December 2018 – Beetle63's Treasury of Humor

Top Ten List – bad Santa

TOP TEN indicators you have a Bad Mall Santa

image Copyright © 2019 Holland’s Jewelers Blog.

He takes a ten minute break every time mall security walks by.
He’s snacking on baked beans and tuna fish on garlic bread.
He gives out cigarettes instead of candy canes.
His photography options include a centerfold spread with himself and the elves.
He keeps telling you what he wants for Christmas.
You haven’t smelled a pipe like that since college.
This year, he’s wearing a red leotard, leather thong and earrings.
He not only knows if you’ve been naughty or nice, but knows your first name, your address, home phone number, your credit card number…
He asks all the mommies to sit in his lap.
Ends each sentence with “praise Allah”

My wife

December 23, 2018 / beetle63 / 0 Comments

Whenever I go with m wife to the mall, I always hold her hand. Thant’s because if I let go, she’ll buy something.

The other day, she was in a store and the woman in front of her started to write a check. The clerk told her, “I’m sorry ma’am, but we no longer accept checks. Too many women have written us checks but did not have the money in the bank to back it up. The woman said, oh I’ve got lots of money, see? I still have blank checks.”

My wife and I approach shopping differently. I go directly to hardware, determine which of the three varieties of crescent wrench I want, and proceed to check-out. I might buy a pack of gum at the register.

Like a butterfly in a flower garden, my wife will flutter from display rack to display rack, sometimes revisiting the same one two or three times. She is attracted to bright colors and things that reflect light. Before she leaves, she will stop by the clearance isle, wall hangings, and the shoe department, even if she’s done shopping. On the way out, she’ll pick up Static Guard, breath mints, Diet Coke and a candy bar at the register.

I will pay $2.oo for a $1.oo item that I really need. She will pay $1.oo for a $2.oo item that she doesn’t need, but it is on sale.

They say if you have more than one of the same type of anything, you’re a collector. My wife collects shoes, candles, scented plug ins, furniture and wall hangings.

I don’t think she enjoys having things near as much as she does purchasing things. I found out that she will buy something and ride around with it in the back of her car for months, never taking it out of the bag. That way, when I find it and ask her “Is this new?” she can say, “Oh no, I’ve had that for several months.”

Honda Engineering

December 22, 2018 / beetle63 / 0 Comments

The first Honda Civic I ever saw was in 1978. It was a first generation model and I was shocked to see how small it was. Honda introduced the Civic in 1972, and it truly was a subcompact car. With an overall length of 11 feet and standing only 4 ½ feet high, the first generation Civic was the smallest car I had ever seen. I wondered to myself, “Who would even buy one?” In fact, first -year production was just over 30,000 units. The diminutive size seemed ridiculous to me and it impressed me enough that I penned this cartoon:

The current tenth-generation Civic has been the best-selling small car in America every year since its launch in 2012, with sales in excess of 300,000 units each year. American car buyers have purchased more than 10 million Civics over the course of 43 years.

FAQs about Women

December 21, 2018 / beetle63 / 0 Comments

Questions About Women:

Is a Laundromat really a good place to pick up a woman?

No, because a woman who can’t afford her own washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

How many men should it take to open a can of soda?

None. It should already be opened when she brings it.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It’s one of those “evolutionary things” that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something intelligent?

When she begins the sentence with “A man once told me…”

How do you fix a woman’s watch?

There’s no need to. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men have gas more often than women?

Because women can’t shut up long enough to build up pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who should you let in first?

The dog. He’ll shut up once you let him in.

Why do men typically die before their wives?

Because they want to.

Women’s Lexicon

December 20, 2018 / beetle63 / 0 Comments

Many times, a woman will say something to a man, and the man will take it on it’s surface . This can lead to problems, especially when what the woman says does not truely convey what she’s feeling. This lexicon of women’s words will alert men to words that women use that have a double meaning – and hopefully, keep them out of trouble.

The Word ==> the meaning:

“Fine” ==> This single word has a trilogy of meaning:

This discussion is over
I am right, you are wrong, and
you need to shut up now.

“Nothing” ==> This word is the warning before the storm. It actually means “something” and you should be on your toes. Heated arguments that begin with “Nothing” usually end in “Fine.”
“Five Minutes” ==> This word must be taken in context.

If she is getting dressed, it means half-an-hour
If it is the amount of time she gives you to finish watching the football game before helping around the house, it means one-and-a-half minutes.

“Go ahead”==> You must understand that this word is a dare, not a permission, Whatever it is… DON’T DO IT!
A Loud (nonverbal) sigh ==> Although not actually a word, the ‘loud silent sigh’ is often misunderstood by men. A ‘loud silent sigh’ means “You are an idiot and I don’t know why I waste my time standing here and arguing with you over ‘Nothing’.”
“That’s Okay” ==> One of the most dangerous statements that woman can make to a man is “That’s okay.” ‘That’s Okay’ really means “I want you to stop and really think long and hard before you do something stupid and I have to decide how to make you pay for your mistake.”
“I don’t care” ==> Simply put, this means “I care about this subject more than you can imagine. I already know what I expect and it is your job to figure it out. If you get it wrong, your life will become a living hell.”
“I love you”==> Means “You’re so gullible.”
“Do you love me?” ==> “Am I getting fat?”
“Am I getting fat?” ==> means “Do you still love me?” (Whatever you do – DON’T answer – it’s a trick question. If you say “Yes,” she thinks you called her fat, if you say “No,” she’ll think you don’t love her!)
“Thank you” ==> This is the least used of all words in the female vocabulary. It can have many meanings, from “I am right – you are wrong” to “This is a rare occasion in which I don’t know what to say.” If a woman says “thank you,” do not question it, just say “you’re welcome” and slowly back out of the room.

That Poor Cat

December 19, 2018 / beetle63 / 0 Comments

Uncle Ezra had a cat that had been on the farm for all his life. He was a great ‘mouser’, and would kill the rats that tried to get in Uncle Ezra’s feed corn.

This one week, however, the cat was in no mood to chase the rats. He just laid around, licking his belly ever so often. He wouldn’t move, and he didn’t look well. Uncle Ezra got worried and called the vet.

Uncle Ezra described what was happening, and the vet told him it sounded like simple constipation. The vet had rounds to make, but said if Ezra would give the cat a cup-and-a-half of Castor oil, he would stop by and check on the animal on his way home.

That evening, the veterinarian stopped by Ezra’s. “How’s your calf doing?” he asked. “Calf?” asked Uncle Ezra. “It wasn’t a calf that was sick – it was my cat.”

“You didn’t give the cat a cup-and-a-half of Castor oil, did you?” “Why, yes, I did,” said Uncle Ezra, “I thought that was what you wanted me to do.” “Oh, my! Where is the poor little creature?” the vet asked.

Uncle Ezra said, “Well, last time I seen him, he was headed out across the back field with three other cats. One was digging holes, one was covering them up, and I believe the third was scouting for new territory.”

The “Best” Service

December 18, 2018 / beetle63 / 0 Comments

A Soldier, a Sailor, an Airman and a Marine continually argued about which of the four American Armed Service was “the Best.” The soldier said, “There is no victory unless the ground troops overcome the enemy in their own territory.” The airman added, “But how are you going to get there without the air transportation? That’s why we broke away from the Army Air Corps, you couldn’t handle it.” “You’re not the only game in town, airman,” the sailor chimed in, “the Navy can deliver!”. “Yeah, three weeks later on your fastest boat,” said the marine. “The conflict will be over by then.” chirped the soldier. “Well, we really don’t need you ground-pounders.” the marine said. “The Corps can conduct ground operations as well – You know we’re a department of the Navy… The ‘Men’s Department’.

And so the debates continued and there was heated discussion, and the impasse lasted throughout their entire careers, until they each eventually passed away. Together, they found themselves standing at the Pearly Gates of Heaven in front of St. Peter.

“St Peter, they asked. “We have fought over this single question our entire lives. Can you tell us, which branch of the American Armed Forces is the best?”

St. Peter replies: “I can’t answer that. But, we can ask God about it.” Suddenly, a sparkling white dove lands on St. Peter’s shoulder. In the dove’s beak is a note glistening with gold dust. St Peter opens the note, trumpets blare, gold dust drifts into the air, harps play crescendos and St Peter begins to read it aloud to the four veterans:

MEMORANDUM TO SOLDIERS, SAILORS, MARINES, AND AIRMEN

SUBJECT: Which Military Service Is The Best?

1. Gentlemen, All the Branches of the Armed Services are ‘Honorable and Noble.’ Each of you have a dedicated place in the defense and service of your country. Each of you has served your country well and with distinction.

2. Being a member of the American Armed Forces represents a special calling. Not just anyone is suited to serve. It requires a special sacrifice, a dedication, and commitment to the warrior spirit and an ability to value the lives of your fellow countrymen above your own. These are characteristics that warrant special respect, tribute, and memorial. So, each of you should be proud of the service that you gave to your country and comrades, regardless of the branch of the military in which you served.

Very Respectfully,

GOD
United States Air Force (Retired)

Top Ten List – dating my daughter

December 17, 2018 / beetle63 / 0 Comments

My daughter may be a grown up, mature woman to you, but to me, even if she’s over 30, she will still be my little girl.

Rule #1: Picking her up
If you pull into my driveway and honk, you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.

Rule #2: Proper attire
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they fall off their hips. I want to be fair and open-minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may date my daughter with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, however, in order to ensure that your pants do not “fall off” during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place. ‘Hot pants’, ‘short-shorts’ and ‘topless’ are never acceptable… on either of you.

Rule #3: The Wait
As you sit in my front room, waiting for my daughter to appear, and an hour has passed, do not sigh and fidget or roll your eyes at me. If you want to be on time for a movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup and fixing her hair, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just sitting there, why don’t you do something useful, like change the oil in my car or clean my toilets?

Rule #4: Topics of discussion
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need to hear from you on this subject is: ‘early.’

Rule #5: Lies, drinking, foul language, drugs
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be dim-witted, but on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless master of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

If you are planning on drinking alcohol – don’t.
If you plan on using foul language – don’t.
If you plan to use drugs – don’t.

If you plan on lying to me about any of the preceding topics – don’t. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and several acres of woodland. Do not lie to me.

Rule #6: Where you may and may not go
The following places are considered appropriate for a date with my daughter:

Shoney’s
Pizza Hut
Taco Bell
McDonald’s

– I realize that Denny’s is open 24 hours a day. Eating there between 8:30 a.m. and 10:30 p.m. is OK. Eating there between 10:30 p.m. and 8:30 the next morning is not.

– Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided. Movies that feature chain saws are OK. Disney movies are even better.

The following places are considered inappropriate for a date with my daughter:

Places where there are beds
places where there are sofas
places with anything softer than a wooden stool
Places where there is darkness
Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or hugging going on
Places where the temperature is warm enough to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts

School functions are okay, church is better, Retirement Homes are even better.

Rule #7: Eye and hand contact
Do not stare at, or touch my daughter inappropriately. You may glance at her, and admire her dress, but you do not stare anywhere below her neck. You may look at her face. You may look in her eyes. But remember, her eyes are not anywhere near her necklace, so you should not be spending a lot of time looking there. Do not touch her ANYWHERE below the neckline either. If you cannot keep your hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them for you.

Rule #8: Sex
There will not be any.

Rule #9: Your physical well-being
I was in the military. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a ‘chopper coming in over Mogadishu. When my Battlefield Post-Traumatic Stress starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean and load my guns. For your own well-being, as soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Announce in a loud, clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car and depart – there is no need for you to come inside. I will be awake.

Rule #10: Termination of the relationship
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. As long as my daughter understands this, it is fine with me. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date her, and no one else but her, until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Top Ten List

December 16, 2018 / beetle63 / 0 Comments

In the Navy

suppose you’re a retired or separated sailor and you’re reminiscing about your days on the boat at sea, or it could be that you’re a Reserve Officer Training Corps (ROTC) cadet, accepting a commission to the United States Navy, and wondering what the next four to six years of your life will be like. Or you could just be a Navy wanna-be and want to answer a question that’s been burning in your mind: Could I hack it in the Navy?

Read on, because here are the TOP TEN things you need to do to simulate a life in the Navy:

#10. HOUSING: Buy a dumpster, paint it grey and fill the bottom with six inches of liquid sewage. Bilge pump the liquid sludge back out and mop up the remainder, then repaint the floor terra-cotta. Live in the dumpster for six months with all the people from High School you said you wouldn’t be caught dead with after graduation.

#9. HOME MAINTENANCE: Re-run all the electrical and plumbing from behind the walls to the outside of the walls were you can see them to paint them. Label all the pipes and conduits so you can easily identify what you hit your head against for the accident report.

#8. SPECIALTY MAINTENANCE: At least weekly, completely disassemble and inspect your lawn mower. Discard one piece or part and reassemble the mower to working condition.

#7. EARLY MORNING ASSEMBLY: Have your wife (or husband) write down everything they want you to accomplish that day, and what you’re going to wear while doing it. Then get up at 5:00 a.m. and stand at attention in the backyard while your spouse reads the list to you.

#6. DAILY PRIVILEGES: Allow your 5-year-old cousin to cut your hair with a rusty pair of goat shears. Raise your bed to within 12 inches of the ceiling. Have your neighbor collect your all mail, randomly discarding every 5th piece, and then deliver it all to you on the last day of the month. Purchase TV dinners for every night, but don’t cook them, just thaw them out and eat them.

#5.FASHION: Have your mommy sew a name tag with your name on it to the back of your pants, and sew back pockets on the front.

#4. WORK: Set your alarm clock to go off at some random time in the middle of the night. Jump out of bed, get dressed as fast as you can, making sure to button the top button, tuck in your shirt, and tuck your pant legs in your socks. Shut off the main circuit breaker. Walk through your house with a flashlight, a clipboard and a pencil and make a note of the date, the time, the water level in the toilet tanks, the temperature inside the refrigerator, and the oil level in your car. Run outside and uncoil the garden hose. Call a neighbor from your cell phone and when he answers, say “All Secure, Sir.”

#3. SUPPLIES: Purchase 50 cases of toilet paper, lock up all but two rolls, and ensure that one of those two rolls remains wet at all times.

#2. SAFETY: Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills on all your door frames in your house so that you either trip or bang your head every time you move form room to room. To prevent tripping and banging your head, paint all the door frames with glow-in-the-dark paint. Because glow-in-the-dark paint is radioactive, place human bio-hazard stickers on all the door frames you painted with glow-in-the-dark-paint. Put a red bulb in every light fixture that is near a door that leads outside.

And the #1 simulation for life in the Navy: Yell, “Attention on deck every time your wife enters the room.”

C-130 vs F-16

December 15, 2018 / beetle63 / 0 Comments

A C-130 Hercules cargo plane was lumbering along its flight path when a cocky pilot in a single-seat F-16 fighter flashed by. The jet jockey decided he would show off his speed and agility in the air.

An F-16 Falcon flies above a C-130 Hercules

The fighter jock called over the radio to the C-130 pilot, “Hey low-and-slow buddy, watch this!” and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb in full afterburner. He then finished his little capabilities demonstration with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier passing by the C-130 almost at his wingtip.

The F-16 pilot called back over the radio and asked the C-130 pilot, “What did you think of that?”

The C-130 pilot said, “That was impressive, but watch this!”

The C-130 droned along for about two more minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on the radio and said: “Well, What did you think of that?” Puzzled, the F-16 pilot replied, “I don’t know, what did you do?”

The C-130 pilot chuckled. “I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, went to the bathroom, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon bun and now I’m back in the cockpit.”

Air Force’s First Aircraft Carrier

December 14, 2018 / beetle63 / 0 Comments

After a long, drawn out Congressional funding battle with the Navy, the Air Force takes delivery of it’s first aircraft carrier.

The “Whump Biscuit” Story

December 13, 2018 / beetle63 / 0 Comments

A true story

This is a true story. It happened back around 1992. My wife and I had been married for six years and it was still just the two of us; we didn’t have any children yet.

‘Whump’ biscuits, so named because you ‘whump’ them on the counter to open them.

Now my wife is a great cook. She’s so good, she can make sawdust taste good. But there’s one thing she cannot make — biscuits.

Her mother could make biscuits. Her mother made biscuits that rose a full three inches high and weighed just ounces. Unfortunately, my wife’s biscuits don’t rise so much. In fact, they’re so thin, you can’t cut them in half. You have to use two to make a ham biscuit sandwich. And they weigh nearly a pound a piece. So my wife relies on ‘whump’ biscuits. She just pops open a roll and cooks ’em right up.

If you don’t know, ‘whump’ biscuits come ten to a roll. But we rarely ate more than two or three each at most. Between four and six are just thrown away. So one day, I noticed in the grocery store that ‘whump’ biscuits come in five-packs as well! Well, there’s a budget blessing if ever I saw one. I told her that if she bought the five-packs, we would not have to throw out the extra biscuits that came in a ten-count can, and we would save money. I am so smart!! I bought a couple of cans.

That very night, she made biscuits.

I heard her ‘whump’ open a can of biscuits. Then I heard something disturbing: I thought I heard her whump open another can. “What is she doing?’ I asked myself. But I refrained from entering the ‘Forbidden Zone.’ (The kitchen is off-limits when she cooks). When she finally called me to set the table, I peeked in the oven. My greatest fear was realized – There were TEN biscuits in the oven. My mouth started running, not waiting for my brain to engage. “Why did you open two cans of biscuits?” I asked. “Are you stupid? We’ll only eat five and throw the rest away!” I yelled.

“I’ll teach you about throwing biscuits away!” she countered. Then she took the pan with ten biscuits and tossed it all out in the back yard.

“What are you doing?” I screamed, and I went to pick up the pan from out in the yard. To the side, I saw the neighbors were sitting on their back porch watching as things transpired. I grabbed the pan and headed back to the house. It took about two steps before I realized the pan was still close to 450 degrees hot. I dropped the pan, and kissed my burning fingers. Then to show the pan who was boss, I jumped up and down on it and stomped it till there was no life left in it. I glanced over at the neighbor’s porch. At some point, I don’t know when, they had slipped back into their house and shut the blinds. I left the hot pan and half-cooked biscuits sizzling in the grass and headed back to the house empty-handed.

One of us went to bed hungry that night. I’ll let you guess which one.

Pimp My Ride

December 12, 2018 / beetle63 / 0 Comments

Ode to a Hamster

December 11, 2018 / beetle63 / 0 Comments

When my daughter was very young, we bought her a hamster. She promised to take care of a hamster if we would buy her one. But anyone who has bought their child a hamster, knows how that goes.

It became my job every day to ensure “Wilbur” had food and water. On Saturday, it was my job to rid the hamster cage of that hideous odor that was a result of the food and water. It was my daughter’s job to watch the hamster while I washed the cage. She would set Wilbur on the sofa next to her and pet him while she watched Saturday morning cartoons. When I would bring the cleaned cage in, I’d ask her, “Where’s Wilbur?” to which she would answer, “He’s right here beside… Where’d he go?” Then we’d spend the rest of the afternoon searching under beds and in closets for him.

One day, I went to feed and water Wilbur, but he didn’t move. He had passed away in the night.

I tried to think of the best way to break the news to my daughter. I went to her room, and sat beside her. “Honey, Wilbur died last night. He’s not with us any more,” I said.

“Well, where is he?” she asked.

“God took him to heaven to be with Him,” I said.

She thought about it for a minute and asked, “What does God want with a dead hamster?”

Notes Upon a Whopper

December 8, 2018 / beetle63 / 0 Comments

by Dick Rubinstein

I recently visited my local Burger King restaurant and received this register receipt with my purchase.

I made a number of observations (resulting from my failure to bring any reading material into the establishment):

OBSERVATION A) They misspelled ‘Whopper.’

Conjecture A1: No one has ever noticed the error.

Conjecture A2: The printer manufacturer economized by reducing the number of columns of alphabetical print to six.

Observation A2: The ‘X’ in ‘TAX’ is in the seventh column.

Conjecture A3: The printer can’t print any letter in any column as an economy measure. There may be no ‘P’ available in column five, and no ‘R’ available in column seven. However, an ‘E’ is available in column six. This requires more investigation only achievable by more variety of orders, selected on the basis of spelling.

OBSERVATION B) Although they don’t charge for the exclusion of mayonnaise (NO M), or for providing a slice of onion (AD O) right now, the fact that they made a line for charges indicates clearly that they plan to do so some day.

OBSERVATION C) You can’t ‘AD Milk’ to your coffee. They had to write it in.

Conjecture C1: Per Observation ‘B’ above, they do not plan to charge for milk in the coffee. or:

Conjecture C2: No one in the software production uses milk in their coffee — they prefer to drink cream, sit all day at their desks, have cholesterol problems, and die young. or:

Conjecture C3: The ‘AD Milk’ function was broken on the day I visited.

OBSERVATION D) Apparently, ‘AD’ is the opposite of ‘NO.’ They even talk that way amongst themselves and the customers. “Here’s your Whopper, ad onions, no mayo, Sir.” They really do.

OBSERVATION E) 3040 is a large number, and it’s printed in red.

Conjecture E1: Per Conjectures A1 and A2, they economized by using numbers in these columns. The full line of text translates to ‘MANY THANKS.’

OBSERVATION F) Coffee is in a different category than hamburgers, as shown by the quantities appearing in different columns on the left side of the ticket.

Conjecture F1: It may not be possible to order 100 Whoppers, because there is no room on the left side of the ticket to print a three-digit quantity.

Conjecture F2: The columns shift right for multi-digit quantities. Ten coffees is the upper limit.

OBSERVATION G) I have no idea what ‘NV’ means.

I have finished eating my ‘WHOPER’ and have no interest in ordering any more food. Science will have to wait.

Month: December 2018 (page 1 of 2)