Tag: tests

I’m Sorry, Wilbur is Dead

When my daughter was young, she had a pet hamster. She named him Wilbur. She would set Wilbur beside her while she watched cartoons on TV and play with him during the commercials. That is, if he didn’t sneak off while she wasn’t paying attention to him.

Now, hamsters are not known for their longevity. One day Rachael brought Wilbur to me and said something was wrong with him. He was stiff, cold and not breathing. Honey, I’m afraid Wilbur is dead.”

“No, he isn’t!” she protested.

“I’m pretty sure he is.” I replied.

“No, we have to take him to the doctor, she cried.

So we took him to a veterinarian.

The vet broke the news to Rachael. “Rachael, Your father is correct. It was Wilbur’s time to go, and he is no longer with us.” Then he said to me, “That’ll be $10 for the visit.”

Amid Rachael’s sobbing and disbelief, I asked, “You’re absolutely sure he’s gone?”

“Well, just a minute,” he said, and brought in a calico tabby. The cat licked Wilbur from head to toe, then lowered her head and gave a soft, “meow.” The vet then brought in a Golden Retriever. The dog sniffed Wilbur, then lowered his head and gave a soft, “woof.” “That’s conclusive, said the vet. “He’s definitely dead,” and added, “that will be $250 for the visit.”

“Now wait a minute,” I said, “It was only a $10 visit a minute ago.”

“Well, yes,” said the vet. “That was before you requested a cat scan and the lab test.”

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Congrats! You’re Cured!

A new doctor puts out his shingle

A retired metropolitan doctor decided his small hometown could use the services of a seasoned medical provider, so he left retirement and hung out his shingle for the second time in his life. To drum up business, he took out an ad in the local paper announcing his return to the practice of medicine. The ad said, “Experienced Doctor opening medical clinic in town, is now accepting new patients. ‘I Can heal any condition for only $300. Results guaranteed or I will give you $1000 cash back.’”

Eventually, one of the younger doctors in town started losing business to the older man. He decided to take revenge on the older provider. He would pretend to be a patient, and fake an illness that the older doctor couldn’t possibly heal. Then he would collect his $1000 cash reward.

The younger doctor went in and said, “Doctor, I’ve got an illness that no other physician has been able to cure. I have lost all sense of taste in my mouth. It is so bad, I can’t enjoy food any more.”

The older doctor called out, “Nurse, bring out a medicine dropper of Formula #2 and put three drops on the patient’s tongue.”

As the nurse placed the drops on the young doctor’s tongue, he screamed out, “Are you trying to kill me? That tastes like kerosene!!!”

The older doctor said, “Congratulations! You’re cured, that’ll be $300.”

A week went by and the young doctor returned for a second round. “Doctor, I have memory problems. I can’t seem to remember anything.”

The older doctor asked, “How long has this been going on?”

“How long has what been going on?” replied the younger doctor, feeling mighty smug.

“I see,” said the elder.” Nurse, please bring out a medicine dropper of Formula #2 and put three drops on the patient’s tongue.”

“No way!”, said the younger doctor, “‘Formula #2’ tastes like kerosene.”

The older doctor said, “Congratulations! You’re cured, that’ll be $300.”

The younger doctor pouted for a week then decided to give the old man one final challenge. This time he would pretend to be blind. Donning dark glasses and a cane, he went to see the older physician. “Doctor, I’ve gone blind, I can’t see a thing anymore.” he said. After a series of inconclusive tests, the young man said, “Doc, just admit you can’t do anything for me and give me my thousand dollars.”

The older doctor says, “You’re right, I may have been a little ambitious in my claim. Here’s your thousand dollars,” He counted out loudly: “$100 – $200 – $300 – $400…” as he placed ten $10 bills in the patient’s hand.

“Hey, that’s not a thousand dollars,” objected the younger doctor, “that’s only a hundred. What are you trying to pull?” To which the elder replied, “Congratulations! You’re cured, that’ll be $300.”

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