In the Navy
suppose you’re a retired or separated sailor and you’re reminiscing about your days on the boat at sea, or it could be that you’re a Reserve Officer Training Corps (ROTC) cadet, accepting a commission to the United States Navy, and wondering what the next four to six years of your life will be like. Or you could just be a Navy wanna-be and want to answer a question that’s been burning in your mind: Could I hack it in the Navy?
Read on, because here are the TOP TEN things you need to do to simulate a life in the Navy:
#10. HOUSING: Buy a dumpster, paint it grey and fill the bottom with six
inches of liquid sewage. Bilge pump the liquid sludge back out and mop up the
remainder, then repaint the floor terra-cotta. Live in the dumpster for six
months with all the people from High School you said you wouldn’t be caught
dead with after graduation.
#9. HOME MAINTENANCE: Re-run all the electrical and plumbing from behind the
walls to the outside of the walls were you can see them to paint them. Label
all the pipes and conduits so you can easily identify what you hit your head
against for the accident report.
#8. SPECIALTY MAINTENANCE: At least weekly, completely disassemble and
inspect your lawn mower. Discard one piece or part and reassemble the mower to
#7. EARLY MORNING ASSEMBLY: Have your wife (or husband) write down
everything they want you to accomplish that day, and what you’re going to wear
while doing it. Then get up at 5:00 a.m. and stand at attention in the backyard
while your spouse reads the list to you.
#6. DAILY PRIVILEGES: Allow your 5-year-old cousin to cut your hair with a
rusty pair of goat shears. Raise your bed to within 12 inches of the ceiling.
Have your neighbor collect your all mail, randomly discarding every 5th piece,
and then deliver it all to you on the last day of the month. Purchase TV
dinners for every night, but don’t cook them, just thaw them out and eat them.
#5.FASHION: Have your mommy sew a name tag with your name on it to the back
of your pants, and sew back pockets on the front.
#4. WORK: Set your alarm clock to go off at some random time in the middle
of the night. Jump out of bed, get dressed as fast as you can, making sure to
button the top button, tuck in your shirt, and tuck your pant legs in your
socks. Shut off the main circuit breaker. Walk through your house with a
flashlight, a clipboard and a pencil and make a note of the date, the time, the
water level in the toilet tanks, the temperature inside the refrigerator, and
the oil level in your car. Run outside and uncoil the garden hose. Call a
neighbor from your cell phone and when he answers, say “All Secure, Sir.”
#3. SUPPLIES: Purchase 50 cases of toilet paper, lock up all but two rolls,
and ensure that one of those two rolls remains wet at all times.
#2. SAFETY: Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills on all your door
frames in your house so that you either trip or bang your head every time you
move form room to room. To prevent tripping and banging your head, paint all
the door frames with glow-in-the-dark paint. Because glow-in-the-dark paint is
radioactive, place human bio-hazard stickers on all the door frames you painted
with glow-in-the-dark-paint. Put a red bulb in every light fixture that is near
a door that leads outside.
And the #1 simulation for life in the Navy: Yell, “Attention on deck every
time your wife enters the room.”