A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible. After careful
thought and consideration, he presented “The Bible” – as seen through the eyes
of a child:
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God,
darkness, some dinosaurs, and some gas. The Bible says, ‘The Lord thy God is
one,’ but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, ‘Give me
a light!’ and someone did. Then God made the world.
God split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren’t
embarrassed because mirrors hadn’t been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed
God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not
sure what they were driven in though, because they didn’t have cars.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.
Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived
to be like a million-and-something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of
his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some
animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would
have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his
brother, Esau. Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast.
Then Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston.
Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after
God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh’s people. These plagues included frogs, mice,
lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti.
Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don’t lie, cheat,
smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor’s stuff. Oh, yeah, I just thought of one
more: Humor thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses’ best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use
spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.
After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot.
He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My
teacher says he was wise, but that doesn’t sound very wise to me. After Solomon
there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was
swallowed by a big whale and then barfed out upon the shore. There were also
some minor league prophets, but I guess we don’t have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of the New
Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. I wish I had been born in a
barn, too, because my mom is always saying to me, ‘Close the door! Were you
born in a barn?’ It would be nice to say, ‘As a matter of fact, I was.’
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees
and the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas
Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some
Germans on the Mount. But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial
before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn’t stick up for Jesus. He just washed his
Any way’s, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up
to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold
in the book of Revolution.
And that’s all I know about the Bible.