In the churches I have attended, when a pastor leaves, the church body elects a “Pastor Search Committee” whose job it is to interview pastoral candidates, negotiate a compensation package, and ultimately hire a pastor.

Report from the Pastor Search Committee

We of the Pastor Search Committee do not have a happy report to give. We have not been able to find a suitable pastoral candidate for this church, though there were quite a few promising prospects. The following is ourconfidential report listing the candidates and our reasons for rejecting them.

ADAM: Could not confirm his ethnicity. Sounds like a good man, but blames his wife when things go wrong. I also heard that he and his wife were nudists.

NOAH: Had a former mega-pastorate for 120 years but no converts. He’s prone to radical building projects. A big animal lover. I understand his last neighborhood received a flood of complaints right as he was leaving town.

JOSEPH: A big thinker. Excellent business acumen with budgets and managing resources. But he’s a braggart. He believes in dream interpretation, and I think he served some time in jail for accosting his boss’s wife.

MOSES: A modest and meek man, but a poor communicator; has a speech impediment. Prone to anger and reacts rashly in business meetings. He claims to hear quotes directly from God. Some say he had to leave town over accusations of a murder charge. He’s too intense for most folks. And someone said he was a basket case from the beginning.

ESTHER: Female.

SAUL: A promising candidate, tall, strong, handsome, and a popular leader. However, I found out later he was only selected out of desperation.

DAVID: I found David to be the most promising candidate of all until I discovered he had an affair with his neighbor¹s wife. And then her husband mysteriously died in battle? Don’t know how we could respect him.

SOLOMON: Great preacher, but he’s a player, has had serious issues with women. He is Independently wealthy, so there’s a possibility the church could pay him less and he can cover the difference. Of concern is a possibility that he may have more than one wife.

ELIJAH: Prone to depression and collapses under pressure. He hasn’t returned my calls, and no one has seen him in a long time. Doesn¹t play well with religious leaders of other denominations.

HOSEA: A tender and loving pastor, but there’s concern over his wife¹s occupation.

JONAH: This man is crazy. He told me he was swallowed up by a great fish. He said the fish spit him out on the shore nearly three days later. Oh, and he lived for a while under a giant pumpkin, too.

AMOS: Too much of a country hick. Backward and unpolished. With some seminary he might have promise; but he has a hang-up against wealthy people.

JOHN: Says he is a Baptist, but dresses like a hippie. He may be too Pentecostal. Tends to lift both hands in the air to worship when he gets excited. He currently sleeps outdoors, does one of those weird organic diets, and provokes other denominational leaders.

PETER: He has a bad temper, even said to have cursed on occasions. He’s a loose cannon.

PAUL: A powerful motivator and fascinating preacher; and he’s a published author. However, he’s short on tact, unforgiving with younger ministers, harsh, and has been known to preach all night. Very offensive to women when he starts his “submission” stuff. And he’s been arrested on more than one occasion.

TIMOTHY: Too young and inexperienced.

JESUS: He has a popular following occasionally. Once, when his church grew to 5000 almost overnight, he managed toHT offend them all with his message. Eventually, that church dwindled down to twelve people… and one of them turned against him for some reason. Even the faithful finally left his team. Critics report he seldom stays in one place very long, is easily distracted by poor, sick, and needy people, so he doesn’t focus on preaching. Disappeared for forty days one time to go camping and everyone thought he had left the ministry. He spends a lot of time in meditation, and not enough in the office. And, by the way, he is single, which should disqualify him automatically. It’s reported He hangs out with sinners most of the time. Rumor has it he’s got crossed up with the government some how. He’s been subpoenaed several times. Besides, he’s Jewish.

We intend to keep looking until we find the perfect pastor for our Church, but it’s not looking good at this point.


Pastor Search Committee.