Kids – Beetle63's Treasury of Humor

“Hokey Pokey” songwriter Larry LaPrise passes away

In Memorium

Over 65 years ago, Roland Lawrence “Larry” LaPrise penned a simple children’s song that has become a party favorite. Roland Lawrence “Larry” LaPrise wrote the popular children’s song, “Hokey Pokey” in 1949.

It is with solemn joy that we reflect on the life of a very important man who brought so much happiness into our world through a simple little song, yet his passing went almost unnoticed. Larry LaPrise was a singer/songwriter who created the novelty song-and-dance number “The Hokey Pokey” and unwittingly creating a classic for nursery schools and roller-skating rinks.

The “Hokey Pokey’ is like a square dance, really,”
Larry LaPrise

The “Hokey Pokey’ is like a square dance, really,” Mr LaPrise told The Times-News in Twin Falls, Idaho, in 1992. “You turn around. You shake it all about. Everyone is in a circle, and it gets them all involved.”

Mr LaPrise passed away peacefully on 4 April 1996 in a Boise, Idaho hospital at age 83. The most traumatic part of his passing was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in – and that’s when the trouble started…

Top Ten List – dating my daughter

December 17, 2018 / beetle63 / 0 Comments

My daughter may be a grown up, mature woman to you, but to me, even if she’s over 30, she will still be my little girl.

Rule #1: Picking her up
If you pull into my driveway and honk, you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.

Rule #2: Proper attire
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they fall off their hips. I want to be fair and open-minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may date my daughter with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, however, in order to ensure that your pants do not “fall off” during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place. ‘Hot pants’, ‘short-shorts’ and ‘topless’ are never acceptable… on either of you.

Rule #3: The Wait
As you sit in my front room, waiting for my daughter to appear, and an hour has passed, do not sigh and fidget or roll your eyes at me. If you want to be on time for a movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup and fixing her hair, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just sitting there, why don’t you do something useful, like change the oil in my car or clean my toilets?

Rule #4: Topics of discussion
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need to hear from you on this subject is: ‘early.’

Rule #5: Lies, drinking, foul language, drugs
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be dim-witted, but on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless master of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

If you are planning on drinking alcohol – don’t.
If you plan on using foul language – don’t.
If you plan to use drugs – don’t.

If you plan on lying to me about any of the preceding topics – don’t. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and several acres of woodland. Do not lie to me.

Rule #6: Where you may and may not go
The following places are considered appropriate for a date with my daughter:

Shoney’s
Pizza Hut
Taco Bell
McDonald’s

– I realize that Denny’s is open 24 hours a day. Eating there between 8:30 a.m. and 10:30 p.m. is OK. Eating there between 10:30 p.m. and 8:30 the next morning is not.

– Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided. Movies that feature chain saws are OK. Disney movies are even better.

The following places are considered inappropriate for a date with my daughter:

Places where there are beds
places where there are sofas
places with anything softer than a wooden stool
Places where there is darkness
Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or hugging going on
Places where the temperature is warm enough to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts

School functions are okay, church is better, Retirement Homes are even better.

Rule #7: Eye and hand contact
Do not stare at, or touch my daughter inappropriately. You may glance at her, and admire her dress, but you do not stare anywhere below her neck. You may look at her face. You may look in her eyes. But remember, her eyes are not anywhere near her necklace, so you should not be spending a lot of time looking there. Do not touch her ANYWHERE below the neckline either. If you cannot keep your hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them for you.

Rule #8: Sex
There will not be any.

Rule #9: Your physical well-being
I was in the military. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a ‘chopper coming in over Mogadishu. When my Battlefield Post-Traumatic Stress starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean and load my guns. For your own well-being, as soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Announce in a loud, clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car and depart – there is no need for you to come inside. I will be awake.

Rule #10: Termination of the relationship
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. As long as my daughter understands this, it is fine with me. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date her, and no one else but her, until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Ode to a Hamster

December 11, 2018 / beetle63 / 0 Comments

When my daughter was very young, we bought her a hamster. She promised to take care of a hamster if we would buy her one. But anyone who has bought their child a hamster, knows how that goes.

It became my job every day to ensure “Wilbur” had food and water. On Saturday, it was my job to rid the hamster cage of that hideous odor that was a result of the food and water. It was my daughter’s job to watch the hamster while I washed the cage. She would set Wilbur on the sofa next to her and pet him while she watched Saturday morning cartoons. When I would bring the cleaned cage in, I’d ask her, “Where’s Wilbur?” to which she would answer, “He’s right here beside… Where’d he go?” Then we’d spend the rest of the afternoon searching under beds and in closets for him.

One day, I went to feed and water Wilbur, but he didn’t move. He had passed away in the night.

I tried to think of the best way to break the news to my daughter. I went to her room, and sat beside her. “Honey, Wilbur died last night. He’s not with us any more,” I said.

“Well, where is he?” she asked.

“God took him to heaven to be with Him,” I said.

She thought about it for a minute and asked, “What does God want with a dead hamster?”

The Autographed Baseball

December 7, 2018 / beetle63 / 0 Comments

John Rocker, controversial pitcher
for the Atlanta Braves

When we lived in Florida, we lived near the Brevard County Manatees’ stadium. Several professional teams used the stadium for Spring training. On this occasion, the Atlanta Braves were having an exposition game. My neighbor, Gene, asked if he could take my seven-year-old son along with his sons to watch the game.

I said, “Sure.”

After the game, my son came home and told me what a good time he had. He showed me a baseball he had bought, and told me about eating hot dogs and peanuts. Then he went to bed.

The next day, Gene was over.

“Did you see the baseball your son bought?” Gene asked.

“I did.” I answered.

“We stood in line over an hour to get John Rocker’s autograph,” Gene said.

The pitcher for Atlanta at the time was John Rocker. He was quite a controversial figure. In a January 2000 Sports Illustrated interview, Rocker had made some disparaging comments about New Yorkers. When asked whether he would ever play for the New York Yankees or the New York Mets, Rocker’s response was:

“I’d retire first… Imagine… you’re riding through [a city like] Beirut next to some kid with purple hair, next to some queer with AIDS, right next to some dude who just got out of jail for the fourth time, right next to some 20-year-old mom with four kids. It’s depressing.” Later he said, “Nowhere else in the country do people spit at you, throw bottles at you, throw quarters at you… I talked about what degenerates they were and they proved me right.”

“What?” I asked. “You all stood in line over an hour for John Rocker’s autograph? There was no autograph on the ball.”

“Oh yeah,” said Gene. “We got John Rocker’s autograph on your son’s baseball,” he repeated.

“I don’t think so,” I told him, and went to get the ball.

Turning the ball over and over, I saw no evidence of a signature. I handed it to Gene.

“That’s the ball,” he said, “but there’s no signature!”

So I called my son over. “Son, did John Rocker sign his autograph on your baseball the other night?”

“Yeah, Dad, some guy wrote his name on it.” he replied.

“Well, where’s the signature?”

“I didn’t like it,” he said. “It just looked like a bunch of scribble-scrabble to me so I wiped it off.”

Dating Application

December 3, 2018 / beetle63 / 0 Comments

Photo: Dimitri Vervitsiotis/Photodisc/Getty Images

Application to Date My Daughter

NOTE: This application will be considered incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, family lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

— SECTION 1 : GENERAL INFORMATION —

FULL NAME ___________________________________________________
NICKNAMES ___________________________________________________
“STREET” NAMES _________________________________________________
Explain why you have these nicknames _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

AGE ______ DATE OF BIRTH _________________
Is your date of birth within 2 years of my daughter’s? ___Yes __ No

HEIGHT ______________
WEIGHT ______________
IQ _____________ GPA _____________
SOCIAL SECURITY # _________________
DRIVERS LICENSE # _____________________
SELECTIVE SERVICE #____________________
Boy Scout rank and highest badges earned ____________________________________________
HOME ADDRESS ___________________________
CITY/STATE ______________ ZIP ___________

Do you have 2 parents? ___ Yes ___ No
Is one male and the other female? ___ Yes ___ No
If Not, explain:__________________________________________

Are your parents married? ____ Yes ___ No
Number of years they have been married _______
If less than your age, explain ______________________________________________

Where do you live?

___ with my parents
___ in a dorm room
___ with friends
___ have my own place
___ with my ex
___ wherever, dude

— SECTION 2: LIFESTYLE —

Do you own or have access to:
   a van? ___ Yes ___ No
   a truck with oversized tires? ___ Yes ___ No
   a waterbed? ___ Yes ___ No

Do you have:
   a tattoo? ___ Yes ___ No
   an earring, nose ring or any other piercing? ___ Yes ___ No
   (pierced tongue, pierced nipples or an ear gauge?)

Do you:
   Use tobacco? ___ Yes ___ No
   Smoke weed? ___ Yes ___ No
   Drink alcohol? ___ Yes ___ No
   Huff? ___ Yes ___ No
   Take drugs? ___ Yes ___ No
   Have sex regularly? ___ Yes ___ No

NOTE: IF YOU ANSWERED ‘YES’ TO ANY OF THE ABOVE QUESTIONS, YOU MAY DISCONTINUE YOUR APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES QUICKLY AND IMMEDIATELY.

— SECTION 3: ESSAY questions —

Describe in 50 words or less, what ‘LATE’ means to you. ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Describe in 50 words or less, what ‘DON’T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER’ means to you.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Describe in 50 words or less, what ‘ABSTINENCE’ means to you.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

— SECTION 4: REFERENCES —

Church you attend ______________________________________________________

How often do you attend? ______________________________________________________

When would be the best time to meet your:

father? _____________

mother? _____________

doctor? _____________

Youth minister?____________

teachers?_______________

I Like Baseball

November 7, 2018 / beetle63 / 0 Comments

When my son was about six or seven, I took him to his first baseball game, a Brevard Manatees exhibition game. Along about the sixth inning, we were getting fairly hungry and headed down to the concessions booths. We were about fourth or fifth in line when my son announced, “Hey dad, somebody dropped a dollar.”

Space Coast Stadium, Melbourne, Florida

I looked down, and between our feet was a dollar bill, folded twice. I told him, “Go ahead and pick it up.” So he bent down and picked up the bill.

“Dad, should I ask the man in front of us if he dropped it?” he asked. I admired his desire for honesty, but I explained to him a micro-lesson in human behavior: If you offer a person something of value, and ask, ‘Is this yours?’ an unscrupulous person will always say ‘yes’ and take your offering, even if it’s not honestly theirs. I told him a better way would be to wait and see what happens when the man pulls his money out to pay. If he notices he is missing money, he will start looking around for it. Then is a good time to offer the money you found to him.

We waited through several customers, and none seemed to be missing money, so after about five minutes or so, I told my son he could keep the dollar. We returned to our seats. We sat down and he unfolded the bill and said, “Dad, it’s not a dollar — it’s twenty dollars!” Then he quickly added, “I think I’m gonna like baseball.”

Churches, Weddings and Funerals

November 3, 2018 / beetle63 / 0 Comments

Justin was so cute, all the older women wanted to pinch his cheeks

Little Justin was the epitome of cuteness wrapped in the body of a four-year-old boy. The problem was, he was just too cute. It wasn’t so much the day-to-day living, as it was special functions. Like church.

Come Sunday morning, all the older ladies of the church would just carry on about Justin’s cuteness, and before he could get away from them, they would grab his cheek betwixt the index finger and the thumb, and give it a pinch. Sometimes they would add a little shaking motion, like a pit bull latched on to a chew toy. It left his cheeks rosy and numb. The pinching was especially bad at weddings. There are even more old women at weddings than there are at church on Sunday. As each one pinched his little cheeks, they’d say “You’re next!”

Well, Justin finally discovered a way to get the old women to leave his cheeks alone. Whenever he’d go to a funeral, he’d seek out the older women. He’d run up to them, grab their cheeks, and pinch it with a solid twist, look them right in the eye, smile and say, “You’re next!”

The old ladies never bothered Justin after that.

I’m Here to Pick Up Rachael

October 29, 2018 / beetle63 / 0 Comments

A true Story

My daughter is a very social girl and is always being invited to parties. This week, she’s invited to this girl’s birthday party, that girl’s Summer cookout, and another girl’s sleepover. The trouble is, we don’t find out about a Friday-night-to-Saturday-morning sleepover until after school late on the Friday of. Then it’s, “You didn’t get me a present to take to the party? Yes, I did, I told you two weeks ago that Vicky’s birthday was sometime this month, and she said she was going to invite me if she had a party…” Somehow, there is special coding in the previous sentence that translates to “I’d like to attend Vicky’s slumber party on the 15th starting at six o’clock Friday evening and ending around 9:00 Saturday morning.”

Regardless, this was one of those days. Except it was a day party on a Sunday. We darted out of the church house as soon as the last note was sung, had to run to Wal Mart and purchase a present, wrap it with tape and tissue paper purchased at the Dollar Store, get Rachael to sign a Drug Store birthday card, and deliver our daughter with a wrapped present and card to the door of her friend’s house, hopefully before noon.

We barely made it. We told Rachael we would pick her up 7:00 p.m. before the evening service at church.

The weather turned off bad that evening. It got cold and dark, and started to rain. My wife pulled in the driveway and instructed me to go in and get our daughter. I dashed through the rain and rang the doorbell. The man of the house answered the door.

“Hello, can I help you?” he said.

I said, “I’m here to pick up Rachael.”

“Oh, okay” he said, and he looked a little disappointed. “She’s in the kitchen,” he told me.

“Rachael,” he called, “There’s a man here to pick you up.” Then to me, “She’ll be right out.”

So I stood there, exchanging pleasantries with the man; Where do you work? Have you lived here long? How many children do you have? That kind of chatter. Eventually, a nice-looking lady with long black hair came out of the kitchen and asked me, “Who are you, again and where are you taking me?”

I clarified, “I’m here to pick up Rachael.”

“Yes, I’m Rachel,” she said. And the man added, “my wife, Rachel.”

“I’m here for my daughter, Rachael.” They both looked confused.

“She’s supposed to be at a party at Anna’s?” I added.

“Oh, Anna lives next door!” they said with a huge sigh of relief. We all shared an embarrassing laugh. I apologized for the inconvenience I had done them, and bid them good night.

However, I thought I heard him say as he shut the door behind me, “So, is there something we need to talk about?”

A Child’s Bible

October 9, 2018 / beetle63 / 0 Comments

A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible. After careful thought and consideration, he presented “The Bible” – as seen through the eyes of a child:

The Bible

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, some dinosaurs, and some gas. The Bible says, ‘The Lord thy God is one,’ but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, ‘Give me a light!’ and someone did. Then God made the world.

God split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren’t embarrassed because mirrors hadn’t been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn’t have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million-and-something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau. Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Then Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh’s people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don’t lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor’s stuff. Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses’ best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town. After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn’t sound very wise to me. After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed out upon the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don’t have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of the New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. I wish I had been born in a barn, too, because my mom is always saying to me, ‘Close the door! Were you born in a barn?’ It would be nice to say, ‘As a matter of fact, I was.’

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn’t stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Any way’s, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

And that’s all I know about the Bible.

The Fire Engine

September 23, 2018 / beetle63 / 0 Comments

Some firemen were sitting outside at the station house on the fire truck when they notice a little boy coming down the street. The boy is in a little red wagon with small wooden ladders hanging on the side. He is wearing a fireman’s hat and has two ropes tied to the wagon. The two ropes are tied to a dog and a cat, and the dog and the cat are struggling to pull the wagon.

As the boy approaches, the fireman says “Hey little boy. What’s your name?” The boy answers, “Joseph.” “Well, What are you doing, Joseph?” The little boy says “I’m going to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!”

The fireman walks over to take a closer look. “Well, Joseph, that sure is a nice fire truck!” “Thanks mister”, says the boy. The fireman looks a little closer and notices the ropes are tied to the dog’s collar, but the cat’s tail.

“Joseph”, says the fireman, “I don’t want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat’s collar, instead of his tail, I think you would go faster.”

Joseph says, “You’re probably right mister, but then I wouldn’t have a siren, would I?”

I’m Sorry, Wilbur is Dead

September 12, 2018 / beetle63 / 0 Comments

When my daughter was young, she had a pet hamster. She named him Wilbur. She would set Wilbur beside her while she watched cartoons on TV and play with him during the commercials. That is, if he didn’t sneak off while she wasn’t paying attention to him.

Now, hamsters are not known for their longevity. One day Rachael brought Wilbur to me and said something was wrong with him. He was stiff, cold and not breathing. Honey, I’m afraid Wilbur is dead.”

“No, he isn’t!” she protested.

“I’m pretty sure he is.” I replied.

“No, we have to take him to the doctor, she cried.

So we took him to a veterinarian.

The vet broke the news to Rachael. “Rachael, Your father is correct. It was Wilbur’s time to go, and he is no longer with us.” Then he said to me, “That’ll be $10 for the visit.”

Amid Rachael’s sobbing and disbelief, I asked, “You’re absolutely sure he’s gone?”

“Well, just a minute,” he said, and brought in a calico tabby. The cat licked Wilbur from head to toe, then lowered her head and gave a soft, “meow.” The vet then brought in a Golden Retriever. The dog sniffed Wilbur, then lowered his head and gave a soft, “woof.” “That’s conclusive, said the vet. “He’s definitely dead,” and added, “that will be $250 for the visit.”

“Now wait a minute,” I said, “It was only a $10 visit a minute ago.”

“Well, yes,” said the vet. “That was before you requested a cat scan and the lab test.”

Hot Dog

September 11, 2018 / beetle63 / 0 Comments

The Dalmation, an icon of every American small-town Fire Engine Company

When my daughter, Rachael was in elementary school, her class took a field trip to the local fire station to learn about how firemen protect the lives and property of our people. Arriving at the station house, they saw a huge red pumper engine with its shining chrome hardware filling the engine bay. But the children’s attention was diverted away from the huge fire engine by a different firehouse attraction: the company’s fire dog.

History tells us that the iconic Dalmatian fire dog dates back to the 1800’s. Dogs and horses are very compatible animals, so the dogs were easily trained to run in front of the engines to help clear a path and guide the horses and the firefighters to the fires quickly. They are still chosen by many fire fighters as pets in honor of their heroic service in the past.

This particular fire company had a mascot that all the children clamored to see and pet. Eventually, they began discussing the purpose of the firehouse dog.

The first little boy said, “The dog is there to brin the firemen good luck.” The second boy said, “No, the dog is there to keep the people away from the fire while the firemen put out the fire.” Then a little girl chimed in, “You’re both wrong. It’s the dog’s job to find the fire hydrant!”

Adoption

September 4, 2018 / beetle63 / 1 Comment

A young couple was wanting to adopt a child, so they went to an adoption agency. The social worker started the interview with a basic question, “What do you do for a living?”

*Life as a circus performer* has its unique challenges.

The husband replied, “We are circus performers. I work with the large animals and my wife does acrobatics.” “I see,” said the social worker. Then after a delayed pause she began to express her concerns. “I’m not so sure that a life in the circus is a suitable environment for a young child. Lions, tigers and elephants can become aggressive and can pose serious threats to a small child. Additionally, the constant travel and transient nature doesn’t allow a child to ‘put down roots’ that are so vital to developing stability as an adult.”

“Well, I have to disagree,” said the husband. ” Our animals are tame and very gentle, and I go to great lengths working with them. I think their is no better way for a child to learn about animals and their nature than to live right among them and observe them daily.” The wife chimed in, “And as far as the constant travel, we own a 55-foot luxury travel coach with a custom-built nursery. And I’ve hired a great nanny to tutor the child in reading, writing and arithmetic as well as a instruct them in music and a foreign language.” “And as for civics and history, there’s no better education than seeing and experiencing America’s historic sites first-hand,” added her husband.

“Well, I admit you make a compelling argument for your unconventional lifestyle, and we have several children in need of adoption. So, what age child are you wanting to consider?” the social worker asked. “It really doesn’t matter,” said the man, “as long as they fit in the cannon.”

Category: Kids