TOP TEN indicators you have a Bad Mall Santa
- He takes a ten minute break every time mall security walks by.
- He’s snacking on baked beans and tuna fish on garlic bread.
- He gives out cigarettes instead of candy canes.
- His photography options include a centerfold spread with himself and the elves.
- He keeps telling you what he wants for Christmas.
- You haven’t smelled a pipe like that since college.
- This year, he’s wearing a red leotard, leather thong and earrings.
- He not only knows if you’ve been naughty or nice, but knows your first name, your address, home phone number, your credit card number…
- He asks all the mommies to sit in his lap.
- Ends each sentence with “praise Allah”
Here are the Top Ten Indicators You Need a New Best Friend
- You write them a letter and address it, “Dear inmate,”
- They say,”Let’s take your car,” and they don’t intend to give it back.
- Their yearbook picture is the same as the one that hangs in the Post Office.
- They wants you to change your name to “Papa Bear”and move to a remote part of Alaska with them.
- They come over to your house to visit… your parents.
- They call you and greet you with “How’s my best friend?” and when you reply, they say, “Oh, sorry, wrong number.”
- They drive a hearse and work at a funeral home.
- They drive a hearse and don’t work at a funeral home.
- They ask you over for dinner and if you prefer roast skunk or fried kitty cat.
- They suggest “Let’s go over to your house,” but when you step outside, they lock the door behind you.