Author: beetle63 (page 1 of 7)

My Wife Went to the Dentist

My wife went to the dentist the other day. He told her, “You need a crown.”

She replied, “I know, right?”

“Hokey Pokey” songwriter Larry LaPrise passes away

In Memorium

Over 65 years ago, Roland Lawrence “Larry” LaPrise penned a simple children’s song that has become a party favorite. Roland Lawrence “Larry” LaPrise wrote the popular children’s song, “Hokey Pokey” in 1949.

   It is with solemn joy that we reflect on the life of a very important man who brought so much happiness into our world through a simple little song, yet his passing went almost unnoticed. Larry LaPrise was a singer/songwriter who created the novelty song-and-dance number “The Hokey Pokey” and unwittingly creating a classic for nursery schools and roller-skating rinks.

The “Hokey Pokey’ is like a square dance, really,”

Larry LaPrise

The “Hokey Pokey’ is like a square dance, really,” Mr LaPrise told The Times-News in Twin Falls, Idaho, in 1992. “You turn around. You shake it all about. Everyone is in a circle, and it gets them all involved.”

   Mr LaPrise passed away peacefully on 4 April 1996 in a Boise, Idaho hospital at age 83. The most traumatic part of his passing was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in – and that’s when the trouble started…

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Read more about Larry LaPrise

Top Ten Lists – dog vs. wife

Ten reasons a dog is better than a wife

Top Ten Reasons Why Dogs are Better Than Wives:

  1. The later you are, the more excited your dog is to see you.
  2. Dogs like it when you rub their head.
  3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
  4. A dog’s parents never come to visit.
  5. A barking dog will shut up once you let them in the house.
  6. You never have to wait on a dog; they’re ready to go 24 hours a day.
  7. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
  8. A dog will not wake you up in the middle of the night to ask, ‘If I died, would you get another dog?’
  9. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don’t get mad. They just think it’s interesting.
    And last, but not least:
  10. If a dog leaves you, it won’t take half of your stuff with it.

For a definitive test of why a dog is better than a wife, try putting your dog and your wife in the car trunk for an hour and see which one seems happier to see you when you open the trunk.

Then there’s this sinister reason: If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

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How Old Do I Look?

Just because you’re old, doesn’t mean you’re dead

 Gloria was a widow on the make at the local nursing home. She was after just about every man in the place. “Frank,” she said. “Hmmmm,” he replied from his hiding place behind the newspaper. He was not really wanting to start a conversation with Gloria. Especially this conversation.

“Do I look old?” she asked. “Hmmmm,” he replied again.

   “Well, I don’t feel old. My hair may be grey, my eyelids drooping, and the ‘girls’ are hanging farther South these days, but I think all in all, I look pretty good. What do you think?” she asked.

“No, you don’t look old.” he replied,

She continued to pester him for reassurance. “I just feel like I’m elderly and matronly. How old do you think I look?”

   Finally, he put the newspaper down. “Gloria,” he said, “You have the body of a 24-year-old, the face of a 20-year-old, and the hair of an 18-year-old.”

“Thank you, Frank,” she said.

Frank said, “Now, let me finish… I haven’t added them up yet.”

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Uncle Ezra Stays Out All Night

Your hands can reveal a lot about you: a ring, or lack of, indicates your marital status. Calluses reveal that you are a laborer. Grease stains identify a mechanic. Manicured nails may indicate you work at an office job, etc.

My Aunt Ruby ran out of bread for dinner, so she sent her husband out to get a loaf at the country store. Knowing that he was bad to get distracted, she warned him, “Now, don’t take this as an opportunity to hang out with the boys, you go straight to the store and back. And don’t go flirtin’ with no women, either!”

   So Uncle Ezra headed out to the corner store to buy some bread. But as he entered the store he saw Cleetus and Fae loafing at the snack bar. Now Cleetus and Fae could usually entice Ezra into trouble, and this day was no different. They invited Ezra over for a ‘yeller dope’ and started to work their mischief.

  “Hey, Ez,” Cleetus began. “You ‘member Sally from back in the sixth grade?” “Yeah, she was a cheerleader, you recall,” added Fae. “Yeah, I ‘member her.. she’z nice.” Ezra said with a slight smile. “She’s in here,” added Cleetus, and pointed to the row of canned goods. There stood Sally, slender and blonde, much like she looked many years ago. “Go talk to her,” they prompted.

  Fae pushed Ezra towards Sally. Ezra grinned, and walked up to Sally. He shuffled on his feet, and started up a conversation. It turned out that Sally had gone on to be a very successful fashion model, and had just moved back into town. She invited Uncle Ezra back to her apartment for some coffee.

Ezra went.

  Once in her apartment, they talked and laughed and recalled the old days. Sally showed Ezra her portfolio and told him all about her modeling career; the places she had gotten to travel to, and famous people she had met. They lost track of time, talking until early morning. Sally went to get the coffee, but when she returned, Ezra had fallen asleep on her sofa. Sally covered him with a blanket and went off to bed.

  At five o’clock the next morning, Ezra rose with a start. “Oh my goodness! Oh my goodness! I’ve been here all night!” he hollered. He woke Sally and asked, “Do you have any baby powders?” She got him some and he rubbed it on his hands. “I enjoyed the visit, Sally, and it was nice to see you again, but I’ve got to go,” he said, “Ruby’s gonna be waitin’ up fer me, and she’s gonna be mad, I know!” and he ran out the door.

  At home, Uncle Ezra opened the front door slowly. Sure enough, Ruby was waiting with a wooden rolling pin in her arms. “Where you been?” she asked, “and YOU BETTER NOT HAVE BEEN WITH NO WOMAN.” “Well honey,” he began, “I went to get the bread and I run in to some of the boys down to the store, and they bought me a ‘yeller dope’, and whilst I was drinkin’ it, old Sally from grade school come up and commenced to talkin’ to me ’bout how she got a career in modelin’, and she invited me back to her place for some coffee, and I went, and we looked at her modelin’ pictures, and got to laughin’ and talkin’ and all, and I fell asleep on her couch, and I woke up just a little while ago and come straight home, and that’s the God-honest truth.”

“Let me see your hands,” demanded Ruby. Uncle Ezra showed her his hands, covered with baby powders.

“Just as I thought,” Ruby said, “You been out bowling with Cleetus and Fae all night.”

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Lucky – not

I am not one who plays the lottery regularly, but I do enjoy playing a scratch-off ticket every once in a while. When I lived in Virginia, I would pick up a $1 scratch off when I paid for my gas on the way home from work. I never won much, a dollar back here, two dollars there. I won $20 one time.

I moved to Tennessee in 2008. I believe the Tennessee Lottery is rigged. Given the laws of probability, it’s just not possible to lose as many games as I have. To save time, I should just have lottery loses deducted directly out of my pay, just like taxes are. My odds of winning are the same as if I picked through losing tickets thrown out in the parking lot dumpster. But I’ll let you be the judge. Here is my most recent scratch-off. To win, you must match one of the winning numbers , in this case, 26 or 24, to one of the other ten numbers.

As you can see, the number 26 wins a prize because it matches the number 26 printed in the red circle. My reward is circled in red.

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Top Ten List – bad Santa

TOP TEN indicators you have a Bad Mall Santa

image Copyright © 2019 Holland’s Jewelers Blog.
  1. He takes a ten minute break every time mall security walks by.
  2. He’s snacking on baked beans and tuna fish on garlic bread.
  3. He gives out cigarettes instead of candy canes.
  4. His photography options include a centerfold spread with himself and the elves.
  5. He keeps telling you what he wants for Christmas.
  6. You haven’t smelled a pipe like that since college.
  7. This year, he’s wearing a red leotard, leather thong and earrings.
  8. He not only knows if you’ve been naughty or nice, but knows your first name, your address, home phone number, your credit card number…
  9. He asks all the mommies to sit in his lap.
  10. Ends each sentence with “praise Allah”
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My wife

Whenever I go with m wife to the mall, I always hold her hand. Thant’s because if I let go, she’ll buy something.

The other day, she was in a store and the woman in front of her started to write a check. The clerk told her, “I’m sorry ma’am, but we no longer accept checks. Too many women have written us checks but did not have the money in the bank to back it up. The woman said, oh I’ve got lots of money, see? I still have blank checks.”

My wife and I approach shopping differently. I go directly to hardware, determine which of the three varieties of crescent wrench I want, and proceed to check-out. I might buy a pack of gum at the register.

Like a butterfly in a flower garden, my wife will flutter from display rack to display rack, sometimes revisiting the same one two or three times. She is attracted to bright colors and things that reflect light. Before she leaves, she will stop by the clearance isle, wall hangings, and the shoe department, even if she’s done shopping. On the way out, she’ll pick up Static Guard, breath mints, Diet Coke and a candy bar at the register.

I will pay $2.oo for a $1.oo item that I really need. She will pay $1.oo for a $2.oo item that she doesn’t need, but it is on sale.

They say if you have more than one of the same type of anything, you’re a collector. My wife collects shoes, candles, scented plug ins, furniture and wall hangings.

I don’t think she enjoys having things near as much as she does purchasing things. I found out that she will buy something and ride around with it in the back of her car for months, never taking it out of the bag. That way, when I find it and ask her “Is this new?” she can say, “Oh no, I’ve had that for several months.”

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Honda Engineering

The first Honda Civic I ever saw was in 1978. It was a first generation model and I was shocked to see how small it was. Honda introduced the Civic in 1972, and it truly was a subcompact car. With an overall length of 11 feet and standing only 4 ½ feet high, the first generation Civic was the smallest car I had ever seen. I wondered to myself, “Who would even buy one?” In fact, first -year production was just over 30,000 units. The diminutive size seemed ridiculous to me and it impressed me enough that I penned this cartoon:

The current tenth-generation Civic has been the best-selling small car in America every year since its launch in 2012, with sales in excess of 300,000 units each year. American car buyers have purchased more than 10 million Civics over the course of 43 years.

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FAQs about Women

Questions About Women:

Is a Laundromat really a good place to pick up a woman?

No, because a woman who can’t afford her own washing machine will probably never be able to support you.


How many men should it take to open a can of soda?

None. It should already be opened when she brings it.


Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It’s one of those “evolutionary things” that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.


How do you know when a woman is about to say something intelligent?

When she begins the sentence with “A man once told me…”


How do you fix a woman’s watch?

There’s no need to. There is a clock on the oven.


Why do men have gas more often than women?

   Because women can’t shut up long enough to build up pressure.


If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who should you let in first?

   The dog. He’ll shut up once you let him in.


Why do men typically die before their wives?

   Because they want to.

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Women’s Lexicon

Many times, a woman will say something to a man, and the man will take it on it’s surface . This can lead to problems, especially when what the woman says does not truely convey what she’s feeling. This lexicon of women’s words will alert men to words that women use that have a double meaning – and hopefully, keep them out of trouble.

The Word ==> the meaning:

  • “Fine” ==> This single word has a trilogy of meaning:
  1. This discussion is over
  2. I am right, you are wrong, and
  3. you need to shut up now.
  • “Nothing” ==> This word is the warning before the storm. It actually means “something” and you should be on your toes. Heated arguments that begin with “Nothing” usually end in “Fine.”
  • “Five Minutes” ==> This word must be taken in context.
  1. If she is getting dressed, it means half-an-hour
  2. If it is the amount of time she gives you to finish watching the football game before helping around the house, it means one-and-a-half minutes.
  • “Go ahead”==> You must understand that this word is a dare, not a permission, Whatever it is… DON’T DO IT!
  • A Loud (nonverbal) sigh ==> Although not actually a word, the ‘loud silent sigh’ is often misunderstood by men. A ‘loud silent sigh’ means “You are an idiot and I don’t know why I waste my time standing here and arguing with you over ‘Nothing’.”
  • “That’s Okay” ==> One of the most dangerous statements that woman can make to a man is “That’s okay.” ‘That’s Okay’ really means “I want you to stop and really think long and hard before you do something stupid and I have to decide how to make you pay for your mistake.”
  • “I don’t care” ==> Simply put, this means “I care about this subject more than you can imagine. I already know what I expect and it is your job to figure it out. If you get it wrong, your life will become a living hell.”
  • “I love you”==> Means “You’re so gullible.”
  • “Do you love me?” ==> “Am I getting fat?”
  • “Am I getting fat?” ==> means “Do you still love me?” (Whatever you do – DON’T answer – it’s a trick question. If you say “Yes,” she thinks you called her fat, if you say “No,” she’ll think you don’t love her!)
  • “Thank you” ==> This is the least used of all words in the female vocabulary. It can have many meanings, from “I am right – you are wrong” to “This is a rare occasion in which I don’t know what to say.” If a woman says “thank you,” do not question it, just say “you’re welcome” and slowly back out of the room.
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That Poor Cat

dinner

Uncle Ezra had a cat that had been on the farm for all his life. He was a great ‘mouser’, and would kill the rats that tried to get in Uncle Ezra’s feed corn.

   This one week, however, the cat was in no mood to chase the rats. He just laid around, licking his belly ever so often. He wouldn’t move, and he didn’t look well. Uncle Ezra got worried and called the vet.

   Uncle Ezra described what was happening, and the vet told him it sounded like simple constipation. The vet had rounds to make, but said if Ezra would give the cat a cup-and-a-half of Castor oil, he would stop by and check on the animal on his way home.

  That evening, the veterinarian stopped by Ezra’s. “How’s your calf doing?” he asked. “Calf?” asked Uncle Ezra. “It wasn’t a calf that was sick – it was my cat.”

   “You didn’t give the cat a cup-and-a-half of Castor oil, did you?” “Why, yes, I did,” said Uncle Ezra, “I thought that was what you wanted me to do.” “Oh, my! Where is the poor little creature?” the vet asked.

  Uncle Ezra said, “Well, last time I seen him, he was headed out across the back field with three other cats. One was digging holes, one was covering them up, and I believe the third was scouting for new territory.”

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The “Best” Service

A Soldier, a Sailor, an Airman and a Marine continually argued about which of the four American Armed Service was “the Best.” The soldier said, “There is no victory unless the ground troops overcome the enemy in their own territory.” The airman added, “But how are you going to get there without the air transportation? That’s why we broke away from the Army Air Corps, you couldn’t handle it.” “You’re not the only game in town, airman,” the sailor chimed in, “the Navy can deliver!”. “Yeah, three weeks later on your fastest boat,” said the marine. “The conflict will be over by then.” chirped the soldier. “Well, we really don’t need you ground-pounders.” the marine said. “The Corps can conduct ground operations as well – You know we’re a department of the Navy… The ‘Men’s Department’.

   And so the debates continued and there was heated discussion, and the impasse lasted throughout their entire careers, until they each eventually passed away. Together, they found themselves standing at the Pearly Gates of Heaven in front of St. Peter.

   “St Peter, they asked. “We have fought over this single question our entire lives. Can you tell us, which branch of the American Armed Forces is the best?”

St. Peter replies: “I can’t answer that. But, we can ask God about it.” Suddenly, a sparkling white dove lands on St. Peter’s shoulder. In the dove’s beak is a note glistening with gold dust. St Peter opens the note, trumpets blare, gold dust drifts into the air, harps play crescendos and St Peter begins to read it aloud to the four veterans:


MEMORANDUM TO SOLDIERS, SAILORS, MARINES, AND AIRMEN

SUBJECT: Which Military Service Is The Best?

1. Gentlemen, All the Branches of the Armed Services are ‘Honorable and Noble.’ Each of you have a dedicated place in the defense and service of your country. Each of you has served your country well and with distinction.

2. Being a member of the American Armed Forces represents a special calling. Not just anyone is suited to serve. It requires a special sacrifice, a dedication, and commitment to the warrior spirit and an ability to value the lives of your fellow countrymen above your own. These are characteristics that warrant special respect, tribute, and memorial. So, each of you should be proud of the service that you gave to your country and comrades, regardless of the branch of the military in which you served.

Very Respectfully,

  GOD
United States Air Force (Retired)

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Top Ten List – dating my daughter

My daughter may be a grown up, mature woman to you, but to me, even if she’s over 30, she will still be my little girl.

Rule #1: Picking her up
If you pull into my driveway and honk, you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.

Rule #2: Proper attire
   I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they fall off their hips. I want to be fair and open-minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may date my daughter with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, however, in order to ensure that your pants do not “fall off” during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place. ‘Hot pants’, ‘short-shorts’ and ‘topless’ are never acceptable… on either of you.

Rule #3: The Wait
As you sit in my front room, waiting for my daughter to appear, and an hour has passed, do not sigh and fidget or roll your eyes at me. If you want to be on time for a movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup and fixing her hair, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just sitting there, why don’t you do something useful, like change the oil in my car or clean my toilets?

Rule #4: Topics of discussion
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need to hear from you on this subject is: ‘early.’

Rule #5: Lies, drinking, foul language, drugs
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be dim-witted, but on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless master of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

  • If you are planning on drinking alcohol – don’t.
  • If you plan on using foul language – don’t.
  • If you plan to use drugs – don’t.

If you plan on lying to me about any of the preceding topics – don’t. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and several acres of woodland. Do not lie to me.

Rule #6: Where you may and may not go
The following places are considered appropriate for a date with my daughter:

  • Shoney’s
  • Pizza Hut
  • Taco Bell
  • McDonald’s

– I realize that Denny’s is open 24 hours a day. Eating there between 8:30 a.m. and 10:30 p.m. is OK. Eating there between 10:30 p.m. and 8:30 the next morning is not.

– Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided. Movies that feature chain saws are OK. Disney movies are even better.

The following places are considered inappropriate for a date with my daughter:

  • Places where there are beds
  • places where there are sofas
  • places with anything softer than a wooden stool
  • Places where there is darkness
  • Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or hugging going on
  • Places where the temperature is warm enough to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts

School functions are okay, church is better, Retirement Homes are even better.

Rule #7: Eye and hand contact
   Do not stare at, or touch my daughter inappropriately. You may glance at her, and admire her dress, but you do not stare anywhere below her neck. You may look at her face. You may look in her eyes. But remember, her eyes are not anywhere near her necklace, so you should not be spending a lot of time looking there. Do not touch her ANYWHERE below the neckline either. If you cannot keep your hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them for you.

Rule #8: Sex
   There will not be any.

Rule #9: Your physical well-being
   I was in the military. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a ‘chopper coming in over Mogadishu. When my Battlefield Post-Traumatic Stress starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean and load my guns. For your own well-being, as soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Announce in a loud, clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car and depart – there is no need for you to come inside. I will be awake.

Rule #10: Termination of the relationship
   I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. As long as my daughter understands this, it is fine with me. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date her, and no one else but her, until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

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Top Ten List

In the Navy

suppose you’re a retired or separated sailor and you’re reminiscing about your days on the boat at sea, or it could be that you’re a Reserve Officer Training Corps (ROTC) cadet, accepting a commission to the United States Navy, and wondering what the next four to six years of your life will be like. Or you could just be a Navy wanna-be and want to answer a question that’s been burning in your mind: Could I hack it in the Navy?

Read on, because here are the TOP TEN things you need to do to simulate a life in the Navy:

#10. HOUSING: Buy a dumpster, paint it grey and fill the bottom with six inches of liquid sewage. Bilge pump the liquid sludge back out and mop up the remainder, then repaint the floor terra-cotta. Live in the dumpster for six months with all the people from High School you said you wouldn’t be caught dead with after graduation.

#9. HOME MAINTENANCE: Re-run all the electrical and plumbing from behind the walls to the outside of the walls were you can see them to paint them. Label all the pipes and conduits so you can easily identify what you hit your head against for the accident report.

#8. SPECIALTY MAINTENANCE: At least weekly, completely disassemble and inspect your lawn mower. Discard one piece or part and reassemble the mower to working condition.

#7. EARLY MORNING ASSEMBLY: Have your wife (or husband) write down everything they want you to accomplish that day, and what you’re going to wear while doing it. Then get up at 5:00 a.m. and stand at attention in the backyard while your spouse reads the list to you.

#6. DAILY PRIVILEGES: Allow your 5-year-old cousin to cut your hair with a rusty pair of goat shears. Raise your bed to within 12 inches of the ceiling. Have your neighbor collect your all mail, randomly discarding every 5th piece, and then deliver it all to you on the last day of the month. Purchase TV dinners for every night, but don’t cook them, just thaw them out and eat them.

#5.FASHION: Have your mommy sew a name tag with your name on it to the back of your pants, and sew back pockets on the front.

#4. WORK: Set your alarm clock to go off at some random time in the middle of the night. Jump out of bed, get dressed as fast as you can, making sure to button the top button, tuck in your shirt, and tuck your pant legs in your socks. Shut off the main circuit breaker. Walk through your house with a flashlight, a clipboard and a pencil and make a note of the date, the time, the water level in the toilet tanks, the temperature inside the refrigerator, and the oil level in your car. Run outside and uncoil the garden hose. Call a neighbor from your cell phone and when he answers, say “All Secure, Sir.”

#3. SUPPLIES: Purchase 50 cases of toilet paper, lock up all but two rolls, and ensure that one of those two rolls remains wet at all times.

#2. SAFETY: Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills on all your door frames in your house so that you either trip or bang your head every time you move form room to room. To prevent tripping and banging your head, paint all the door frames with glow-in-the-dark paint. Because glow-in-the-dark paint is radioactive, place human bio-hazard stickers on all the door frames you painted with glow-in-the-dark-paint. Put a red bulb in every light fixture that is near a door that leads outside.

And the #1 simulation for life in the Navy: Yell, “Attention on deck every time your wife enters the room.”

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