There is nothing in social relations that produces more terror than The Annual Office Christmas Party. There is reportedly no worse source of nightmares. yet every year, we dutifully shuffle off to endure this one night of intentional torture.
It’s a party and it’s supposed to be fun — yet it is precisely not fun. Indeed, anyone seeking fun would most probably and more likely find it almost anywhere else. But we are governed by two truths:
Truth 1: Everyone at the party appears as though they are there to see and socialize with their co-workers, when really they are there only to protect their precarious economic position. After all, if two co-workers really wanted to see each other, then why do they communicate by email when they sit in adjacent cubicles?
Truth 2: In its apparently voluntary nature, it appears to make people welcome and to feel like they belong to the corporate whole, yet the discerning observer will notice exactly the opposite. Namely, the fellowship degrades into intimate gatherings of gossipy individuals who have previously alienated themselves from the corporate whole.
The only thing I can think of that’s worse than having to attend the Annual Office Christmas Party, is having to host the annual office Christmas party.
Thursday, December 1
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
SUBJECT: Office Christmas Party on December 23d
I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on Friday, December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi’s Italian Bistro. This gathering is for employees only. There will be a pay-as-you-go bar, but plenty of free punch and eggnog! We’ll have a small band playing traditional Christmas carols… so feel free to sing along. And don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! The Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 p.m. and we will exchange gifts among employees. However, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the gift-giving easy on everyone’s pocketbook. A special announcement will be made by our CFO at the end of the evening!
Merry Christmas to you and your families,
Patty
Friday, December 2
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources
Director
TO: All Employees
SUBJECT: Office Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. Christmas is an important holiday which often coincides with Hanukkah, though unfortunately not this year. The CEO has asked me to remind you that the company does not discriminate against any employees based on religious beliefs. However, to prevent this misconception, from now on we’re calling this event our “Office Holiday Party.” Also, there will be a “Holiday” tree present, and we will no longer be singing “Christmas” carols. However, we will have other types of seasonal music playing for your enjoyment. This same policy applies for employees who will be celebrating “Kwanzaa” at this time.
Happy Holidays to you and your families,
Patty
Monday, December 5
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources
Director
TO: All Employees
SUBJECT: Office Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from an employee who is a recovering alcoholic who was requesting a special “non-alcoholic” table… You didn’t sign your name. I’m happy to accommodate your request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, “Alcoholics Anonymous” you won’t be anonymous anymore.
Patty
Tuesday, December 6
FROM: Patty Lewis
TO: All Employees
SUBJECT: Office Holiday Party
Forget about the gift exchange at the office holiday party. We will have no gift exchange since the Worker’s Union contacted me with a grievance saying that they are being coerced into giving gifts to management. Instead, the executive board has voted to add a $10.00 bonus to each employee’s paycheck. Again, THERE WILL BE NO GIFT EXCHANGES.
Patty
Wednesday, December 7
FROM: Patty Lewis
TO: All Employees
SUBJECT: Office Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees’ beliefs. Luigi’s has agreed to hold off serving the meals until after sunset. For those of you with babysitters and have to leave early, you must stay until all the planned events are over and our own “little Santa in a red suit” makes the special announcement. Luigi’s can package your meals for take-home. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Over-eaters Anonymous to sit the farthest from the dessert buffet and the two pregnant women will have a table close to the restrooms. There will be a table for “Single Gay Men,” but gay male employees are not required to sit there, they will be allowed to sit with each other at a couple’s table. The lesbians do not have to sit at a couple’s table with the single gay men, unless they want to. And yes, there will be a take-home flower centerpiece on the ‘Single Gay Men’s’ table. To the trans-sexual who asked if they can cross-dress, no. Cross-dressing will not be allowed. This is a Holiday party, not a costume party.
Finally, for our ‘little’ people we will have three booster seats available, and of course, Luigi’s is wheelchair accessible. Low-fat food will be available for those on a low-fat diet. Luigi’s restaurant does not serve “sugar-free” desserts, but there will be a limited quantity of fresh fruits for Diabetics. Those on an Atkins diet will be seated away from the dessert table and will be provided all-meat, low-carbohydrate meal. A cheese-and-bean dish will be substituted for the meat entrée for the vegetarians and vegans (V&Vs) who will not be seated near the “Atkins” table. We cannot control the amount of salt used in the food, so we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste their food first before loading up their plate. Sorry!
Okay, Did I miss anything?
Patty
Thursday, December 8
FROM: Patty
TO: All Employees
SUBJECT: Office Holiday Party
I have just been informed that December 22 marks the Winter Solstice. Local Fire Regulations prohibit the open burning of sage by our “Earth-Goddess-worshiping” employees, but we’ll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band’s breaks. Okay???… I don’t know what else you can expect me to do, maybe sacrifice a naked woman?
P
Friday, December 9
FROM: Patty
TO: All Employees
SUBJECT: Office Holiday Party
People, people! I was joking about the naked sacrifice. I realize NOBODY wants to see that!.
Also, there was nothing sinister intended by my referral of the CFO as “our own little Santa in a red suit,” even though some employees have pointed out the anagram of “Santa” happens to be “Satan” and Satan wears red. And there is no evil connotation to my earlier remark that “he will be making a special announcement.” No one is losing their job! It’s a flippin’ tradition, folks! Like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey, or broken hearts on Valentine’s Day. Get over it! Could we all just lighten up? Please?????????
Regardless, the company has changed their mind about making the special announcement at the gathering. Instead, you will get a notification in the mail sent to your home.
P
Monday, December 12
FROM: Patty
TO: All you #%&$**@ Employees
SUBJECT:The %#*&^%@*% Office Holiday Party
I have NO FREAKIN’ idea what the G*&#&p;8^ announcement is about. What the %#&^??? I DO NOT KNOW if it is about a “Christmas-” or “Holiday-” or “Kwanzaa-” or “Ramadan-” or “Earth-goddess-worshiper” bonus! I DO NOT KNOW if they are increasing hours or cutting hours or reducing non-pay benefits, or taking away the health plan. I don’t know how or if the $10 bonus gift will affect your end-of-year taxes! I work in HUMAN resources — NOT FINANCIAL Resources. As such, I do not control your stinking financial situation!!!! I KNOW YOU’RE EACH GETTING A $10 BONUS and that’s all I need to know!!!!!!!!!!!!
And about the last-minute address changes I have been receiving for the ‘special announcement’ mailing: I have been asking FOR MONTHS for everyone to update their mailing address. It is now TOO LATE. If ONE MORE IDIOT comes to me now to update their Fre@k!ng address, they’re going to get a letter opener in the gut! You come to my office and try to change your address now, and you are dead meat!!!!!!!!!!!! NO MORE CHANGE OF ADDRESSES!!!!!! Any one who tries… you will be found hanging from the ceiling in the warehouse!!!!!!!!!!!
I MEAN IT!!! Enough!!!!
Tuesday, December 13
FROM: Patty
TO: All YOU A$$H0Le5
SUBJECT:The F******* Office Holiday Party
BIO-SUSTAINABLE ORGANIC-VEGANS!?!?!? I’ve had it with you people!!! We’re going to keep this party at Luigi’s Italian Restaurant whether you like it or not. If you don’t like it, you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the “grill of animal death,” and eat the hydroponic tomatoes, the stinking bean sprouts, and the rancid tofu from the #$%^&*! salad bar. — But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. Tomatoes SCREAM when you slice them! I’ve heard them scream! I’m hearing them scream right now! HOW MANY INNOCENT TOMATOES HAVE TO BE TORTURED AND KILLED to feed your fat arse? >>>>>>> HA, HA, HA !
I hope you ALL have a rotten, lousy, stinking, depressing, joyless, hopeless, revolting holiday! Drive drunk and DIE!!!!! I don’t care anymore!
The B—- from HELL!!!!!!!!
Wednesday, December 14
FROM: Terri Bishop
Executive Director and Acting Director of Human Resources
RE: Patty Lewis and the Holiday Party
I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and subsequent hospitalization, and I’ll continue to forward your get-well cards to her at Covenant Mental Health Facility. In the meantime, company management has decided to cancel our annual Holiday Party and give everyone paid time off for the afternoon of December the 23rd to spend time with their family and loved ones.
Happy Holidays everyone! and enjoy your family time,
Terri
