beetle63 – Page 5 – Beetle63's Treasury of Humor

Family Fruit Loops

I’m My Own Grandpa

A song by Ray Stevens

Many, many years ago
when I was twenty-three,
I got married to a widow,
she was pretty as could be.

She had a grown-up daughter
with flowing hair of red.
My father fell in love with her
and soon they too, were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law
and changed my very life.
Now my daughter is my mother,
’cause she is my father’s wife.

To complicate the matter worse
– although he brought me joy –
I soon became the father
of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became
a brother-in-law of Dad
and so became my uncle
though that’s not what was so bad:

For if he was my uncle,
then he also was a brother
to the widow’s grown-up daughter
who was also my step-mother.

Then Dad’s wife had a son
who kept them on the run.
He also was my grand-son
for he was my daughter’s son.

My wife is now my mother’s mom
and it still makes me blue,
because although she is my wife,
she is my grandma too.

Since my wife is my grandmother,
and I am her grandchild,
every time I think of it
it really is quite wild,

for now I have become
the strangest case you ever saw:
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa!

Low-Mileage Car

October 19, 2018 / beetle63 / 0 Comments

Alabama Driver’s Manual

October 18, 2018 / beetle63 / 0 Comments

A Word From Our Gov’ner:

Welcome to Alabama. Whether you are a new ten-year-old driver moving up from farm tractors to automobiles, or an eighty-year-old driver with two cataracts and a slow response time, this online Alabama Driving Guide will help you to understand and follow Alabama’s Traffic Safety Laws.

When driving in Alabama, it is important that you always drive in the most unconventional and unpredictable manner possible. Doing this keeps other drivers alert and reduces your chance of accidents. Remember, Alabama is the home of the Talladega Superspeedway, and just like our favorite NASCAR driver, the Legendary and fictitious superstar Ricky Bobby, the goal of every Alabama driver is to get to their end-point in the fastest manner possible, by whatever means are necessary.

Right-of-Way Rules:

If you remember nothing else from this handbook, at least remember this: As an Alabama driver, you have the right-of-way in all situations.

If anyone infringes on your right-of-way, honk your horn, curse loudly, and gesture with a single finger to let them know your displeasure.

Also, you may give up the right-of-way whenever it amuses you, or whenever you can’t remember the traffic laws. Obtaining eye contact with another driver automatically rescinds your right-of-way. It is also a good idea to yield the right-of-way to any vehicle that is bigger and has more steel than yours, especially if you feel like it will come out ahead in the event of an accident.

Pedestrians:
Pedestrians do not have the right-of-way. Pedestrians should not be in the cross-walk when the light changes. Pedestrians in crosswalks are considered fair game. A little time in the hospital will remind them that you, as the owner of an Alabama-licensed vehicle, always have the right-of-way. Warning!! if you make eye contact with a pedestrian, you give up your right-of-way.

Safe Traveling Distance:

Under no circumstances should you leave a distance greater than one-half car length between you and the car in front of you. “Share the Road” means leave plenty of space for cars to pull in behind you. If you leave too much space between you and the car in front of you, it will be filled by some other driver who will most likely be traveling slower than you are, putting you both in an even more dangerous situation.

Automotive Lighting

The primary purpose of headlights is to remind other drivers that you have the right-of-way. Do not use headlights when driving during daylight hours – it just wastes energy. Unless absolutely necessary, do not use your headlights in towns or cities during hours of darkness. That’s what street lights are for, and you pay for them with your taxes. Also, flashing your high beams at other drivers at night is far more effective when coming from an fast-traveling un-lit car.

In rural situations, headlights can be used to allow you to see the road ahead when it gets very dark. Modern cars and trucks do not come equipped with sufficient lighting for rural driving.

The state of Alabama strongly recommends you purchase a light bar with at least four high brightness krypton beams if you will be doing any rural driving. During hours of darkness, you may use parking lights and spotlights to see along back roads, into deer stands, and in residential neighborhoods.

Emergency Flashers

Turn on your emergency flashers whenever you:

drive in the rain
stop for a yard sale
haul hay
stop to count cattle in the field
tow a disabled pickup
drive slower than the speed limit
drive faster than the speed limit
want cars on the highway to get out of the left lane
are not sure if you want to turn right or left
back down an exit ramp
back up on the interstate

Signaling Your Intentions:

Turn signals give other drivers clues as to your next move. Alabama drivers should never use them.

Traffic Lights:

Alabama traffic lights have three colors: Tuscaloosa red, Auburn orange (some call it yellow), and green.

A red light means “stopping is permitted”. Right turns on red are permitted. If you are quick about it, a left turn on red is permitted. Straight through on red is sometimes permitted. A U-turn on red is permitted.

A yellow light indicates the light is going to turn red, and that you should speed up. Otherwise, a yellow light should be treated the same as a red light. Remember, the faster you drive through a yellow or red light, the smaller your chance of getting hit.

A green light simply lets you know that the red and yellow light are off, but the traffic light is still working. Never proceed through a green light without caution. Always look right and left and right and left again before proceeding, unless you have side impact airbags and good no-fault insurance.

Traffic Signs:

Traffic signs are purely for decoration of the roadside, they are like advertising; just ignore them. Alabama is installing new electronic traffic warning system signs along the interstates to make Alabama look high-tech and to distract your attention from the police car parked in the median. They are also decorative. Speed limit signs contain arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and usually not enforced except on vehicles with out-of-state tags.

Traffic Lanes:

Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane change is called “going with the flow”. Never pass on the left if there is good paved surface you can use to pass on the right. Don’t worry about people entering the highway; remember, as an Alabama driver, you have the right-of-way. Using the shoulder of the road, on-ramps, or off-ramps to pass are perfectly acceptable whenever freeway traffic drops below 50 mph.

Maneuvering Your Vehicle:

When making a turn, announce your intention to turn by looking straight ahead. If turning right, pull to the left side of the lane. If turning left, move your car slightly on to the right shoulder, but keep your left wheels squarely centered in the travel lane. If any vehicles impede your turn, honk at them and gesture wildly. Remember, as an Alabama driver, you have the right-of-way.

Safe Braking:

Modern vehicles are equipped with Anti-lock Braking Systems (ABS). Fortunately, very few cars in Alabama are modern vehicles. If you do happen to have a modern vehicle, ABS requires that you brake as hard and as late as possible, a technique called “stopping short”. Short-stopping insures your ABS system kicks in. What good is it to have the ABS system if you don’t use it? A side benefit to ABS is the nice, relaxing foot massage you receive as the brake pedal pulsates If you are in the 80% who drive clunkers without ABS, you should still practice stopping short. Sort-stopping is a opportunity to strengthen your leg muscles.

Learn to swerve abruptly. Alabama’s oyster-shell roads are a great place to learn high-speed slalom driving and drifting techniques thanks to their naturally slick surface, augmented by the infrequent rains and millions of Alabama cars that leak oil. Your tax money allows the Alabama Department of Transportation to maintain potholes in key locations to test your driver reflexes and keep you an alert driver.

Always slow down and rubberneck whenever you see an accident, someone changing a tire, a hitchhiker, or a vehicle out of gas. It is perfectly alright to come to complete stop in the middle of a street or highway to check an address, especially during rush-hour.

When you see an Alabama State Patrol car sitting in the median of an interstate, slow down immediately and you will not be stopped. For instance, if you are driving 20 mph over the speed limit in a 70-mph zone, slow down to 50 mph for the next two miles. The 20 mph difference between your speed and the speed limit offsets the 20 mph difference in the speed limit and your original velocity.

Passing:

Speed limits do not apply while passing.

Before passing a car, tailgate the car in front of you to signal to the driver that they are going too slow.

Announce your intention to pass by looking straight ahead, swerving into the left lane, and pressing the accelerator pedal to the floor. If there is not enough room to pass in the left lane, or you face oncoming traffic, do not abort your passing maneuver as you will confuse other drivers. Lane markings are purely decorative, and you should make the most efficient use of the entire paved surface during passing. Plan your passing move to overtake a slower vehicle at the next intersection, highway on-ramp, or off-ramp. Ramps, shoulders, medians and sidewalks allow you extra room for passing. A two-lane road with shoulders will easily fit three cars side-by-side; that’s why the shoulders are there. Use the left shoulder to continue your passing maneuver. Remember, when passing a slower vehicle, you have the right-of-way.

During the hours of darkness, set your headlights to high beam to convey your intention to pass, especially on blind curves.

Construction Zones:

Construction Zone signs are set up to tell you about road closures ahead. They are typically set up immediately after you pass the last available exit, but before the traffic begins to back up. A lane closure is just an experiment used by the Alabama Department of Transportation to see how many vehicles can fit in a minimum amount of space.

Adverse Weather Conditions:

Heavy snows, ice, fog, or rain is no reason to modify any of the previously listed rules. Should you approach a heavy snowdrift, icy roads, or flooded conditions, just remember, as an Alabama driver, you have the right-of-way. These weather conditions are mother nature’s way of keeping incompetent drivers off our roads. As a side benefit, it also contributes to a lower Alabama jobless rate for body shop workers, junk yard owners and new and used vehicle salesmen.

Driving Practice:

Female student drivers should practice putting on pantyhose and applying eye makeup at fifty-five miles per hour as well as in bumper-to-bumper traffic.

Going Green:

As a final word, Alabama is embracing the “Go Green” movement. Throw your litter out the window. Throwing litter on the roads adds visual variety to the landscape, keeps existing litter from getting lonely and gives Adopt-a-highway volunteers, the homeless, and Alabama State Prisoners something to do while building their self-esteem.

I hope you have found this document both informative and helpful in your pursuit of safe driving.

Men vs. Women

October 16, 2018 / beetle63 / 0 Comments

In many ways, it’s obvious that men and women are different. But there are subtle differences as well. For instance, women sit and walk with their elbows tucked in, men sit and walk with elbows out.

If you ask a woman to ‘look at her nails,’ she will hold her hand with the back-side up; fingers pointed straight out to see how her nails look compared to each other, and in the overall presentation of hands, fingernails, rings, and bracelets. When you ask a man to ‘look at his nails,’ he will hold his hand palm-up, curling the fingers back to examine the length, cleanliness, and evenness of the nails. When it comes to many subjects, men and women simply have different points of view:

Nicknames:

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other ‘Laura’, ‘Kate’ and ‘Sarah’.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will refer to each other as ‘Fatz’, ‘Moe’ and ‘Dingle’.

Lunchtime:

Neither Mike, Dave nor John really care where they eat lunch, as long as the food tastes good and comes in a man-sized portion.
Laura doesn’t eat meat, although dairy and eggs are OK; she prefers a salad bar, and fried foods are definitely out. Kate will not eat ethnic foods nor seafood, and does not like dining in dimly-lit restaurants; she prefers to dine al fresco. Sarah doesn’t care as long as the napkins are cloth and she’s not seated near the traffic of the front door. It takes as long to choose a place as is does to eat.
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in a $20, even though the bill is only $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and no one will admit they want change back.
Laura, Kate and Sarah each carry a pocket calculator and a purse full of pennies for just such occasions.

Shopping:

John goes directly to hardware, determines which of the three varieties of crescent wrenches he needs, and proceeds to check-out. He may buy a pack of gum at the register.
Like a butterfly in a flower garden, Kate will flutter from display rack to display rack, sometimes revisiting the same one two or three times. She is attracted to bright colors and things that reflect light. Before she leaves, she will stop by the clearance isle, wall hangings, and the shoe department, even if she’s done shopping. On the way out, she’ll pick up Static Guard, breath mints, Diet Coke and a candy bar at the register.
Dave will pay $2.oo for a $1.oo item that he feels he needs.
Sarah will pay $1.oo for a $2.oo item that she doesn’t need, but is on sale.

Clothing:

If Sarah likes Laura’s blouse, she will not let on. If, on the other hand, the color is wrong for Laura’s skin type, or the fit gives Laura the silhouette of a cow, Sarah will rave over the blouse so as to not hurt her friend’s feelings. Secretly, she is hoping Laura will wear the hideous thing again the next time they’re out together. She’ll also compliment her ugly shoes.
If Mike likes John’s shirt, he’ll say, “I like your shirt” to which John will reply “Thanks.” — End of conversation —
If (God forbid) Laura and Kate wear the same dress to a party, one or both of them will slip into the restroom and remove their hem or cut the sleeves off, to differentiate themselves. Either way, Laura and Kate will hate each other for months.
If Mike and Dave wear the same shirt to a party, they will hug and laugh, and take a ‘selfie’ to show everyone that they are really twins separated at birth.

Automobiles:

A man describes a car by year, make, model, trim level, horsepower, torque, and top speed.
A woman describes a car by color.

Vanity items:

Dave has six items in his bathroom: 1) toothbrush, 2) toothpaste, 3) shaving cream, 4) razor, 5) a comb, and 6) cologne his wife bought him.
Kate has a least 40 items in the bathroom that she can’t live without. This includes such things as blush brushes in four different firmnesses, an articulated eyelash curler, fingernail brushes, clippers and files, and both hair-curling and hair-straightening irons. A man would not be able to identify the remaining 20-30 items.

Cleaning up:

A man will shave and dress up for weddings and funerals.
A woman will dress up and apply makeup to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, or get the mail.

on ‘Natural’ beauty:

A light beard and mussed hair make a man look ‘rugged’.
A light beard and mussed hair make a woman look old.

verbal Arguments:

A woman must have the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Marriage:

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.

Children:

A woman knows all about her children. She knows their bithdays, when their next dentist appointment is, their best friends, their love interests, their favorite foods, their secret fears, and their hopes and dreams.
A man is aware of some short people living in the house and making noise.

The future:

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

Success:

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Closing thought:

A married man should forget all the mistakes he has made in his life. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing!

Uncle Ezra goes Hunting

October 15, 2018 / beetle63 / 0 Comments

Uncle Ezra and his friend, Roosevelt, decided to go try hunting one Saturday morning. Having never been before, they decided that their best chance for success would be to go as far away from civilization as they could. They drove their pickup for miles back into the woods, along the infrequently traveled Fire Tower Road. When they reached the fire tower, they parked and walked farther into the thickest, densest part of the woods, and sat down in a bramble thicket.

There they waited for a deer to come by. And waited. And waited.

“SShhh,” whispered Roosevelt, “I think I hear somethin’.”

Sure enough, it was a buck deer with huge antlers. They could barely contain their excitement as the buck walked toward them, closer, closer. Then “BOOM!” The sound of the rifle split the silence. They had taken their first deer of the season, the first ever for them.

Roosevelt grabbed the deer by the hind legs and started dragging him through the brush, toward the truck. “Help me, Ezra, grab that other leg,” he said. They pulled and tugged, but the antlers keep getting tangled in the weeds. They had been working unsuccessfully at dragging the deer out for about ten minutes when the game warden showed up.

“I heard your shot, and I’ll need to check your license”, he said. They handed over their licenses and the warden glanced them over. “Your paperwork’s good,” he said. “That’s a fine-looking deer you got. Is this your first one?” he asked. “Yes” Roosevelt replied. The warden said, “I noticed you were having trouble taking it out of here. You might find it easier if you pull it by the antlers.” As he walked away, he called back, “You two have a good evening.” And he left.

So Uncle Ezra and Roosevelt grabbed the deer by the antlers and began dragging him out of the woods. This time, they made much faster progress. “The Warden was shore ’nuff right,” Roosevelt said, “It’s much faster dragging him by the antlers.”

“Yeah, ’tis,” said Uncle Ezra, “We’re makin’ much better progress, but unfortunately, now we’re getting farther and farther away from the truck.”

cartoon: Gary Larson, “The Far Side”

Uncle Ezra goes Fishing

October 14, 2018 / beetle63 / 0 Comments

Uncle Ezra and his friend, Roosevelt, decided to go fishing one Saturday morning. They didn’t own a boat, so they were always restricted to casting from the water’s edge. But this day, as they pulled up to the boat dock, they saw a man was renting little john boats for $2.00 an hour.

“Hey,” said Roosevelt, “if we pool all our money, we could take a boat out for an hour or two.” Uncle Ezra thought that to be a fine idea. So they pooled the money from their pockets, looked in the dash of their truck, in the ashtrays, in the floorboards and between the seats. They came up with two dollars and fourteen cents – and they rented a boat.

The first forty-five minutes of fishing were atrocious. They had to sit extremely still, the little boat threatened to capsize. Their lines got twisted, they hooked the weeds, dropped a rod in the water, and the only bites they got were from the mosquitoes. With less than ten minutes remaining of their hour, they paddled to the center of the lake, and found a nice dark hole.

They cast out out a worm. BAM! A strike. BAM! another one, and another! As fast as they could take them off the hook and put on another worm, another line would have a fish on. Now they couldn’t keep up with the rate at which they were pulling fish in.

Roosevelt grabbed a wide black marker out of his fishing kit and drew a big black “X” on the side of the boat. “What ‘r you doin’?” asked Uncle Ezra. “I’m marking our spot,” said Roosevelt, “so’s next time we come back out here we ‘kin find ‘hit again.”

“You dumb old man, you”, said Ezra, “ ‘At ain’t gonna’ work. Don’t you know the odds are agin us gettin’ the same boat next time?”

Theodore’s Four Doors

October 13, 2018 / beetle63 / 0 Comments

Justin Wilson, Cajun cook, storyteller and comedian. 1914-2004

[Note: I don’t know for sure, but I attribute this story to Justin Wilson.]

Theodore ran a general store back in the swamp lands of Southern Louisiana. On this particular Summer day, he had invested $10 in a shiny new cuspidor. He was hoping it would keep the loafers from spitting their tobacco juice on the wooden floor.

Boudreaux is the first to walk in to Theodore’s store. “Hey, Theodore, what’s new ‘wit you today?”

“Nawthin’,” Theodore replies,”Ever’ day is de same ol’ ting.”

“Now, how come you say ‘at? Tings change. Well, Ah kin see ‘at now. Jus today yaw place has changed – why, yo got four doors now,” says Boudreaux.

“Wha duz yo mean, ‘four doorz’? he asks. “I don’ hav four dooz, I only gots da two dooz, da fron’ do’ and de back do’ .”

“No, yo got four doorz, Theo, and $10 says I kin prove it.” challenges Boudreaux.

Being unable to resist a wager, Theodore takes the bet. “Okay, den, prove it, Mon.”

“Okay,” Boudreaux begins. “Firs, yo ga da fron’ do’, and den, yo ga da back door — daz two dooz.”

“I already ‘node that,” said Theodore.

“Now, tell me, whaz yo name?” Boudreaux asks. “Well, yo knows my name,” replies Theodore. “Yeah, well sa’ yo name out lou’.”

“It’s Theodore,”

Boudreaux repeats his name,”The-o-DORE, now ‘at’s one mo’ do’ and ‘at makes three dooz.” Theodore says, “I’ll give you that, but there ain’t no fourth do’ .”

“Oh yes there is,” Boudreaux said, “I see ‘yo have a new cuspi-DOR, and that makes four doorz. So gi’me my ten dolla’ .”

Theodore pays him, but he’s upset because now he’s out $20 for the new cuspidor. About that time, Thibodaux walks in the door, and Theodore sees an opportunity… “Hey, Thibodaux, how you like the new place?” Theodore calls.

“What you mean new? ‘Tall looks th’ same to me,” replies Thibodaux.

“Oh, no! I got me four dooz now,” says Theodore.

Thibodaux looks around and says,”Where?”

Theodore says, “Well, fo’ ten dolla I’ll show you. I ga da fron’ do’ and I ga da back door — at’s two dooz.”

“I already ‘node that,” said Thibodaux.

“Now, what’s mah name?” Theodore asks. “Well, you knows “yo name,” says Thibodaux. “Yeah, well sa’ mah name, Thibodaux.”

“It’s Theodore,” Thibodaux says. Theodore repeats his name,”The-o-DORE, that’s one mo’ do’ . That makes three dooz.”

Thibodaux says, “I’ll give you that, but there ain’t no fourth do’ .”

“Oh yes there is,” Boudreaux said, “You see, I bought me one of them…

I bought one of them… ”

and Theodore was at a loss for words. “Ah, that damned ol’ spittoon done cost me thirty dolla already today!”

What’s for Dinner?

October 12, 2018 / beetle63 / 0 Comments

My wife has an ingenious system for labeling our dinner leftovers.

When we were first married, she would carefully annotate a label on food storage containers in large, clear letters: “Meatloaf,” or “Pot Roast,” or “Steak and Vegetables,” or “Chicken and Dumplings,” or “Beef Pot Pie.” etc. She knew exactly what we had in the freezer.

The problem was, every day when I came home from work, she would ask me what did I want for dinner? I never asked for any of those meals. I never told her “meatloaf,” or “pot roast,” or “steak and vegetables.” Let’s face it, leftovers are leftovers, and there’s a reason that they’re ‘left over’.

That’s when she started labeling the leftovers with the new system. She decided to stock the freezer with the things I like, the things I requested. Today, in our freezer you’ll see a whole variety of labels. You’ll find dinners with neat little tags that say: “Whatever,” “Anything,” “I Don’t Know,” “I Don’t Care,” “Something Good,” or just “Food.” No more frustration at dinner time. Now, no matter what I reply when she asks me what I want for dinner, it’s in there!

The Ozzie Burger

October 11, 2018 / beetle63 / 0 Comments

When I traveled to Australia back in 2000, I was told that whatever I did, I had to try the traditional ‘Ozzie’ or ‘Aussie Burger.’ I had never heard of an Ozzie Burger’ but I was up for it. I had already tried several different foods while I was there; the traditional – fish & chips, and veal, and non-traditional – crocodile, emu, camel and kangaroo, but the one that impressed me the most was the Ozzie Burger.

I ordered my Ozzie Burger in the Victoria’s Cross area of Sydney. When my waitress took my order, she glanced around and asked, “Are you going to eat this by yourself?” What an odd question. “I thought I would, why?” I replied. “It’s pretty big,” she said and was off to the kitchen.

Australian “Ozzie” burger, stacked beef, cheese, tomato, greens, bacon, beets, pineapple and fried egg

It was one of the biggest sandwiches I have ever seen in my life. It had several layers of different food items on it. It towered a good four inches above the stack of chips (french fries) on the side. It reminded me of Dagwood’s sandwiches in the comic strip, Blondie. I could only eat about 3/4ths of it, but the memory will last a lifetime.

The traditional Ozzie Burger is an over-the-top cheeseburger topped with unusual, but complimentary toppings: a fried egg, pickled beets, and pineapple rings for example. Don’t dismiss the beets – they are very good and taste a lot like cucumber pickles. Big cucumber pickles.

recipe

Here is a recipe for an Aussie Burger (makes 2):

fresh ground beef (use 16oz beef for 1/2 lb burgers, 12 oz beef for 1/3 lb burgers, or 8oz for 1/4 lb burgers)
2 tbsp. extra-virgin olive oil
1 tsp. dried chili peppers
1 clove garlic, finely chopped
Kosher salt
freshly ground black pepper
1/4 cup mayonnaise
2 slices sweet Vadalia onion
2 fresh pineapple rings
2 slices aged sharp cheddar
2 eggs, fried over-well
4-6 slices bacon or 2 slices ham
2 leaves of Bibb or Romaine lettuce
6-8 Spinach leaves
4 slices of pickled beet
2 slices beefsteak tomato
2 toasted hamburger buns

Set your outdoor grill or oven broiler for high heat. In a bowl, combine the beef, oil, chili, and garlic; season with salt and pepper and form into two patties.

Fry the bacon or ham until done, then set aside. In the bacon drippings, fry the onion and pineapple just until browned on each side. Next, cook the eggs until almost done, then sprinkle with water and cover, remove from heat. Grill the burgers for 5 minutes per side, or until cooked through. Toast the buns with a light coating of butter.

To Assemble sandwiches: Set bottom of the bun on a plate, cover with mayonnaise and top with a burger. Add one fried egg, a slice of cheese, a slice of ham or slices of bacon, fried onions, one or two slices of beet, a slice of pineapple, a slice of tomato, and spinach and lettuce. Spread the top bun with sauce (ketchup), mustard, and relish as desired. It is a satisfying dining experience.

Fair dinkum!!

An Age Difference

October 10, 2018 / beetle63 / 0 Comments

News Item:

by Piper Weiss | Shine.com

Doug Hutchison married Courtney Stodden (his third wife), in May of 2011 – he was 51, she was 16

Courtney Stodden has us nostalgic for the innocence of Rebecca Black. Like Black, Stodden is a teenager with a really silly video that came out of nowhere and went totally viral. But Stodden’s video isn’t what made her famous this week. It’s her husband, Doug Hutchison, a 51-year-old actor who was in “Lost” and “The Green Mile.” Hutchison wed the 16-year-old last month in a quickie Vegas ceremony.

He posted their wedding photo on his website and it made their age difference even more terrifying. It looks like a prom photo outtake of a lecherous neighbor drooling over the chest of the high school popular girl next door. It’s the kind of photo that could get a man arrested, if he wasn’t so beloved by Stodden’s family.

That news item reminds me of the time one of the older deacons, Buddy, came to church with a spry, young girl on his arm. She was dressed in a shapely dress, and dripping with jewelry. She was probably in her late 20’s or early 30’s, very cute, friendly, and energetic. Buddy had been a widower for quite some time, so it was a shock to the other deacons to see him escorting such a pretty — and young — lady.

Filled with curiosity, the other deacons pulled Buddy aside and asked him, “Buddy, How’d you get that cute young thing to be your girlfriend?” Buddy replied, “Oh, she’s not my girlfriend, she’s my new wife.”

“Your new wife?” they asked in astonishment. “How did you talk her in to marrying you?”

Candidly, Buddy replied, “I lied about my age.”

“You didn’t lie and tell her you were 50 did you?”

“Oh, no,” said Buddy, “I told her I was 70.”

A Child’s Bible

October 9, 2018 / beetle63 / 0 Comments

A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible. After careful thought and consideration, he presented “The Bible” – as seen through the eyes of a child:

The Bible

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, some dinosaurs, and some gas. The Bible says, ‘The Lord thy God is one,’ but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, ‘Give me a light!’ and someone did. Then God made the world.

God split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren’t embarrassed because mirrors hadn’t been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn’t have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million-and-something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau. Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Then Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh’s people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don’t lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor’s stuff. Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses’ best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town. After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn’t sound very wise to me. After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed out upon the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don’t have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of the New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. I wish I had been born in a barn, too, because my mom is always saying to me, ‘Close the door! Were you born in a barn?’ It would be nice to say, ‘As a matter of fact, I was.’

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn’t stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Any way’s, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

And that’s all I know about the Bible.