said, “Sorry, Clifford. I sold that dog to a man over in Chinquapen. He gave me $300 for her.” Cliff said, “Why’d you do that, you fool? We was both making good money off’n that dog.”

border

Theodore goes Hunting

September 8, 2018 / / 0 Comments
Justin Wilson, Cajun cook, storyteller and comedian. 1914-2004

 [Note: I don’t know for sure, but I attribute this story to Justin Wilson.]

Back in the swamp lands of Southern Louisiana, Theodore Tibedaux had some city folk to come visit him. While they were visiting, they wanted to experience some true bayou life, so they asked Theodore if he would take them to try some alligator hunting. Theodore was obliging, so Theodore and the two men loaded up their rifles in his pickup truck and headed out under the Spanish Moss down an unpaved road back into the darkest part of the Bayou.

  Theodore told the fellows, “Naw ah have to make a stop ‘a the Broussard place an’ let ’em know we’ll be ‘ta roamin’ they property.” Theodore stopped the truck near where some cattle were grazing and walked up to the Broussard cottage.

“ ‘Lo, Amos!” Theodore called.

“ ‘Lo, Theo,” Amos replied. “What you about these parts for?”

Theodore told him, “Ah got some city folk visitin’ and they wan’ try they hands at a ‘gator huntin’. So’s I tol’ ’em we’d try out yore way, but ‘figured I’d stop first t’ ast ya. Ya’ll doin’ well, I presume?” asked Theo.

“No da bess o’ days I e’rd seed.” said Amos.

“Whaz goin’ on?” asked Theo.

“Well, my old kine Abigale is ill, and Doc say she’s too ol’ to recover. I hate to see her suffer. She needs be put down, but I ain’t got da heart. It tears me up sumpin’ fierce.”

“Amos, if’n id do ya, I got da rifle in the truck wi’ me. I’ll jus’ take care o’dat fo ya, then me and them boyz’ll be on ar way.”

” ‘Preciate you’d do at for me, Theo. Yo’re a good man.” said Amos.

   As Theodore walked back to the truck, he spotted the old cow, Abigale, and decided to have some fun with the city folk.

“Dang that Amos Broussard!” Theodore hollered. “He makes me madder ‘an a wet hornet.”

“What happened?” the men asked.

“He said he’s tired o’ people tramplin’ up his property, cuttin’ his fences, an’ leavin’ they trash behind, and said he won’t let us hunt his land. Now, we been frien’s near twenee-six yar, I ‘tol him. I hain’t never did you no ways wrong, but he said he didn’ care. Wasn’ no way he’s lettin’ some city folk come cross his lan’ an take a ‘gator – fren of a fren or no.”

“Well, what are we going to do?” the city boys asked.

“I’ll show him friendship!” and Theodore grabbed his hunting rifle, walked over to Abigale, and *BLAM* shot her in the head.

He waited a moment for the city boys reaction.

Then, from behind, he heard two more shots: *BLAM – BLAM*. Theodore turned around to see one of his guests putting his rifle back in the truck. “Come on, Theodore! I just shot two more of his cows… now let’s get out of here.”

border

© 2024 Beetle63's Treasury of Humor

Theme by Anders Noren — Up ↑