September 2018 – Beetle63's Treasury of Humor

The Pocket Watch

My father-in-law loves to trade trinkets. Knives, guns, dogs, trucks, it doesn’t matter; he’ll trade on it.

One Summer day he was sitting down at the small gas station-convenience store (like men his age do), when Fae came walking up to join them. Fae knew how much my father-in-law likes to trade, so before he even got up to him, he hollered, “‘Lo, Cliff. What you got to trade today?”

“I ‘haint got nothin’ you can ‘ford.” says Cliff.

“You might try me,” said Fae, “You don’t know what I might buy.”

“Well, I do have an awful nice pocket watch… ‘Hits a real nice ‘un.” he replied.

“Well let me see hit.”

So Cliff let Fae inspect the pocket watch. Fae commented on the weight, and the color, and the size, and the quality, and Cliff reiterated how nice a watch it was, and that being seen with a pocket watch might even in some way help Fae with the lady folkl.

Fae finally said, “I’d like to have that pocket watch, Cliff, I really would, but I can’t see no ways to pay you ’til payday.”

Knowing he had made the sell, Cliff said, “Well, you just pay me when you feel like it.”

Fae got scarce around payday. He didn’t come around all week. Not for two weeks, then almost a full month. Then one day Cliff was driving by the store and saw Fae sitting outside. He pulled in.

After a few minutes of small talk, Cliff said. “You know Fae, I sold you a pocket watch a while back, and you still ‘haint paid me for it.”

Fae answered, “Well, you said I could pay you when I felt like it… and I just ‘ain’t felt like it yet.”

The USS Abraham Lincoln

September 25, 2018 / beetle63 / 0 Comments

This dialogue is based on an actual radio conversation between a U.S. Navy aircraft carrier (U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln) and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.

Canadians: “Calling U.S. Aircraft carrier. Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.”

Americans: “This is the Captain of the USS Abraham Lincoln. Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.”

Canadians: “Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.”

Americans: “This is the aircraft carrier USS Abraham Lincoln. I say again, you will have to divert YOUR course.”

Canadians: “No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.”

Americans: “THIS IS THE AMERICAN AIRCRAFT CARRIER the USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES’ ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH–I SAY AGAIN, THAT’S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH–OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP AND ITS CREW.”

Canadians: “This is a Canadian lighthouse. Your call.”

The Fire Engine

September 23, 2018 / beetle63 / 0 Comments

Some firemen were sitting outside at the station house on the fire truck when they notice a little boy coming down the street. The boy is in a little red wagon with small wooden ladders hanging on the side. He is wearing a fireman’s hat and has two ropes tied to the wagon. The two ropes are tied to a dog and a cat, and the dog and the cat are struggling to pull the wagon.

As the boy approaches, the fireman says “Hey little boy. What’s your name?” The boy answers, “Joseph.” “Well, What are you doing, Joseph?” The little boy says “I’m going to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!”

The fireman walks over to take a closer look. “Well, Joseph, that sure is a nice fire truck!” “Thanks mister”, says the boy. The fireman looks a little closer and notices the ropes are tied to the dog’s collar, but the cat’s tail.

“Joseph”, says the fireman, “I don’t want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat’s collar, instead of his tail, I think you would go faster.”

Joseph says, “You’re probably right mister, but then I wouldn’t have a siren, would I?”

Happy Valley Retirement Home

September 22, 2018 / beetle63 / 0 Comments

Unfortunately, the family eventually had to take grandpa to Happy Valley Retirement Center.

It was a hard decision to make, but the family finally agreed. Grandpa’s level of care requirements were greater than the family could sustain without disrupting their own lives. Making this kind of decision is tough; it makes you feel as if you’re callous, placing the importance of your own happiness above that of your parent, despite all the sacrifices they made for you in life.

So the family put a lot of time into finding the retirement center that offered the cleanest facilities, the most varied menu, the most interactive social environment, the most structured activity schedule, the friendliest staff, and the most tender-hearted caregivers. It was no trivial selection.

The day came that Grandpa was to move in to Happy Valley Retirement Center, and all the family came out. There were third cousins twice removed, and great-aunts by marriage on the father’s side, and grandchildren down to the great-great-great level. It was an atmosphere of celebration, and everyone wanted Grandpa to know they still cared. But eventually they all left, and it was just Grandpa and the staff.

One of the staff members noticed that Grandpa was leaning to the right in his wheelchair. “Here, let me prop you up with this pillow, sweetheart,” she said as she straightened his posture.

But then he started to lean to the left. “Well, sugar, now you’re falling over the other way! Let me get you another pillow.” And she put a pillow on his left side, wedging him in the wheelchair so he would remain upright.

Grandpa sat there a few minutes, then slowly started to slide forward in his wheelchair. “Oh my,” said the nurse, “We’re going to have to do something to make sure you don’t fall out and hurt yourself.” She went and got a restraining strap that, like a seat belt, would keep Grandpa upright and safe.

The next day, the family came to check on Grandpa. They were sure he would be pleased with his new living arrangement and all the attention the staff would shower on him. “How are you liking Happy Valley, Grandpa?” they asked.

“I HATE IT!” he declared loudly.

“Well, it’s clean, your room is nice, You’re getting good meals. What’s wrong?”

“It’s the staff. They’re mean to me. They’re trying to torture me.” he said.

“What are you talking about, Grandpa?”

Grandpa pointed to the pillows and the strap holding him securely in place, “They won’t let me fart!”

MacMonopoly

September 21, 2018 / beetle63 / 0 Comments

McDonald’s Monopoly game piece – peel it to win

MacDonald’s launched their 20th annual Monopoly game contest in 2012. When you buy certain food and drink items from McDonald’s, you get two or four game pieces attached to the packaging. You peel the game pieces off to reveal either an instant win coupon or a monopoly property card that you can try to collect for a big prize.

My daughter has always been lucky when it comes to games of chance. One Christmas, when she was about 10, she wanted to hang around the department store after we bought our Christmas gifts so she could win a door prize. I tried my best to discourage her so we could go home, but she begged, and so we stayed. She won the door prize — a diamond tennis bracelet worth about $200.

The other night, we were eating at McD’s, and my daughter pulls her Monopoly game pieces from her drink cup. A WINNER! She wins a free Tropical Smoothie.

Now remember, my daughter is very lucky when it comes to games of chance.

She goes up to the counter to claim it, and she comes back with a Tropical Smoothie for me and a large vanilla milk shake for herself. “What happened?” I asked. “The guy behind the counter made another customer the wrong drink, so he let me have it for free.” WINNER! Oh and, by the way, the milk shake he gave her had two more Monopoly pull-off pieces. You guessed it. WINNER! – She wins a free order of fries to go with that milk shake and smoothie.

So what did I get on my drink cup Monopoly pull-offs? Luxury tax and GO STRAIGHT TO JAIL.

The Wheels of Life

September 19, 2018 / beetle63 / 0 Comments

A {blank} walks in to a Bar

September 18, 2018 / beetle63 / 0 Comments

One-line jokes start with a simple introduction that does two things: first, it prepares you that you are going to hear a joke, and second, it sets the stage for the presentation. Many classic one-liners start with the same simple line: “knock-knoc…” “A traveling salesman…”, or the long-tenured, “A {****} walks into a bar.” Here are some one-line bar jokes you may or may not have heard:

A Horse walks in to a bar. The bartender asks, “Why the long face?”

A bear walks in to a bar and says, “Bartender, I’ll have a beer and …”

“… a pack of peanuts.” The bartender asks, “Why the big pause?”

A grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The grasshopper looks surprised and asks, “You have a drink named Steve?”

A man and a giraffe walk in to a bar. After having several drinks, the giraffe passes out, so the man decided to call it a night. As he walks out the door, the bartender says, “Hey, you can’t leave that lying in here.” The man responded, that’s not a lion, it’s a giraffe.

A monkey walks into a bar and says, “A scotch on the rocks, please.” The monkey hands the bartender a $100 bill. The bartender thinks to himself, this monkey doesn’t know the prices of drinks, and gives him a dollar in change. The bartender says, “You know, we don’t get too many monkeys in here.” The monkey replies, “Well, at $90 a drink, I ain’t coming back, either.”

A dog walks in to a bar, but he only gets a mild concussion.

A termite walks in to a bar. He asks, “Is the bartender?”

A dog, a cat, a horse, a monkey and a bear and a giraffe walk in to a bar. The bartender looks at them and asks, “Is this some kind of joke?”

A Valuable Dog

September 13, 2018 / beetle63 / 0 Comments

The coonhound is the perfect dog for hunting in the South

My father-in-law had an old huntin’ dog that he figured was worth some pretty good money, so he put her up for sale. Pretty soon a neighbor man came around and offered him a $100 for the dog. My father-in-law sold it.

The next day, he got to regrettin’ old Blue not bein’ around, and he called the man up and asked to buy his dog back. The man said “O.K, but I’ve kinda growd to like her. She’ll cost you $150.” My father-in-law paid for the dog and went home. He was glad to have her back that day, but when nightfall came, the dog got the itch to hunt. The dog howlin’ and scratchin’ at the door kept him up all night, so the next morning, he called the other man back.

He said, “If you still want the dog, I’ll sell her back to you, but I’ll have to have what I should’a charged you the first time — she’s gonna’ be $200 now.” The man thought about it for a little while and then said he’d take her.

Dad got to thinkin’ a couple days later about what a good huntin’ dog she was and eager she was to go hunting the night she was back. “It’s no tellin what that dog’s really worth,” he thought to himself. So he called the man to buy her back again. The man said, “Sorry, Clifford. I sold that dog to a man over in Chinquapen. He gave me $300 for her.” Cliff said, “Why’d you do that, you fool? We was both making good money off’n that dog.”

I’m Sorry, Wilbur is Dead

September 12, 2018 / beetle63 / 0 Comments

When my daughter was young, she had a pet hamster. She named him Wilbur. She would set Wilbur beside her while she watched cartoons on TV and play with him during the commercials. That is, if he didn’t sneak off while she wasn’t paying attention to him.

Now, hamsters are not known for their longevity. One day Rachael brought Wilbur to me and said something was wrong with him. He was stiff, cold and not breathing. Honey, I’m afraid Wilbur is dead.”

“No, he isn’t!” she protested.

“I’m pretty sure he is.” I replied.

“No, we have to take him to the doctor, she cried.

So we took him to a veterinarian.

The vet broke the news to Rachael. “Rachael, Your father is correct. It was Wilbur’s time to go, and he is no longer with us.” Then he said to me, “That’ll be $10 for the visit.”

Amid Rachael’s sobbing and disbelief, I asked, “You’re absolutely sure he’s gone?”

“Well, just a minute,” he said, and brought in a calico tabby. The cat licked Wilbur from head to toe, then lowered her head and gave a soft, “meow.” The vet then brought in a Golden Retriever. The dog sniffed Wilbur, then lowered his head and gave a soft, “woof.” “That’s conclusive, said the vet. “He’s definitely dead,” and added, “that will be $250 for the visit.”

“Now wait a minute,” I said, “It was only a $10 visit a minute ago.”

“Well, yes,” said the vet. “That was before you requested a cat scan and the lab test.”

Hot Dog

September 11, 2018 / beetle63 / 0 Comments

The Dalmation, an icon of every American small-town Fire Engine Company

When my daughter, Rachael was in elementary school, her class took a field trip to the local fire station to learn about how firemen protect the lives and property of our people. Arriving at the station house, they saw a huge red pumper engine with its shining chrome hardware filling the engine bay. But the children’s attention was diverted away from the huge fire engine by a different firehouse attraction: the company’s fire dog.

History tells us that the iconic Dalmatian fire dog dates back to the 1800’s. Dogs and horses are very compatible animals, so the dogs were easily trained to run in front of the engines to help clear a path and guide the horses and the firefighters to the fires quickly. They are still chosen by many fire fighters as pets in honor of their heroic service in the past.

This particular fire company had a mascot that all the children clamored to see and pet. Eventually, they began discussing the purpose of the firehouse dog.

The first little boy said, “The dog is there to brin the firemen good luck.” The second boy said, “No, the dog is there to keep the people away from the fire while the firemen put out the fire.” Then a little girl chimed in, “You’re both wrong. It’s the dog’s job to find the fire hydrant!”

Theodore goes Hunting

September 8, 2018 / beetle63 / 0 Comments

Justin Wilson, Cajun cook, storyteller and comedian. 1914-2004

[Note: I don’t know for sure, but I attribute this story to Justin Wilson.]

Back in the swamp lands of Southern Louisiana, Theodore Tibedaux had some city folk to come visit him. While they were visiting, they wanted to experience some true bayou life, so they asked Theodore if he would take them to try some alligator hunting. Theodore was obliging, so Theodore and the two men loaded up their rifles in his pickup truck and headed out under the Spanish Moss down an unpaved road back into the darkest part of the Bayou.

Theodore told the fellows, “Naw ah have to make a stop ‘a the Broussard place an’ let ’em know we’ll be ‘ta roamin’ they property.” Theodore stopped the truck near where some cattle were grazing and walked up to the Broussard cottage.

“ ‘Lo, Amos!” Theodore called.

“ ‘Lo, Theo,” Amos replied. “What you about these parts for?”

Theodore told him, “Ah got some city folk visitin’ and they wan’ try they hands at a ‘gator huntin’. So’s I tol’ ’em we’d try out yore way, but ‘figured I’d stop first t’ ast ya. Ya’ll doin’ well, I presume?” asked Theo.

“No da bess o’ days I e’rd seed.” said Amos.

“Whaz goin’ on?” asked Theo.

“Well, my old kine Abigale is ill, and Doc say she’s too ol’ to recover. I hate to see her suffer. She needs be put down, but I ain’t got da heart. It tears me up sumpin’ fierce.”

“Amos, if’n id do ya, I got da rifle in the truck wi’ me. I’ll jus’ take care o’dat fo ya, then me and them boyz’ll be on ar way.”

” ‘Preciate you’d do at for me, Theo. Yo’re a good man.” said Amos.

As Theodore walked back to the truck, he spotted the old cow, Abigale, and decided to have some fun with the city folk.

“Dang that Amos Broussard!” Theodore hollered. “He makes me madder ‘an a wet hornet.”

“What happened?” the men asked.

“He said he’s tired o’ people tramplin’ up his property, cuttin’ his fences, an’ leavin’ they trash behind, and said he won’t let us hunt his land. Now, we been frien’s near twenee-six yar, I ‘tol him. I hain’t never did you no ways wrong, but he said he didn’ care. Wasn’ no way he’s lettin’ some city folk come cross his lan’ an take a ‘gator – fren of a fren or no.”

“Well, what are we going to do?” the city boys asked.

“I’ll show him friendship!” and Theodore grabbed his hunting rifle, walked over to Abigale, and *BLAM* shot her in the head.

He waited a moment for the city boys reaction.

Then, from behind, he heard two more shots: *BLAM – BLAM*. Theodore turned around to see one of his guests putting his rifle back in the truck. “Come on, Theodore! I just shot two more of his cows… now let’s get out of here.”

REAL Estate

September 7, 2018 / beetle63 / 0 Comments

My wife and I have moved eight times during my twenty year military career. While we haven’t purchased that many houses, we have looked at nearly a bazillion that were for sale. Many of the homes we’ve seen had glaring defects: a sagging roof, crumbling foundation, or it was built at the end of an airport runway.

A good seller’s real estate agent will present even the worst of home defects in a positive way (the house doesn’t have indoor plumbing, but look at how much you’ll save on your water bill!) in an effort to make the sell. Here is an example of how to not only read, but also to interpret a real estate ad:

A typical real estate ad and its interpretation

Remember the Ice Cream

September 6, 2018 / beetle63 / 0 Comments

A Couple in their eighties were both having problems remembering things. During a medical check-up, the doctor tells them that mentally, they’re just fine. He advises them that if they’re having trouble remembering things, they might want to start writing things down.

Vanilla ice cream with fresh strawberries

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.

‘Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?’ he asks.

“Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?”

“Sure.”

“Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?” she asks.

“No, I can remember it.”

“Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?”

He says, “I can remember that. You want a bowl of vanilla ice cream with strawberries.”

“I’d also like whipped cream. I don’t want you to forget that, so write it down.” she says.

Irritated, he replies, “Dang it, woman, I don’t need to write it down! I can remember that simple thing: Vanilla ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it, for goodness sake!”

Then he ambles into the kitchen and she hears him getting out bowls and flatware. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate in disbelief.

“I told you, you should have written it down,” she quipped, “You forgot the toast.”

Congrats! You’re Cured!

September 5, 2018 / beetle63 / 0 Comments

A retired metropolitan doctor decided his small hometown could use the services of a seasoned medical provider, so he left retirement and hung out his shingle for the second time in his life. To drum up business, he took out an ad in the local paper announcing his return to the practice of medicine. The ad said, “Experienced Doctor opening medical clinic in town, is now accepting new patients. ‘I Can heal any condition for only $300. Results guaranteed or I will give you $1000 cash back.’”

Eventually, one of the younger doctors in town started losing business to the older man. He decided to take revenge on the older provider. He would pretend to be a patient, and fake an illness that the older doctor couldn’t possibly heal. Then he would collect his $1000 cash reward.

The younger doctor went in and said, “Doctor, I’ve got an illness that no other physician has been able to cure. I have lost all sense of taste in my mouth. It is so bad, I can’t enjoy food any more.”

The older doctor called out, “Nurse, bring out a medicine dropper of Formula #2 and put three drops on the patient’s tongue.”

As the nurse placed the drops on the young doctor’s tongue, he screamed out, “Are you trying to kill me? That tastes like kerosene!!!”

The older doctor said, “Congratulations! You’re cured, that’ll be $300.”

A week went by and the young doctor returned for a second round. “Doctor, I have memory problems. I can’t seem to remember anything.”

The older doctor asked, “How long has this been going on?”

“How long has what been going on?” replied the younger doctor, feeling mighty smug.

“I see,” said the elder.” Nurse, please bring out a medicine dropper of Formula #2 and put three drops on the patient’s tongue.”

“No way!”, said the younger doctor, “‘Formula #2’ tastes like kerosene.”

The older doctor said, “Congratulations! You’re cured, that’ll be $300.”

The younger doctor pouted for a week then decided to give the old man one final challenge. This time he would pretend to be blind. Donning dark glasses and a cane, he went to see the older physician. “Doctor, I’ve gone blind, I can’t see a thing anymore.” he said. After a series of inconclusive tests, the young man said, “Doc, just admit you can’t do anything for me and give me my thousand dollars.”

The older doctor says, “You’re right, I may have been a little ambitious in my claim. Here’s your thousand dollars,” He counted out loudly: “$100 – $200 – $300 – $400…” as he placed ten $10 bills in the patient’s hand.

“Hey, that’s not a thousand dollars,” objected the younger doctor, “that’s only a hundred. What are you trying to pull?” To which the elder replied, “Congratulations! You’re cured, that’ll be $300.”

Adoption

September 4, 2018 / beetle63 / 1 Comment

A young couple was wanting to adopt a child, so they went to an adoption agency. The social worker started the interview with a basic question, “What do you do for a living?”

*Life as a circus performer* has its unique challenges.

The husband replied, “We are circus performers. I work with the large animals and my wife does acrobatics.” “I see,” said the social worker. Then after a delayed pause she began to express her concerns. “I’m not so sure that a life in the circus is a suitable environment for a young child. Lions, tigers and elephants can become aggressive and can pose serious threats to a small child. Additionally, the constant travel and transient nature doesn’t allow a child to ‘put down roots’ that are so vital to developing stability as an adult.”

“Well, I have to disagree,” said the husband. ” Our animals are tame and very gentle, and I go to great lengths working with them. I think their is no better way for a child to learn about animals and their nature than to live right among them and observe them daily.” The wife chimed in, “And as far as the constant travel, we own a 55-foot luxury travel coach with a custom-built nursery. And I’ve hired a great nanny to tutor the child in reading, writing and arithmetic as well as a instruct them in music and a foreign language.” “And as for civics and history, there’s no better education than seeing and experiencing America’s historic sites first-hand,” added her husband.

“Well, I admit you make a compelling argument for your unconventional lifestyle, and we have several children in need of adoption. So, what age child are you wanting to consider?” the social worker asked. “It really doesn’t matter,” said the man, “as long as they fit in the cannon.”

Month: September 2018 (page 1 of 2)