Category: Food

The “Whump Biscuit” Story

A true story

This is a true story. It happened back around 1992. My wife and I had been married for six years and it was still just the two of us; we didn’t have any children yet.

‘Whump’ biscuits, so named because you ‘whump’ them on the counter to open them.

Now my wife is a great cook. She’s so good, she can make sawdust taste good. But there’s one thing she cannot make — biscuits.

Her mother could make biscuits. Her mother made biscuits that rose a full three inches high and weighed just ounces. Unfortunately, my wife’s biscuits don’t rise so much. In fact, they’re so thin, you can’t cut them in half. You have to use two to make a ham biscuit sandwich. And they weigh nearly a pound a piece. So my wife relies on ‘whump’ biscuits. She just pops open a roll and cooks ’em right up.

If you don’t know, ‘whump’ biscuits come ten to a roll. But we rarely ate more than two or three each at most. Between four and six are just thrown away. So one day, I noticed in the grocery store that ‘whump’ biscuits come in five-packs as well! Well, there’s a budget blessing if ever I saw one. I told her that if she bought the five-packs, we would not have to throw out the extra biscuits that came in a ten-count can, and we would save money. I am so smart!! I bought a couple of cans.

That very night, she made biscuits.

I heard her ‘whump’ open a can of biscuits. Then I heard something disturbing: I thought I heard her whump open another can. “What is she doing?’ I asked myself. But I refrained from entering the ‘Forbidden Zone.’ (The kitchen is off-limits when she cooks). When she finally called me to set the table, I peeked in the oven. My greatest fear was realized – There were TEN biscuits in the oven. My mouth started running, not waiting for my brain to engage. “Why did you open two cans of biscuits?” I asked. “Are you stupid? We’ll only eat five and throw the rest away!” I yelled.

“I’ll teach you about throwing biscuits away!” she countered. Then she took the pan with ten biscuits and tossed it all out in the back yard.

“What are you doing?” I screamed, and I went to pick up the pan from out in the yard. To the side, I saw the neighbors were sitting on their back porch watching as things transpired. I grabbed the pan and headed back to the house. It took about two steps before I realized the pan was still close to 450 degrees hot. I dropped the pan, and kissed my burning fingers. Then to show the pan who was boss, I jumped up and down on it and stomped it till there was no life left in it. I glanced over at the neighbor’s porch. At some point, I don’t know when, they had slipped back into their house and shut the blinds. I left the hot pan and half-cooked biscuits sizzling in the grass and headed back to the house empty-handed.

One of us went to bed hungry that night. I’ll let you guess which one.


Notes Upon a Whopper

by Dick Rubinstein

I recently visited my local Burger King restaurant and received this register receipt with my purchase.

   I made a number of observations (resulting from my failure to bring any reading material into the establishment):

OBSERVATION A) They misspelled ‘Whopper.’

   Conjecture A1: No one has ever noticed the error.

   Conjecture A2: The printer manufacturer economized by reducing the number of columns of alphabetical print to six.

   Observation A2: The ‘X’ in ‘TAX’ is in the seventh column.

   Conjecture A3: The printer can’t print any letter in any column as an economy measure. There may be no ‘P’ available in column five, and no ‘R’ available in column seven. However, an ‘E’ is available in column six. This requires more investigation only achievable by more variety of orders, selected on the basis of spelling.

OBSERVATION B) Although they don’t charge for the exclusion of mayonnaise (NO M), or for providing a slice of onion (AD O) right now, the fact that they made a line for charges indicates clearly that they plan to do so some day.

OBSERVATION C) You can’t ‘AD Milk’ to your coffee. They had to write it in.

   Conjecture C1: Per Observation ‘B’ above, they do not plan to charge for milk in the coffee. or:

   Conjecture C2: No one in the software production uses milk in their coffee — they prefer to drink cream, sit all day at their desks, have cholesterol problems, and die young. or:

   Conjecture C3: The ‘AD Milk’ function was broken on the day I visited.

OBSERVATION D) Apparently, ‘AD’ is the opposite of ‘NO.’ They even talk that way amongst themselves and the customers. “Here’s your Whopper, ad onions, no mayo, Sir.” They really do.

OBSERVATION E) 3040 is a large number, and it’s printed in red.

   Conjecture E1: Per Conjectures A1 and A2, they economized by using numbers in these columns. The full line of text translates to ‘MANY THANKS.’

OBSERVATION F) Coffee is in a different category than hamburgers, as shown by the quantities appearing in different columns on the left side of the ticket.

   Conjecture F1: It may not be possible to order 100 Whoppers, because there is no room on the left side of the ticket to print a three-digit quantity.

   Conjecture F2: The columns shift right for multi-digit quantities. Ten coffees is the upper limit.

OBSERVATION G) I have no idea what ‘NV’ means.

I have finished eating my ‘WHOPER’ and have no interest in ordering any more food. Science will have to wait.

[Article by Dick Rubinstein taken from The Journal of Irreproducible Results, Vol.27, No.423 © 1981]


What’s for Dinner?

Fried Chicken Dinner

My wife has an ingenious system for labeling our dinner leftovers.

   When we were first married, she would carefully annotate a label on food storage containers in large, clear letters: “Meatloaf,” or “Pot Roast,” or “Steak and Vegetables,” or “Chicken and Dumplings,” or “Beef Pot Pie.” etc. She knew exactly what we had in the freezer.

  The problem was, every day when I came home from work, she would ask me what did I want for dinner? I never asked for any of those meals. I never told her “meatloaf,” or “pot roast,” or “steak and vegetables.” Let’s face it, leftovers are leftovers, and there’s a reason that they’re ‘left over’.

  That’s when she started labeling the leftovers with the new system. She decided to stock the freezer with the things I like, the things I requested. Today, in our freezer you’ll see a whole variety of labels. You’ll find dinners with neat little tags that say: “Whatever,” “Anything,” “I Don’t Know,” “I Don’t Care,” “Something Good,” or just “Food.” No more frustration at dinner time. Now, no matter what I reply when she asks me what I want for dinner, it’s in there!

The Ozzie Burger

When I traveled to Australia back in 2000, I was told that whatever I did, I had to try the traditional ‘Ozzie’ or ‘Aussie Burger.’ I had never heard of an Ozzie Burger’ but I was up for it. I had already tried several different foods while I was there; the traditional – fish & chips, and veal, and non-traditional – crocodile, emu, camel and kangaroo, but the one that impressed me the most was the Ozzie Burger.

I ordered my Ozzie Burger in the Victoria’s Cross area of Sydney. When my waitress took my order, she glanced around and asked, “Are you going to eat this by yourself?” What an odd question. “I thought I would, why?” I replied. “It’s pretty big,” she said and was off to the kitchen.

Australian “Ozzie” burger, stacked beef, cheese, tomato, greens, bacon, beets, pineapple and fried egg

It was one of the biggest sandwiches I have ever seen in my life. It had several layers of different food items on it. It towered a good four inches above the stack of chips (french fries) on the side. It reminded me of Dagwood’s sandwiches in the comic strip, Blondie. I could only eat about 3/4ths of it, but the memory will last a lifetime.

  The traditional Ozzie Burger is an over-the-top cheeseburger topped with unusual, but complimentary toppings: a fried egg, pickled beets, and pineapple rings for example. Don’t dismiss the beets – they are very good and taste a lot like cucumber pickles. Big cucumber pickles.


Here is a recipe for an Aussie Burger (makes 2):

  • fresh ground beef (use 16oz beef for 1/2 lb burgers, 12 oz beef for 1/3 lb burgers, or 8oz for 1/4 lb burgers)
  • 2 tbsp. extra-virgin olive oil
  • 1 tsp. dried chili peppers
  • 1 clove garlic, finely chopped
  • Kosher salt
  • freshly ground black pepper
  • 1/4 cup mayonnaise
  • 2 slices sweet Vadalia onion
  • 2 fresh pineapple rings
  • 2 slices aged sharp cheddar
  • 2 eggs, fried over-well
  • 4-6 slices bacon or 2 slices ham
  • 2 leaves of Bibb or Romaine lettuce
  • 6-8 Spinach leaves
  • 4 slices of pickled beet
  • 2 slices beefsteak tomato
  • 2 toasted hamburger buns

Set your outdoor grill or oven broiler for high heat. In a bowl, combine the beef, oil, chili, and garlic; season with salt and pepper and form into two patties.

Fry the bacon or ham until done, then set aside. In the bacon drippings, fry the onion and pineapple just until browned on each side. Next, cook the eggs until almost done, then sprinkle with water and cover, remove from heat. Grill the burgers for 5 minutes per side, or until cooked through. Toast the buns with a light coating of butter.

  To Assemble sandwiches: Set bottom of the bun on a plate, cover with mayonnaise and top with a burger. Add one fried egg, a slice of cheese, a slice of ham or slices of bacon, fried onions, one or two slices of beet, a slice of pineapple, a slice of tomato, and spinach and lettuce. Spread the top bun with sauce (ketchup), mustard, and relish as desired. It is a satisfying dining experience.

Fair dinkum!!