Tag: Navy

The “Best” Service

A Soldier, a Sailor, an Airman and a Marine continually argued about which of the four American Armed Service was “the Best.” The soldier said, “There is no victory unless the ground troops overcome the enemy in their own territory.” The airman added, “But how are you going to get there without the air transportation? That’s why we broke away from the Army Air Corps, you couldn’t handle it.” “You’re not the only game in town, airman,” the sailor chimed in, “the Navy can deliver!”. “Yeah, three weeks later on your fastest boat,” said the marine. “The conflict will be over by then.” chirped the soldier. “Well, we really don’t need you ground-pounders.” the marine said. “The Corps can conduct ground operations as well – You know we’re a department of the Navy… The ‘Men’s Department’.

   And so the debates continued and there was heated discussion, and the impasse lasted throughout their entire careers, until they each eventually passed away. Together, they found themselves standing at the Pearly Gates of Heaven in front of St. Peter.

   “St Peter, they asked. “We have fought over this single question our entire lives. Can you tell us, which branch of the American Armed Forces is the best?”

St. Peter replies: “I can’t answer that. But, we can ask God about it.” Suddenly, a sparkling white dove lands on St. Peter’s shoulder. In the dove’s beak is a note glistening with gold dust. St Peter opens the note, trumpets blare, gold dust drifts into the air, harps play crescendos and St Peter begins to read it aloud to the four veterans:


MEMORANDUM TO SOLDIERS, SAILORS, MARINES, AND AIRMEN

SUBJECT: Which Military Service Is The Best?

1. Gentlemen, All the Branches of the Armed Services are ‘Honorable and Noble.’ Each of you have a dedicated place in the defense and service of your country. Each of you has served your country well and with distinction.

2. Being a member of the American Armed Forces represents a special calling. Not just anyone is suited to serve. It requires a special sacrifice, a dedication, and commitment to the warrior spirit and an ability to value the lives of your fellow countrymen above your own. These are characteristics that warrant special respect, tribute, and memorial. So, each of you should be proud of the service that you gave to your country and comrades, regardless of the branch of the military in which you served.

Very Respectfully,

  GOD
United States Air Force (Retired)

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Top Ten List

In the Navy

suppose you’re a retired or separated sailor and you’re reminiscing about your days on the boat at sea, or it could be that you’re a Reserve Officer Training Corps (ROTC) cadet, accepting a commission to the United States Navy, and wondering what the next four to six years of your life will be like. Or you could just be a Navy wanna-be and want to answer a question that’s been burning in your mind: Could I hack it in the Navy?

Read on, because here are the TOP TEN things you need to do to simulate a life in the Navy:

#10. HOUSING: Buy a dumpster, paint it grey and fill the bottom with six inches of liquid sewage. Bilge pump the liquid sludge back out and mop up the remainder, then repaint the floor terra-cotta. Live in the dumpster for six months with all the people from High School you said you wouldn’t be caught dead with after graduation.

#9. HOME MAINTENANCE: Re-run all the electrical and plumbing from behind the walls to the outside of the walls were you can see them to paint them. Label all the pipes and conduits so you can easily identify what you hit your head against for the accident report.

#8. SPECIALTY MAINTENANCE: At least weekly, completely disassemble and inspect your lawn mower. Discard one piece or part and reassemble the mower to working condition.

#7. EARLY MORNING ASSEMBLY: Have your wife (or husband) write down everything they want you to accomplish that day, and what you’re going to wear while doing it. Then get up at 5:00 a.m. and stand at attention in the backyard while your spouse reads the list to you.

#6. DAILY PRIVILEGES: Allow your 5-year-old cousin to cut your hair with a rusty pair of goat shears. Raise your bed to within 12 inches of the ceiling. Have your neighbor collect your all mail, randomly discarding every 5th piece, and then deliver it all to you on the last day of the month. Purchase TV dinners for every night, but don’t cook them, just thaw them out and eat them.

#5.FASHION: Have your mommy sew a name tag with your name on it to the back of your pants, and sew back pockets on the front.

#4. WORK: Set your alarm clock to go off at some random time in the middle of the night. Jump out of bed, get dressed as fast as you can, making sure to button the top button, tuck in your shirt, and tuck your pant legs in your socks. Shut off the main circuit breaker. Walk through your house with a flashlight, a clipboard and a pencil and make a note of the date, the time, the water level in the toilet tanks, the temperature inside the refrigerator, and the oil level in your car. Run outside and uncoil the garden hose. Call a neighbor from your cell phone and when he answers, say “All Secure, Sir.”

#3. SUPPLIES: Purchase 50 cases of toilet paper, lock up all but two rolls, and ensure that one of those two rolls remains wet at all times.

#2. SAFETY: Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills on all your door frames in your house so that you either trip or bang your head every time you move form room to room. To prevent tripping and banging your head, paint all the door frames with glow-in-the-dark paint. Because glow-in-the-dark paint is radioactive, place human bio-hazard stickers on all the door frames you painted with glow-in-the-dark-paint. Put a red bulb in every light fixture that is near a door that leads outside.

And the #1 simulation for life in the Navy: Yell, “Attention on deck every time your wife enters the room.”

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Air Force’s First Aircraft Carrier

After a long, drawn out Congressional funding battle with the Navy, the Air Force takes delivery of it’s first aircraft carrier.

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Service Hardship

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Rules of Combat (and life)

Rules about self

  • You are NOT Superman.
  • Ambition, attitude, and brains – two are required to be successful.
  • Anything you do leaves you vulnerable – including doing nothing.
  • Try to look unimportant, the enemy may be low on ammunition.
  • Don’t look conspicuous, it draws enemy fire.
  • Don’t draw enemy fire, it makes you quite unpopular with your unit.
  • Bravery is being the only one who knows you’re afraid.
  • Never share your foxhole with someone braver than you.

Rules about weapons

  • Remember your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
  • Always aim towards the Enemy.
  • If in doubt, empty your magazine.
  • You have three seconds when lighting a five-second fuse.
  • When the pin is pulled, the grenade is not your friend.

Rules about logistics:

  • Things that must be together to work, can’t be shipped together.
  • Batteries fail when there’s no other power source available.
  • Radios fail when you desperately need fires support.
  • Flashlights are tubular metal containers for storing dead batteries.
  • The only time you can have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.
  • If something hasn’t broken on your weapon, it’s about to.
  • If you are short on everything except enemy, you are in combat.

Rules about tactics

  • No plan survives initial contact intact.
  • If it sounds stupid – but it works, it’s not stupid.
  • If your attack is going well, you are walking into an ambush.
  • It is generally inadvisable to eject into the area you just bombed.
  • Any ship can be a minesweeper… once.
  • If you see a bomb technician running, follow him.
  • If one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you still have enough power to make it to the scene of the crash.
  • Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your situation to a person on the ground incapable of doing anything about it.

Rules about fires

  • The only thing more lethal than incoming fire, is incoming friendly fire.
  • Incoming fire has the right-of-way.
  • Tracer fire works both ways.
  • Friendly fire isn’t.
  • If the enemy is in range, so are you.

rules about strategy

  • Professional soldiers are predictable – but the world is full of amateurs.
  • If you are forward of your intended position, artillery will fall short.
  • The diversion you are ignoring is really the main attack.
  • The important things are always simple – the simple things are hard
  • The easy path is mined.
  • When both sides are convinced they are about to lose, they’re both right.
  • If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will have more than your fair share of objectives to take.

Finally:

  • Once you win the battle, don’t forget to tell the enemy
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The USS Abraham Lincoln

The USS Abraham Lincoln with an escort

This dialogue is based on an actual radio conversation between a U.S. Navy aircraft carrier (U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln) and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.

Canadians: “Calling U.S. Aircraft carrier. Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.”

Americans: “This is the Captain of the USS Abraham Lincoln. Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.”

Canadians: “Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.”

Americans: “This is the aircraft carrier USS Abraham Lincoln. I say again, you will have to divert YOUR course.”

Canadians: “No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.”

Americans: “THIS IS THE AMERICAN AIRCRAFT CARRIER the USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES’ ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH–I SAY AGAIN, THAT’S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH–OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP AND ITS CREW.”

Canadians: “This is a Canadian lighthouse. Your call.”

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