Category: Religion

The Christmas Party

The annual office Christmas Party – looks like fun, but is it?

There is nothing in social relations that produces more terror than The Annual Office Christmas Party. There is reportedly no worse source of nightmares. yet every year, we dutifully shuffle off to endure this one night of intentional torture.

It’s a party and it’s supposed to be fun — yet it is precisely not fun. Indeed, anyone seeking fun would most probably and more likely find it almost anywhere else. But we are governed by two truths:

Truth 1: Everyone at the party appears as though they are there to see and socialize with their co-workers, when really they are there only to protect their precarious economic position. After all, if two co-workers really wanted to see each other, then why do they communicate by email when they sit in adjacent cubicles?

 Truth 2: In its apparently voluntary nature, it appears to make people welcome and to feel like they belong to the corporate whole, yet the discerning observer will notice exactly the opposite. Namely, the fellowship degrades into intimate gatherings of gossipy individuals who have previously alienated themselves from the corporate whole.

The only thing I can think of that’s worse than having to attend the Annual Office Christmas Party, is having to host the annual office Christmas party.

Thursday, December 1

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
SUBJECT: Office Christmas Party on December 23d

I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on Friday, December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi’s Italian Bistro. This gathering is for employees only. There will be a pay-as-you-go bar, but plenty of free punch and eggnog! We’ll have a small band playing traditional Christmas carols… so feel free to sing along. And don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! The Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 p.m. and we will exchange gifts among employees. However, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the gift-giving easy on everyone’s pocketbook. A special announcement will be made by our CFO at the end of the evening!

Merry Christmas to you and your families,


Friday, December 2

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
SUBJECT: Office Holiday Party

   In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. Christmas is an important holiday which often coincides with Hanukkah, though unfortunately not this year. The CEO has asked me to remind you that the company does not discriminate against any employees based on religious beliefs. However, to prevent this misconception, from now on we’re calling this event our “Office Holiday Party.” Also, there will be a “Holiday” tree present, and we will no longer be singing “Christmas” carols. However, we will have other types of seasonal music playing for your enjoyment. This same policy applies for employees who will be celebrating “Kwanzaa” at this time.

Happy Holidays to you and your families,


Monday, December 5

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
SUBJECT: Office Holiday Party

   Regarding the note I received from an employee who is a recovering alcoholic who was requesting a special “non-alcoholic” table… You didn’t sign your name. I’m happy to accommodate your request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, “Alcoholics Anonymous” you won’t be anonymous anymore.


Tuesday, December 6

FROM: Patty Lewis
TO: All Employees
SUBJECT: Office Holiday Party

Forget about the gift exchange at the office holiday party. We will have no gift exchange since the Worker’s Union contacted me with a grievance saying that they are being coerced into giving gifts to management. Instead, the executive board has voted to add a $10.00 bonus to each employee’s paycheck. Again, THERE WILL BE NO GIFT EXCHANGES.


Wednesday, December 7

FROM: Patty Lewis
TO: All Employees
SUBJECT: Office Holiday Party

   What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees’ beliefs. Luigi’s has agreed to hold off serving the meals until after sunset. For those of you with babysitters and have to leave early, you must stay until all the planned events are over and our own “little Santa in a red suit” makes the special announcement. Luigi’s can package your meals for take-home. Will that work?

   Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Over-eaters Anonymous to sit the farthest from the dessert buffet and the two pregnant women will have a table close to the restrooms. There will be a table for “Single Gay Men,” but gay male employees are not required to sit there, they will be allowed to sit with each other at a couple’s table. The lesbians do not have to sit at a couple’s table with the single gay men, unless they want to. And yes, there will be a take-home flower centerpiece on the ‘Single Gay Men’s’ table. To the trans-sexual who asked if they can cross-dress, no. Cross-dressing will not be allowed. This is a Holiday party, not a costume party.

  Finally, for our ‘little’ people we will have three booster seats available, and of course, Luigi’s is wheelchair accessible. Low-fat food will be available for those on a low-fat diet. Luigi’s restaurant does not serve “sugar-free” desserts, but there will be a limited quantity of fresh fruits for Diabetics. Those on an Atkins diet will be seated away from the dessert table and will be provided all-meat, low-carbohydrate meal. A cheese-and-bean dish will be substituted for the meat entrée for the vegetarians and vegans (V&Vs) who will not be seated near the “Atkins” table. We cannot control the amount of salt used in the food, so we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste their food first before loading up their plate. Sorry!

Okay, Did I miss anything?

Thursday, December 8

FROM: Patty
TO: All Employees
SUBJECT: Office Holiday Party

   I have just been informed that December 22 marks the Winter Solstice. Local Fire Regulations prohibit the open burning of sage by our “Earth-Goddess-worshiping” employees, but we’ll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band’s breaks. Okay???… I don’t know what else you can expect me to do, maybe sacrifice a naked woman?


Friday, December 9

FROM: Patty
TO: All Employees
SUBJECT: Office Holiday Party

   People, people! I was joking about the naked sacrifice. I realize NOBODY wants to see that!.

   Also, there was nothing sinister intended by my referral of the CFO as “our own little Santa in a red suit,” even though some employees have pointed out the anagram of “Santa” happens to be “Satan” and Satan wears red. And there is no evil connotation to my earlier remark that “he will be making a special announcement.” No one is losing their job! It’s a flippin’ tradition, folks! Like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey, or broken hearts on Valentine’s Day. Get over it! Could we all just lighten up? Please?????????
Regardless, the company has changed their mind about making the special announcement at the gathering. Instead, you will get a notification in the mail sent to your home.


Monday, December 12

FROM: Patty
TO: All you #%&$**@ Employees
SUBJECT:The %#*&^%@*% Office Holiday Party

   I have NO FREAKIN’ idea what the G*&#&p;8^ announcement is about. What the %#&^??? I DO NOT KNOW if it is about a “Christmas-” or “Holiday-” or “Kwanzaa-” or “Ramadan-” or “Earth-goddess-worshiper” bonus! I DO NOT KNOW if they are increasing hours or cutting hours or reducing non-pay benefits, or taking away the health plan. I don’t know how or if the $10 bonus gift will affect your end-of-year taxes! I work in HUMAN resources — NOT FINANCIAL Resources. As such, I do not control your stinking financial situation!!!! I KNOW YOU’RE EACH GETTING A $10 BONUS and that’s all I need to know!!!!!!!!!!!!

   And about the last-minute address changes I have been receiving for the ‘special announcement’ mailing: I have been asking FOR MONTHS for everyone to update their mailing address. It is now TOO LATE. If ONE MORE IDIOT comes to me now to update their Fre@k!ng address, they’re going to get a letter opener in the gut! You come to my office and try to change your address now, and you are dead meat!!!!!!!!!!!! NO MORE CHANGE OF ADDRESSES!!!!!! Any one who tries… you will be found hanging from the ceiling in the warehouse!!!!!!!!!!!

I MEAN IT!!! Enough!!!!

Tuesday, December 13

FROM: Patty
TO: All YOU A$$H0Le5
SUBJECT:The F******* Office Holiday Party

   BIO-SUSTAINABLE ORGANIC-VEGANS!?!?!? I’ve had it with you people!!! We’re going to keep this party at Luigi’s Italian Restaurant whether you like it or not. If you don’t like it, you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the “grill of animal death,” and eat the hydroponic tomatoes, the stinking bean sprouts, and the rancid tofu from the #$%^&*! salad bar. — But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. Tomatoes SCREAM when you slice them! I’ve heard them scream! I’m hearing them scream right now! HOW MANY INNOCENT TOMATOES HAVE TO BE TORTURED AND KILLED to feed your fat arse? >>>>>>> HA, HA, HA !
I hope you ALL have a rotten, lousy, stinking, depressing, joyless, hopeless, revolting holiday! Drive drunk and DIE!!!!! I don’t care anymore!

The B—- from HELL!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, December 14

FROM: Terri Bishop
Executive Director and Acting Director of Human Resources

RE: Patty Lewis and the Holiday Party

  I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and subsequent hospitalization, and I’ll continue to forward your get-well cards to her at Covenant Mental Health Facility. In the meantime, company management has decided to cancel our annual Holiday Party and give everyone paid time off for the afternoon of December the 23rd to spend time with their family and loved ones.

Happy Holidays everyone! and enjoy your family time,



Pastor Search

In the churches I have attended, when a pastor leaves, the church body elects a “Pastor Search Committee” whose job it is to interview pastoral candidates, negotiate a compensation package, and ultimately hire a pastor.

Report from the Pastor Search Committee

We of the Pastor Search Committee do not have a happy report to give. We have not been able to find a suitable pastoral candidate for this church, though there were quite a few promising prospects. The following is ourconfidential report listing the candidates and our reasons for rejecting them.

ADAM: Could not confirm his ethnicity. Sounds like a good man, but blames his wife when things go wrong. I also heard that he and his wife were nudists.

NOAH: Had a former mega-pastorate for 120 years but no converts. He’s prone to radical building projects. A big animal lover. I understand his last neighborhood received a flood of complaints right as he was leaving town.

JOSEPH: A big thinker. Excellent business acumen with budgets and managing resources. But he’s a braggart. He believes in dream interpretation, and I think he served some time in jail for accosting his boss’s wife.

MOSES: A modest and meek man, but a poor communicator; has a speech impediment. Prone to anger and reacts rashly in business meetings. He claims to hear quotes directly from God. Some say he had to leave town over accusations of a murder charge. He’s too intense for most folks. And someone said he was a basket case from the beginning.

ESTHER: Female.

SAUL: A promising candidate, tall, strong, handsome, and a popular leader. However, I found out later he was only selected out of desperation.

DAVID: I found David to be the most promising candidate of all until I discovered he had an affair with his neighbor¹s wife. And then her husband mysteriously died in battle? Don’t know how we could respect him.

SOLOMON: Great preacher, but he’s a player, has had serious issues with women. He is Independently wealthy, so there’s a possibility the church could pay him less and he can cover the difference. Of concern is a possibility that he may have more than one wife.

ELIJAH: Prone to depression and collapses under pressure. He hasn’t returned my calls, and no one has seen him in a long time. Doesn¹t play well with religious leaders of other denominations.

HOSEA: A tender and loving pastor, but there’s concern over his wife¹s occupation.

JONAH: This man is crazy. He told me he was swallowed up by a great fish. He said the fish spit him out on the shore nearly three days later. Oh, and he lived for a while under a giant pumpkin, too.

AMOS: Too much of a country hick. Backward and unpolished. With some seminary he might have promise; but he has a hang-up against wealthy people.

JOHN: Says he is a Baptist, but dresses like a hippie. He may be too Pentecostal. Tends to lift both hands in the air to worship when he gets excited. He currently sleeps outdoors, does one of those weird organic diets, and provokes other denominational leaders.

PETER: He has a bad temper, even said to have cursed on occasions. He’s a loose cannon.

PAUL: A powerful motivator and fascinating preacher; and he’s a published author. However, he’s short on tact, unforgiving with younger ministers, harsh, and has been known to preach all night. Very offensive to women when he starts his “submission” stuff. And he’s been arrested on more than one occasion.

TIMOTHY: Too young and inexperienced.

JESUS: He has a popular following occasionally. Once, when his church grew to 5000 almost overnight, he managed toHT offend them all with his message. Eventually, that church dwindled down to twelve people… and one of them turned against him for some reason. Even the faithful finally left his team. Critics report he seldom stays in one place very long, is easily distracted by poor, sick, and needy people, so he doesn’t focus on preaching. Disappeared for forty days one time to go camping and everyone thought he had left the ministry. He spends a lot of time in meditation, and not enough in the office. And, by the way, he is single, which should disqualify him automatically. It’s reported He hangs out with sinners most of the time. Rumor has it he’s got crossed up with the government some how. He’s been subpoenaed several times. Besides, he’s Jewish.

We intend to keep looking until we find the perfect pastor for our Church, but it’s not looking good at this point.


Pastor Search Committee.

A Child’s Bible

A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible. After careful thought and consideration, he presented “The Bible” – as seen through the eyes of a child:

The Bible

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, some dinosaurs, and some gas. The Bible says, ‘The Lord thy God is one,’ but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, ‘Give me a light!’ and someone did. Then God made the world.

God split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren’t embarrassed because mirrors hadn’t been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn’t have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million-and-something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau. Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Then Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh’s people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don’t lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor’s stuff. Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses’ best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town. After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn’t sound very wise to me. After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed out upon the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don’t have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of the New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. I wish I had been born in a barn, too, because my mom is always saying to me, ‘Close the door! Were you born in a barn?’ It would be nice to say, ‘As a matter of fact, I was.’

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn’t stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Any way’s, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

And that’s all I know about the Bible.