My wife went to the dentist the other day. He told her, “You need a crown.”
She replied, “I know, right?”
Category: Man vs. Woman
Ten reasons a dog is better than a wife:
The later you are, the more excited your dog is to see you.
Dogs like it when you rub their head.
Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
A dog’s parents never come to visit.
A barking dog will shut up once you let them in the house.
You never have to wait on a dog; they’re ready to go 24 hours a day.
Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
A dog will not wake you up in the middle of the night to ask, ‘If I died, would you get another dog?’
If a dog smells another dog on you, they don’t get mad. They just think it’s interesting.
And last, but not least:
If a dog leaves you, it won’t take half of your stuff with it.
For a definitive test of why a dog is better than a wife, try putting your dog and your wife in the car trunk for an hour and see which one seems happier to see you when you open the trunk.
Then there’s this sinister reason: If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
Gloria was a widow on the make at the local nursing home. She was after just about every man in the place. “Frank,” she said. “Hmmmm,” he replied from his hiding place behind the newspaper. He was not really wanting to start a conversation with Gloria. Especially this conversation.
“Do I look old?” she asked. “Hmmmm,” he replied again.
“Well, I don’t feel old. My hair may be grey, my eyelids drooping, and the ‘girls’ are hanging farther South these days, but I think all in all, I look pretty good. What do you think?” she asked.
“No, you don’t look old.” he replied,
She continued to pester him for reassurance. “I just feel like I’m elderly and matronly. How old do you think I look?”
Finally, he put the newspaper down. “Gloria,” he said, “You have the body of a 24-year-old, the face of a 20-year-old, and the hair of an 18-year-old.”
“Thank you, Frank,” she said.
Frank said, “Now, let me finish… I haven’t added them up yet.”
Whenever I go with m wife to the mall, I always hold her hand. Thant’s because if I let go, she’ll buy something.
The other day, she was in a store and the woman in front of her started to write a check. The clerk told her, “I’m sorry ma’am, but we no longer accept checks. Too many women have written us checks but did not have the money in the bank to back it up. The woman said, oh I’ve got lots of money, see? I still have blank checks.”
My wife and I approach shopping differently. I go directly to hardware, determine which of the three varieties of crescent wrench I want, and proceed to check-out. I might buy a pack of gum at the register.
Like a butterfly in a flower garden, my wife will flutter from display rack to display rack, sometimes revisiting the same one two or three times. She is attracted to bright colors and things that reflect light. Before she leaves, she will stop by the clearance isle, wall hangings, and the shoe department, even if she’s done shopping. On the way out, she’ll pick up Static Guard, breath mints, Diet Coke and a candy bar at the register.
I will pay $2.oo for a $1.oo item that I really need. She will pay $1.oo for a $2.oo item that she doesn’t need, but it is on sale.
They say if you have more than one of the same type of anything, you’re a collector. My wife collects shoes, candles, scented plug ins, furniture and wall hangings.
I don’t think she enjoys having things near as much as she does purchasing things. I found out that she will buy something and ride around with it in the back of her car for months, never taking it out of the bag. That way, when I find it and ask her “Is this new?” she can say, “Oh no, I’ve had that for several months.”
Questions About Women:
Is a Laundromat really a good place to pick up a woman?
No, because a woman who can’t afford her own washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
How many men should it take to open a can of soda?
None. It should already be opened when she brings it.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It’s one of those “evolutionary things” that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something intelligent?
When she begins the sentence with “A man once told me…”
How do you fix a woman’s watch?
There’s no need to. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men have gas more often than women?
Because women can’t shut up long enough to build up pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who should you let in first?
The dog. He’ll shut up once you let him in.
Why do men typically die before their wives?
Because they want to.
Many times, a woman will say something to a man, and the man will take it on it’s surface . This can lead to problems, especially when what the woman says does not truely convey what she’s feeling. This lexicon of women’s words will alert men to words that women use that have a double meaning – and hopefully, keep them out of trouble.
The Word ==> the meaning:
- “Fine” ==> This single word has a trilogy of meaning:
- This discussion is over
- I am right, you are wrong, and
- you need to shut up now.
- “Nothing” ==> This word is the warning before the storm. It actually means “something” and you should be on your toes. Heated arguments that begin with “Nothing” usually end in “Fine.”
- “Five Minutes” ==> This word must be taken in context.
- If she is getting dressed, it means half-an-hour
- If it is the amount of time she gives you to finish watching the football game before helping around the house, it means one-and-a-half minutes.
- “Go ahead”==> You must understand that this word is a dare, not a permission, Whatever it is… DON’T DO IT!
- A Loud (nonverbal) sigh ==> Although not actually a word, the ‘loud silent sigh’ is often misunderstood by men. A ‘loud silent sigh’ means “You are an idiot and I don’t know why I waste my time standing here and arguing with you over ‘Nothing’.”
- “That’s Okay” ==> One of the most dangerous statements that woman can make to a man is “That’s okay.” ‘That’s Okay’ really means “I want you to stop and really think long and hard before you do something stupid and I have to decide how to make you pay for your mistake.”
- “I don’t care” ==> Simply put, this means “I care about this subject more than you can imagine. I already know what I expect and it is your job to figure it out. If you get it wrong, your life will become a living hell.”
- “I love you”==> Means “You’re so gullible.”
- “Do you love me?” ==> “Am I getting fat?”
- “Am I getting fat?” ==> means “Do you still love me?” (Whatever you do – DON’T answer – it’s a trick question. If you say “Yes,” she thinks you called her fat, if you say “No,” she’ll think you don’t love her!)
- “Thank you” ==> This is the least used of all words in the female vocabulary. It can have many meanings, from “I am right – you are wrong” to “This is a rare occasion in which I don’t know what to say.” If a woman says “thank you,” do not question it, just say “you’re welcome” and slowly back out of the room.
Be careful what you ask a woman
The following information was prepared to alert younger men to dangerous questions that they may inadvertently ask their wives or girlfriends; questions that on the surface have no consequence – but can prove seriously disastrous to a relationship if not worded skillfully.
DANGEROUS: You’re not wearing that are you?
SAFER: Is that what you’re wearing?
SAFEST: Are you ready to knock ’em dead?
DANGEROUS: What are you so pissed off about?
SAFER: Could we take a minute to calm down?
SAFEST: Here’s fifty dollars, where do you want to go shopping?
DANGEROUS: Are you ready to admit you were wrong?
SAFER: Is’nt this the first time you’ve ever been wrong?
SAFEST: Are you ready for me to apologize?
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know we have some fresh apples?
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine to go with that?
DANGEROUS: What’s for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
And my personal favorite…..
DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: You didn’t over-do it today, did you?
SAFEST: How long have you had that comfortable-looking robe?
In many ways, it’s obvious that men and women are different. But there are subtle differences as well. For instance, women sit and walk with their elbows tucked in, men sit and walk with elbows out.
If you ask a woman to ‘look at her nails,’ she will hold her hand with the back-side up; fingers pointed straight out to see how her nails look compared to each other, and in the overall presentation of hands, fingernails, rings, and bracelets. When you ask a man to ‘look at his nails,’ he will hold his hand palm-up, curling the fingers back to examine the length, cleanliness, and evenness of the nails. When it comes to many subjects, men and women simply have different points of view:
Nicknames:
- If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other ‘Laura’, ‘Kate’ and ‘Sarah’.
- If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will refer to each other as ‘Fatz’, ‘Moe’ and ‘Dingle’.
Lunchtime:
- Neither Mike, Dave nor John really care where they eat lunch, as long as the food tastes good and comes in a man-sized portion.
- Laura doesn’t eat meat, although dairy and eggs are OK; she prefers a salad bar, and fried foods are definitely out. Kate will not eat ethnic foods nor seafood, and does not like dining in dimly-lit restaurants; she prefers to dine al fresco. Sarah doesn’t care as long as the napkins are cloth and she’s not seated near the traffic of the front door. It takes as long to choose a place as is does to eat.
- When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in a $20, even though the bill is only $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and no one will admit they want change back.
- Laura, Kate and Sarah each carry a pocket calculator and a purse full of pennies for just such occasions.
Shopping:
- John goes directly to hardware, determines which of the three varieties of crescent wrenches he needs, and proceeds to check-out. He may buy a pack of gum at the register.
- Like a butterfly in a flower garden, Kate will flutter from display rack to display rack, sometimes revisiting the same one two or three times. She is attracted to bright colors and things that reflect light. Before she leaves, she will stop by the clearance isle, wall hangings, and the shoe department, even if she’s done shopping. On the way out, she’ll pick up Static Guard, breath mints, Diet Coke and a candy bar at the register.
- Dave will pay $2.oo for a $1.oo item that he feels he needs.
- Sarah will pay $1.oo for a $2.oo item that she doesn’t need, but is on sale.
Clothing:
- If Sarah likes Laura’s blouse, she will not let on. If, on the other hand, the color is wrong for Laura’s skin type, or the fit gives Laura the silhouette of a cow, Sarah will rave over the blouse so as to not hurt her friend’s feelings. Secretly, she is hoping Laura will wear the hideous thing again the next time they’re out together. She’ll also compliment her ugly shoes.
- If Mike likes John’s shirt, he’ll say, “I like your shirt” to which John will reply “Thanks.” — End of conversation —
- If (God forbid) Laura and Kate wear the same dress to a party, one or both of them will slip into the restroom and remove their hem or cut the sleeves off, to differentiate themselves. Either way, Laura and Kate will hate each other for months.
- If Mike and Dave wear the same shirt to a party, they will hug and laugh, and take a ‘selfie’ to show everyone that they are really twins separated at birth.
Automobiles:
- A man describes a car by year, make, model, trim level, horsepower, torque, and top speed.
- A woman describes a car by color.
Vanity items:
- Dave has six items in his bathroom: 1) toothbrush, 2) toothpaste, 3) shaving cream, 4) razor, 5) a comb, and 6) cologne his wife bought him.
- Kate has a least 40 items in the bathroom that she can’t live without. This includes such things as blush brushes in four different firmnesses, an articulated eyelash curler, fingernail brushes, clippers and files, and both hair-curling and hair-straightening irons. A man would not be able to identify the remaining 20-30 items.
Cleaning up:
- A man will shave and dress up for weddings and funerals.
- A woman will dress up and apply makeup to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, or get the mail.
on ‘Natural’ beauty:
- A light beard and mussed hair make a man look ‘rugged’.
- A light beard and mussed hair make a woman look old.
verbal Arguments:
- A woman must have the last word in any argument.
- Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
Marriage:
- A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
- A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.
Children:
- A woman knows all about her children. She knows their bithdays, when their next dentist appointment is, their best friends, their love interests, their favorite foods, their secret fears, and their hopes and dreams.
- A man is aware of some short people living in the house and making noise.
The future:
- A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
- A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
Success:
- A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
- A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Closing thought:
A married man should forget all the mistakes he has made in his life. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing!
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