My wife went to the dentist the other day. He told her, “You need a crown.”
She replied, “I know, right?”
My wife went to the dentist the other day. He told her, “You need a crown.”
She replied, “I know, right?”
The later you are, the more excited your dog is to see you.
Dogs like it when you rub their head.
Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
A dog’s parents never come to visit.
A barking dog will shut up once you let them in the house.
You never have to wait on a dog; they’re ready to go 24 hours a day.
Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
A dog will not wake you up in the middle of the night to ask, ‘If I died, would you get another dog?’
If a dog smells another dog on you, they don’t get mad. They just think it’s interesting.
And last, but not least:
If a dog leaves you, it won’t take half of your stuff with it.
For a definitive test of why a dog is better than a wife, try putting your dog and your wife in the car trunk for an hour and see which one seems happier to see you when you open the trunk.
Then there’s this sinister reason: If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
Gloria was a widow on the make at the local nursing home. She was after just about every man in the place. “Frank,” she said. “Hmmmm,” he replied from his hiding place behind the newspaper. He was not really wanting to start a conversation with Gloria. Especially this conversation.
“Do I look old?” she asked. “Hmmmm,” he replied again.
“Well, I don’t feel old. My hair may be grey, my eyelids drooping, and the ‘girls’ are hanging farther South these days, but I think all in all, I look pretty good. What do you think?” she asked.
“No, you don’t look old.” he replied,
She continued to pester him for reassurance. “I just feel like I’m elderly and matronly. How old do you think I look?”
Finally, he put the newspaper down. “Gloria,” he said, “You have the body of a 24-year-old, the face of a 20-year-old, and the hair of an 18-year-old.”
“Thank you, Frank,” she said.
Frank said, “Now, let me finish… I haven’t added them up yet.”
Whenever I go with m wife to the mall, I always hold her hand. Thant’s because if I let go, she’ll buy something.
The other day, she was in a store and the woman in front of her started to write a check. The clerk told her, “I’m sorry ma’am, but we no longer accept checks. Too many women have written us checks but did not have the money in the bank to back it up. The woman said, oh I’ve got lots of money, see? I still have blank checks.”
My wife and I approach shopping differently. I go directly to hardware, determine which of the three varieties of crescent wrench I want, and proceed to check-out. I might buy a pack of gum at the register.
Like a butterfly in a flower garden, my wife will flutter from display rack to display rack, sometimes revisiting the same one two or three times. She is attracted to bright colors and things that reflect light. Before she leaves, she will stop by the clearance isle, wall hangings, and the shoe department, even if she’s done shopping. On the way out, she’ll pick up Static Guard, breath mints, Diet Coke and a candy bar at the register.
I will pay $2.oo for a $1.oo item that I really need. She will pay $1.oo for a $2.oo item that she doesn’t need, but it is on sale.
They say if you have more than one of the same type of anything, you’re a collector. My wife collects shoes, candles, scented plug ins, furniture and wall hangings.
I don’t think she enjoys having things near as much as she does purchasing things. I found out that she will buy something and ride around with it in the back of her car for months, never taking it out of the bag. That way, when I find it and ask her “Is this new?” she can say, “Oh no, I’ve had that for several months.”
Is a Laundromat really a good place to pick up a woman?
No, because a woman who can’t afford her own washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
How many men should it take to open a can of soda?
None. It should already be opened when she brings it.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It’s one of those “evolutionary things” that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something intelligent?
When she begins the sentence with “A man once told me…”
How do you fix a woman’s watch?
There’s no need to. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men have gas more often than women?
Because women can’t shut up long enough to build up pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who should you let in first?
The dog. He’ll shut up once you let him in.
Why do men typically die before their wives?
Because they want to.
Many times, a woman will say something to a man, and the man will take it on it’s surface . This can lead to problems, especially when what the woman says does not truely convey what she’s feeling. This lexicon of women’s words will alert men to words that women use that have a double meaning – and hopefully, keep them out of trouble.
The following information was prepared to alert younger men to dangerous questions that they may inadvertently ask their wives or girlfriends; questions that on the surface have no consequence – but can prove seriously disastrous to a relationship if not worded skillfully.
DANGEROUS: You’re not wearing that are you?
SAFER: Is that what you’re wearing?
SAFEST: Are you ready to knock ’em dead?
DANGEROUS: What are you so pissed off about?
SAFER: Could we take a minute to calm down?
SAFEST: Here’s fifty dollars, where do you want to go shopping?
DANGEROUS: Are you ready to admit you were wrong?
SAFER: Is’nt this the first time you’ve ever been wrong?
SAFEST: Are you ready for me to apologize?
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know we have some fresh apples?
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine to go with that?
DANGEROUS: What’s for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
And my personal favorite…..
DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: You didn’t over-do it today, did you?
SAFEST: How long have you had that comfortable-looking robe?
In many ways, it’s obvious that men and women are different. But there are subtle differences as well. For instance, women sit and walk with their elbows tucked in, men sit and walk with elbows out.
If you ask a woman to ‘look at her nails,’ she will hold her hand with the back-side up; fingers pointed straight out to see how her nails look compared to each other, and in the overall presentation of hands, fingernails, rings, and bracelets. When you ask a man to ‘look at his nails,’ he will hold his hand palm-up, curling the fingers back to examine the length, cleanliness, and evenness of the nails. When it comes to many subjects, men and women simply have different points of view:
A married man should forget all the mistakes he has made in his life. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing!
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