My cousin, Wayne, is an avid fisherman. He had fished all the rivers and lakes around his home in East Tennessee by the time he was fifteen. But real life sometimes distracts us from what we love to do most, and life after graduation from college is no exception. He got a job, and it took him away from the land of rivers and lakes. He moved to Boston, Massachusetts, but his desire to be out on the lake with a rod and a tackle box never subsided.
That’s a Keeper… not
After relentless bragging of his great fishing exploits to his Bostonian workmates through the years, he finally had the chance to show them exactly what he was talking about. He and two co-workers were scheduled for a conference in Knoxville, Tennessee, and he made sure to build some “leisure time” into their itinerary.
His excitement grew as he took his co-workers to the home of his
childhood, where trophy-sized mounted fish still hung in his bedroom, and a
well-used bass boat sat waiting in the garage.
So Wayne got the boat, his two friends, and all the bait they
could muster, and headed out to the lake. They had been out in the boat about
fifteen minutes when Wayne’s rod bowed over to the point it looked like it
would break. “That’s how you do it boys!” Wayne hollered. He pulled, and rested
as the fish would come in toward the boat, then turn and make a run, spinning
the line back off the reel.
After fighting for two or three minutes solid, Wayne finally
pulled in the biggest, heaviest, monster bass he had ever caught in his life. He
was already thinking about how grand it would look mounted next to the others
at his parent’s house. “What do you think of that boys?” Wayne asked his two
guests with obvious pride.
“We thought you said you caught big fish here in Tennessee. Back home,
we just throw those small ones back.”
Disheartened, Wayne said, “We do too.” and tossed the behemoth back into the water – to which his two guests immediately confessed, “Are you kidding us? You threw it back? That was the biggest fish we ever saw caught in our lives!”
John Rocker, controversial pitcher for the Atlanta Braves
When we lived in Florida, we lived near the Brevard County Manatees’ stadium. Several professional teams used the stadium for Spring training. On this occasion, the Atlanta Braves were having an exposition game. My neighbor, Gene, asked if he could take my seven-year-old son along with his sons to watch the game.
I said, “Sure.”
After the game, my son came home and told me what a good time he had. He
showed me a baseball he had bought, and told me about eating hot dogs and
peanuts. Then he went to bed.
The next day, Gene was over.
“Did you see the baseball your son bought?” Gene asked.
“I did.” I answered.
“We stood in line over an hour to get John Rocker’s autograph,” Gene said.
The pitcher for Atlanta at the time was John Rocker. He
was quite a controversial figure. In a January 2000 Sports Illustrated
interview, Rocker had made some disparaging comments about New Yorkers. When
asked whether he would ever play for the New York Yankees or the New York Mets,
Rocker’s response was:
“I’d retire first… Imagine… you’re riding through [a city like] Beirut
next to some kid with purple hair, next to some queer with AIDS, right next to
some dude who just got out of jail for the fourth time, right next to some
20-year-old mom with four kids. It’s depressing.” Later he said, “Nowhere
else in the country do people spit at you, throw bottles at you, throw quarters
at you… I talked about what degenerates they were and they proved me right.”
“What?” I asked. “You all stood in line over an hour for John Rocker’s
autograph? There was no autograph on the ball.”
“Oh yeah,” said Gene. “We got John Rocker’s autograph on your son’s
baseball,” he repeated.
“I don’t think so,” I told him, and went to get the ball.
Turning the ball over and over, I saw no evidence of a signature. I handed
it to Gene.
“That’s the ball,” he said, “but there’s no signature!”
So I called my son over. “Son, did John Rocker sign his autograph on your
baseball the other night?”
“Yeah, Dad, some guy wrote his name on it.” he replied.
“Well, where’s the signature?”
“I didn’t like it,” he said. “It just looked like a bunch of
scribble-scrabble to me so I wiped it off.”
The following is a list of the TOP TEN things you will never see on
Star Trek.
#10. The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type that is both harmless and they have encountered several times before.
#9. The Enterprise answers a distress call from a remote outpost of scientists, who are all perfectly fine and sent the distress call as a prank because they were lonely.
#8. Some of the crew visit the holodeck, and it works perfectly.
#7. Dr McCoy asks if he can try to fix the hyper-drive, even though he is a
doctor and not an engineer.
#6. The Enterprise successfully transports several alien VIP’s from one
place to another without any serious personality conflicts.
#5. Dr McCoy refuses to treat Lt Uhura because she has no health insurance.
#4. The Enterprise visits an earth-type planet called “Paradise,” where
everyone is beautiful and happy all the time. It is later revealed that the
planet is exactly what it seems to be.
#3. The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp experience which does
not take them to the late 20th Century.
#2. Captain Kirk is introduced to a beautiful woman, but he is not
interested.
and the #1 thing you will not see on Star Trek: An away crew beams down to the planet’s surface and the crew members wearing red shirts make it back to the ship safely.
The weather’s been nice here. It only rained twice this week: three days the first time and four days the second time. The coat you wanted me to send you, you’ll have to sew the buttons back on. Your Ant Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them metal buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
Your father has an important new job. He now has over 500
men under him. He is cutting the grass at the cemetery. Your sister had her
baby this morning. I haven’t found out whether it is a boy or a girl, so I
don’t know if you are an aunt or an uncle. The neighbor’s wife had twins and he
is out with a shotgun looking for the other man.
Your brother is turning in to a neighborhood bully. He can beat up all the kids around except for the Murphy kids; they’re both boys. Two of your high school friends died the other day. They went off the Cedar Narrows bridge in a pickup truck. Paul was driving; Randy and Scott were in the back. Paul got Out. He rolled the window down and swam to safety. The other two drowned; they couldn’t get the tailgate down.
Your Uncle Jim fell in the whiskey vat at work. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off. He drowned with a smile on his face. We had him cremated and he burned for three days. Grampa went to the doctor. He wasn’t feeling too well. The doctor told him, “take one of these pills a day for the rest of your life.” Grampa is quite upset ‘cause the doctor only gave him thirty pills. Grandma may be back with us soon. The funeral home said if we didn’t make the last payment on grandma’s funeral, up she comes.
Well, that’s all the news for now. I would enclose some spendin’ money for you, but I’ve already sealed the envelope.
NOTE: This application will be considered incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, family lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.
— SECTION 1 : GENERAL INFORMATION —
FULL NAME ___________________________________________________
Explain why you have these nicknames _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
AGE ______ DATE OF BIRTH _________________
Is your date of birth within 2 years of my daughter’s? ___Yes __ No
HEIGHT ______________
WEIGHT ______________
IQ _____________ GPA _____________
SOCIAL SECURITY # _________________
DRIVERS LICENSE # _____________________
SELECTIVE SERVICE #____________________
Boy Scout rank and highest badges earned ____________________________________________
HOME ADDRESS ___________________________
CITY/STATE ______________ ZIP ___________
Do you have 2 parents? ___ Yes ___ No Is one male and the other female? ___ Yes ___ No If Not, explain:__________________________________________
Are your parents married? ____ Yes ___ No Number of years they have been married _______ If less than your age, explain ______________________________________________
Where do you live?
___ with my parents
___ in a dorm room
___ with friends
___ have my own place
___ with my ex
___ wherever, dude
— SECTION 2: LIFESTYLE —
Do you own or have access to:
a van? ___ Yes ___ No
a truck with oversized tires? ___ Yes ___ No
a waterbed? ___ Yes ___ No
Do you have: a tattoo? ___ Yes ___ No an earring, nose ring or any other piercing? ___ Yes ___ No (pierced tongue, pierced nipples or an ear gauge?)
Do you:
Use tobacco? ___ Yes ___ No
Smoke weed? ___ Yes ___ No
Drink alcohol? ___ Yes ___ No
Huff? ___ Yes ___ No
Take drugs? ___ Yes ___ No
Have sex regularly? ___ Yes ___ No
NOTE: IF YOU ANSWERED ‘YES’ TO ANY OF THE ABOVE QUESTIONS, YOU MAY DISCONTINUE YOUR APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES QUICKLY AND IMMEDIATELY.
— SECTION 3: ESSAY questions —
Describe in 50 words or less, what ‘LATE’ means to you. ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Describe in 50 words or less, what ‘DON’T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER’ means to you.
The annual office Christmas Party – looks like fun, but is it?
There is nothing in social relations that produces more terror than The Annual Office Christmas Party. There is reportedly no worse source of nightmares. yet every year, we dutifully shuffle off to endure this one night of intentional torture.
It’s a party and it’s supposed to be fun — yet it is precisely not fun. Indeed, anyone seeking fun would most probably and more likely find it almost anywhere else. But we are governed by two truths:
Truth 1: Everyone at the party appears as though they are there to see and socialize with their co-workers, when really they are there only to protect their precarious economic position. After all, if two co-workers really wanted to see each other, then why do they communicate by email when they sit in adjacent cubicles?
Truth 2: In its apparently voluntary nature, it appears to make people welcome and to feel like they belong to the corporate whole, yet the discerning observer will notice exactly the opposite. Namely, the fellowship degrades into intimate gatherings of gossipy individuals who have previously alienated themselves from the corporate whole.
The only thing I can think of that’s worse than having to attend the Annual Office Christmas Party, is having to host the annual office Christmas party.
Thursday, December 1
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees SUBJECT: Office Christmas Party on December 23d
I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on Friday, December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi’s Italian Bistro. This gathering is for employees only. There will be a pay-as-you-go bar, but plenty of free punch and eggnog! We’ll have a small band playing traditional Christmas carols… so feel free to sing along. And don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! The Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 p.m. and we will exchange gifts among employees. However, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the gift-giving easy on everyone’s pocketbook. A special announcement will be made by our CFO at the end of the evening!
Merry Christmas to you and your
families,
Patty
Friday, December 2
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources
Director
TO: All Employees
SUBJECT: Office Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. Christmas is an important holiday which often coincides with Hanukkah, though unfortunately not this year. The CEO has asked me to remind you that the company does not discriminate against any employees based on religious beliefs. However, to prevent this misconception, from now on we’re calling this event our “Office Holiday Party.” Also, there will be a “Holiday” tree present, and we will no longer be singing “Christmas” carols. However, we will have other types of seasonal music playing for your enjoyment. This same policy applies for employees who will be celebrating “Kwanzaa” at this time.
Happy Holidays to you and your families,
Patty
Monday,
December 5
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources
Director
TO: All Employees
SUBJECT: Office Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from an employee who is a recovering alcoholic who was requesting a special “non-alcoholic” table… You didn’t sign your name. I’m happy to accommodate your request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, “Alcoholics Anonymous” you won’t be anonymous anymore.
Patty
Tuesday,
December 6
FROM: Patty Lewis
TO: All Employees
SUBJECT: Office Holiday Party
Forget about the gift exchange at the office holiday party. We will have no gift exchange since the Worker’s Union contacted me with a grievance saying that they are being coerced into giving gifts to management. Instead, the executive board has voted to add a $10.00 bonus to each employee’s paycheck. Again, THERE WILL BE NO GIFT EXCHANGES.
Patty
Wednesday,
December 7
FROM: Patty Lewis
TO: All Employees
SUBJECT: Office Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees’ beliefs. Luigi’s has agreed to hold off serving the meals until after sunset. For those of you with babysitters and have to leave early, you must stay until all the planned events are over and our own “little Santa in a red suit” makes the special announcement. Luigi’s can package your meals for take-home. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Over-eaters Anonymous to sit the farthest from the dessert buffet and the two pregnant women will have a table close to the restrooms. There will be a table for “Single Gay Men,” but gay male employees are not required to sit there, they will be allowed to sit with each other at a couple’s table. The lesbians do not have to sit at a couple’s table with the single gay men, unless they want to. And yes, there will be a take-home flower centerpiece on the ‘Single Gay Men’s’ table. To the trans-sexual who asked if they can cross-dress, no. Cross-dressing will not be allowed. This is a Holiday party, not a costume party.
Finally, for our ‘little’ people we will have three booster seats available, and of course, Luigi’s is wheelchair accessible. Low-fat food will be available for those on a low-fat diet. Luigi’s restaurant does not serve “sugar-free” desserts, but there will be a limited quantity of fresh fruits for Diabetics. Those on an Atkins diet will be seated away from the dessert table and will be provided all-meat, low-carbohydrate meal. A cheese-and-bean dish will be substituted for the meat entrée for the vegetarians and vegans (V&Vs) who will not be seated near the “Atkins” table. We cannot control the amount of salt used in the food, so we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste their food first before loading up their plate. Sorry!
Okay, Did I miss anything? Patty
Thursday,
December 8
FROM: Patty
TO: All Employees
SUBJECT: Office Holiday Party
I have just been informed that December 22 marks the Winter Solstice. Local Fire Regulations prohibit the open burning of sage by our “Earth-Goddess-worshiping” employees, but we’ll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band’s breaks. Okay???… I don’t know what else you can expect me to do, maybe sacrifice a naked woman?
P
Friday,
December 9
FROM: Patty
TO: All Employees
SUBJECT: Office Holiday Party
People, people! I was joking about the naked sacrifice. I realize NOBODY wants to see that!.
Also, there was nothing sinister intended by my referral of the CFO as “our own little Santa in a red suit,” even though some employees have pointed out the anagram of “Santa” happens to be “Satan” and Satan wears red. And there is no evil connotation to my earlier remark that “he will be making a special announcement.” No one is losing their job! It’s a flippin’ tradition, folks! Like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey, or broken hearts on Valentine’s Day. Get over it! Could we all just lighten up? Please????????? Regardless, the company has changed their mind about making the special announcement at the gathering. Instead, you will get a notification in the mail sent to your home.
P
Monday,
December 12
FROM: Patty
TO: All you #%&$**@ Employees
SUBJECT:The %#*&^%@*% Office Holiday Party
I have NO FREAKIN’ idea what the G*&#&p;8^ announcement is about. What the %#&^??? I DO NOT KNOW if it is about a “Christmas-” or “Holiday-” or “Kwanzaa-” or “Ramadan-” or “Earth-goddess-worshiper” bonus! I DO NOT KNOW if they are increasing hours or cutting hours or reducing non-pay benefits, or taking away the health plan. I don’t know how or if the $10 bonus gift will affect your end-of-year taxes! I work in HUMAN resources — NOT FINANCIAL Resources. As such, I do not control your stinking financial situation!!!! I KNOW YOU’RE EACH GETTING A $10 BONUS and that’s all I need to know!!!!!!!!!!!!
And about the last-minute address changes I have been receiving for the ‘special announcement’ mailing: I have been asking FOR MONTHS for everyone to update their mailing address. It is now TOO LATE. If ONE MORE IDIOT comes to me now to update their Fre@k!ng address, they’re going to get a letter opener in the gut! You come to my office and try to change your address now, and you are dead meat!!!!!!!!!!!! NO MORE CHANGE OF ADDRESSES!!!!!! Any one who tries… you will be found hanging from the ceiling in the warehouse!!!!!!!!!!!
I MEAN IT!!! Enough!!!!
Tuesday,
December 13
FROM: Patty TO: All YOU A$$H0Le5 SUBJECT:The F******* Office Holiday Party
BIO-SUSTAINABLE ORGANIC-VEGANS!?!?!? I’ve had it with you people!!! We’re going to keep this party at Luigi’s Italian Restaurant whether you like it or not. If you don’t like it, you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the “grill of animal death,” and eat the hydroponic tomatoes, the stinking bean sprouts, and the rancid tofu from the #$%^&*! salad bar. — But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. Tomatoes SCREAM when you slice them! I’ve heard them scream! I’m hearing them scream right now! HOW MANY INNOCENT TOMATOES HAVE TO BE TORTURED AND KILLED to feed your fat arse? >>>>>>> HA, HA, HA ! I hope you ALL have a rotten, lousy, stinking, depressing, joyless, hopeless, revolting holiday! Drive drunk and DIE!!!!! I don’t care anymore!
The B—- from HELL!!!!!!!!
Wednesday,
December 14
FROM: Terri Bishop
Executive Director and Acting Director of Human Resources
RE: Patty Lewis and the Holiday
Party
I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and subsequent hospitalization, and I’ll continue to forward your get-well cards to her at Covenant Mental Health Facility. In the meantime, company management has decided to cancel our annual Holiday Party and give everyone paid time off for the afternoon of December the 23rd to spend time with their family and loved ones.
Happy Holidays everyone! and enjoy
your family time,
