Tag: animals

Thank You for the Dog

   Now, I’m not an Animal Hater. But I’m no Animal Lover, either. I guess you could say I’m “animal apathetic.” That is to say, I am not really concerned about or involved in the lives of critters. Don’t get me wrong, I believe there is a place for all animals in this world — and it’s right next to the mashed potatoes.


When my kids were in elementary school, my wife mentioned how she had a dog when she was young, and how much she enjoyed the dog. I knew what was coming next…. So, being the scientific-minded person that I am, I quickly threw together two lists. One list was the benefits of having a dog. The other list was the burdens of having a dog.

On the POSITIVES side:

  • The kids would like to have a dog
  • A dog could protect our home

Now for the NEGATIVES:

  • dog food costs money
  • someone has to feed the dog
  • someone has to walk the dog
  • someone has to bathe the dog
  • someone has to pick up poop
  • someone has to let the dog in and out
  • I would be that someone
  • dogs chew up stuff
  • dogs throw up stuff
  • dogs fart
  • dogs require a fenced area
  • fences cost money
  • dogs bark
  • dogs bark all day
  • dogs bark all night
  • dogs bark and fart all day and night
  • dogs pee
  • dogs pee on the floor
  • dogs pee on your sofa
  • dogs pee on your carpet
  • dogs pee in your bed
  • dog pee stinks
  • dogs dig holes
  • dogs dig lots of holes
  • dogs dig holes where I have to mow
  • dogs poop where I have to mow
  • dogs poop where I don’t mow
  • dog poop stinks

and the list goes on…

  • it’s hard to take a dog on vacation
  • dogs are not welcome everywhere
  • you have to arrange for care if you don’t take your dogs with you
  • dog care costs money
  • no one really wants to watch your dog for you
  • dogs don’t help with the mortgage

…So, a few weeks later, my wife comes home from a visit to her mom and dad’s, and guess what she’s hauling? – A living, breathing, eating, farting, pooping, stinking dog. This dog did everything on my “NEGATIVES” list from the minute his feet hit the ground. He dug holes, tore up the yard, chewed the posts off our deck, tore a hole in the siding, tore the casing off the back door, and constantly jumped the fence to terrorize the neighborhood. Now, he wasn’t a mean dog; he was just a puppy doing the things that 80-pound puppies do. He was also a two-foot-tall puppy, all muscle and over-excitement. He jumped on our neighbor with muddy paws, ruining her Sunday dress. Later, he scratched a neighbor’s child while ‘playing.’ After that, I convinced my wife to give him away.

  Several years later, my father-in-law, Clifford, was over for dinner, and the subject of dogs came up. I recalled our time with that dog and that Clifford was the one who gave him to us.

“Cliff, I never thanked you for the dog you gave us, did I?” I asked.

“No, I don’t believe you ever did,” he replied.

“… and I never will.” I told him.

border

I’m Sorry, Wilbur is Dead

When my daughter was young, she had a pet hamster. She named him Wilbur. She would set Wilbur beside her while she watched cartoons on TV and play with him during the commercials. That is, if he didn’t sneak off while she wasn’t paying attention to him.

Now, hamsters are not known for their longevity. One day Rachael brought Wilbur to me and said something was wrong with him. He was stiff, cold and not breathing. Honey, I’m afraid Wilbur is dead.”

“No, he isn’t!” she protested.

“I’m pretty sure he is.” I replied.

“No, we have to take him to the doctor, she cried.

So we took him to a veterinarian.

The vet broke the news to Rachael. “Rachael, Your father is correct. It was Wilbur’s time to go, and he is no longer with us.” Then he said to me, “That’ll be $10 for the visit.”

Amid Rachael’s sobbing and disbelief, I asked, “You’re absolutely sure he’s gone?”

“Well, just a minute,” he said, and brought in a calico tabby. The cat licked Wilbur from head to toe, then lowered her head and gave a soft, “meow.” The vet then brought in a Golden Retriever. The dog sniffed Wilbur, then lowered his head and gave a soft, “woof.” “That’s conclusive, said the vet. “He’s definitely dead,” and added, “that will be $250 for the visit.”

“Now wait a minute,” I said, “It was only a $10 visit a minute ago.”

“Well, yes,” said the vet. “That was before you requested a cat scan and the lab test.”

border

Hot Dog

The Dalmation, an icon of every American small-town Fire Engine Company

When my daughter, Rachael was in elementary school, her class took a field trip to the local fire station to learn about how firemen protect the lives and property of our people. Arriving at the station house, they saw a huge red pumper engine with its shining chrome hardware filling the engine bay. But the children’s attention was diverted away from the huge fire engine by a different firehouse attraction: the company’s fire dog.

History tells us that the iconic Dalmatian fire dog dates back to the 1800’s. Dogs and horses are very compatible animals, so the dogs were easily trained to run in front of the engines to help clear a path and guide the horses and the firefighters to the fires quickly. They are still chosen by many fire fighters as pets in honor of their heroic service in the past.

This particular fire company had a mascot that all the children clamored to see and pet. Eventually, they began discussing the purpose of the firehouse dog.

The first little boy said, “The dog is there to brin the firemen good luck.” The second boy said, “No, the dog is there to keep the people away from the fire while the firemen put out the fire.”  Then a little girl chimed in, “You’re both wrong.  It’s the dog’s job to find the fire hydrant!”

border

Theodore goes Hunting

Justin Wilson, Cajun cook, storyteller and comedian. 1914-2004

 [Note: I don’t know for sure, but I attribute this story to Justin Wilson.]

Back in the swamp lands of Southern Louisiana, Theodore Tibedaux had some city folk to come visit him. While they were visiting, they wanted to experience some true bayou life, so they asked Theodore if he would take them to try some alligator hunting. Theodore was obliging, so Theodore and the two men loaded up their rifles in his pickup truck and headed out under the Spanish Moss down an unpaved road back into the darkest part of the Bayou.

  Theodore told the fellows, “Naw ah have to make a stop ‘a the Broussard place an’ let ’em know we’ll be ‘ta roamin’ they property.” Theodore stopped the truck near where some cattle were grazing and walked up to the Broussard cottage.

“ ‘Lo, Amos!” Theodore called.

“ ‘Lo, Theo,” Amos replied. “What you about these parts for?”

Theodore told him, “Ah got some city folk visitin’ and they wan’ try they hands at a ‘gator huntin’. So’s I tol’ ’em we’d try out yore way, but ‘figured I’d stop first t’ ast ya. Ya’ll doin’ well, I presume?” asked Theo.

“No da bess o’ days I e’rd seed.” said Amos.

“Whaz goin’ on?” asked Theo.

“Well, my old kine Abigale is ill, and Doc say she’s too ol’ to recover. I hate to see her suffer. She needs be put down, but I ain’t got da heart. It tears me up sumpin’ fierce.”

“Amos, if’n id do ya, I got da rifle in the truck wi’ me. I’ll jus’ take care o’dat fo ya, then me and them boyz’ll be on ar way.”

” ‘Preciate you’d do at for me, Theo. Yo’re a good man.” said Amos.

   As Theodore walked back to the truck, he spotted the old cow, Abigale, and decided to have some fun with the city folk.

“Dang that Amos Broussard!” Theodore hollered. “He makes me madder ‘an a wet hornet.”

“What happened?” the men asked.

“He said he’s tired o’ people tramplin’ up his property, cuttin’ his fences, an’ leavin’ they trash behind, and said he won’t let us hunt his land. Now, we been frien’s near twenee-six yar, I ‘tol him. I hain’t never did you no ways wrong, but he said he didn’ care. Wasn’ no way he’s lettin’ some city folk come cross his lan’ an take a ‘gator – fren of a fren or no.”

“Well, what are we going to do?” the city boys asked.

“I’ll show him friendship!” and Theodore grabbed his hunting rifle, walked over to Abigale, and *BLAM* shot her in the head.

He waited a moment for the city boys reaction.

Then, from behind, he heard two more shots: *BLAM – BLAM*. Theodore turned around to see one of his guests putting his rifle back in the truck. “Come on, Theodore! I just shot two more of his cows… now let’s get out of here.”

border

Adoption

A young couple was wanting to adopt a child, so they went to an adoption agency. The social worker started the interview with a basic question, “What do you do for a living?”

Life as a circus performer has its unique challenges.

The husband replied, “We are circus performers. I work with the large animals and my wife does acrobatics.” “I see,” said the social worker. Then after a delayed pause she began to express her concerns. “I’m not so sure that a life in the circus is a suitable environment for a young child. Lions, tigers and elephants can become aggressive and can pose serious threats to a small child. Additionally, the constant travel and transient nature doesn’t allow a child to ‘put down roots’ that are so vital to developing stability as an adult.”

“Well, I have to disagree,” said the husband. ” Our animals are tame and very gentle, and I go to great lengths working with them. I think their is no better way for a child to learn about animals and their nature than to live right among them and observe them daily.” The wife chimed in, “And as far as the constant travel, we own a 55-foot luxury travel coach with a custom-built nursery. And I’ve hired a great nanny to tutor the child in reading, writing and arithmetic as well as a instruct them in music and a foreign language.” “And as for civics and history, there’s no better education than seeing and experiencing America’s historic sites first-hand,” added her husband.

“Well, I admit you make a compelling argument for your unconventional lifestyle, and we have several children in need of adoption. So, what age child are you wanting to consider?” the social worker asked. “It really doesn’t matter,” said the man, “as long as they fit in the cannon.”

border