In many ways, it’s obvious that men and women are different. But there are subtle differences as well. For instance, women sit and walk with their elbows tucked in, men sit and walk with elbows out.
If you ask a woman to ‘look at her nails,’ she will hold her hand with the back-side up; fingers pointed straight out to see how her nails look compared to each other, and in the overall presentation of hands, fingernails, rings, and bracelets. When you ask a man to ‘look at his nails,’ he will hold his hand palm-up, curling the fingers back to examine the length, cleanliness, and evenness of the nails. When it comes to many subjects, men and women simply have different points of view:
- If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other ‘Laura’, ‘Kate’ and ‘Sarah’.
- If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will refer to each other as ‘Fatz’, ‘Moe’ and ‘Dingle’.
- Neither Mike, Dave nor John really care where they eat lunch, as long as the food tastes good and comes in a man-sized portion.
- Laura doesn’t eat meat, although dairy and eggs are OK; she prefers a salad bar, and fried foods are definitely out. Kate will not eat ethnic foods nor seafood, and does not like dining in dimly-lit restaurants; she prefers to dine al fresco. Sarah doesn’t care as long as the napkins are cloth and she’s not seated near the traffic of the front door. It takes as long to choose a place as is does to eat.
- When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in a $20, even though the bill is only $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and no one will admit they want change back.
- Laura, Kate and Sarah each carry a pocket calculator and a purse full of pennies for just such occasions.
- John goes directly to hardware, determines which of the three varieties of crescent wrenches he needs, and proceeds to check-out. He may buy a pack of gum at the register.
- Like a butterfly in a flower garden, Kate will flutter from display rack to display rack, sometimes revisiting the same one two or three times. She is attracted to bright colors and things that reflect light. Before she leaves, she will stop by the clearance isle, wall hangings, and the shoe department, even if she’s done shopping. On the way out, she’ll pick up Static Guard, breath mints, Diet Coke and a candy bar at the register.
- Dave will pay $2.oo for a $1.oo item that he feels he needs.
- Sarah will pay $1.oo for a $2.oo item that she doesn’t need, but is on sale.
- If Sarah likes Laura’s blouse, she will not let on. If, on the other hand, the color is wrong for Laura’s skin type, or the fit gives Laura the silhouette of a cow, Sarah will rave over the blouse so as to not hurt her friend’s feelings. Secretly, she is hoping Laura will wear the hideous thing again the next time they’re out together. She’ll also compliment her ugly shoes.
- If Mike likes John’s shirt, he’ll say, “I like your shirt” to which John will reply “Thanks.” — End of conversation —
- If (God forbid) Laura and Kate wear the same dress to a party, one or both of them will slip into the restroom and remove their hem or cut the sleeves off, to differentiate themselves. Either way, Laura and Kate will hate each other for months.
- If Mike and Dave wear the same shirt to a party, they will hug and laugh, and take a ‘selfie’ to show everyone that they are really twins separated at birth.
- A man describes a car by year, make, model, trim level, horsepower, torque, and top speed.
- A woman describes a car by color.
- Dave has six items in his bathroom: 1) toothbrush, 2) toothpaste, 3) shaving cream, 4) razor, 5) a comb, and 6) cologne his wife bought him.
- Kate has a least 40 items in the bathroom that she can’t live without. This includes such things as blush brushes in four different firmnesses, an articulated eyelash curler, fingernail brushes, clippers and files, and both hair-curling and hair-straightening irons. A man would not be able to identify the remaining 20-30 items.
- A man will shave and dress up for weddings and funerals.
- A woman will dress up and apply makeup to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, or get the mail.
on ‘Natural’ beauty:
- A light beard and mussed hair make a man look ‘rugged’.
- A light beard and mussed hair make a woman look old.
- A woman must have the last word in any argument.
- Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
- A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
- A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.
- A woman knows all about her children. She knows their bithdays, when their next dentist appointment is, their best friends, their love interests, their favorite foods, their secret fears, and their hopes and dreams.
- A man is aware of some short people living in the house and making noise.
- A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
- A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
- A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
- A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
A married man should forget all the mistakes he has made in his life. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing!