My daughter may be a grown up, mature woman to you, but to me, even if she’s over 30, she will still be my little girl.
Rule #1: Picking her up
If you pull into my driveway and honk, you’d better be delivering a package,
because you’re sure not picking anything up.
Rule #2: Proper attire
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your
age to wear their trousers so loosely that they fall off their hips. I want to
be fair and open-minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may
date my daughter with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big,
however, in order to ensure that your pants do not “fall off” during the course
of your date with my daughter, I will take my staple gun and fasten your
trousers securely in place. ‘Hot pants’, ‘short-shorts’ and ‘topless’ are never
acceptable… on either of you.
Rule #3: The Wait
As you sit in my front room, waiting for my daughter to appear, and an hour has
passed, do not sigh and fidget or roll your eyes at me. If you want to be on
time for a movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her
makeup and fixing her hair, a process than can take longer than painting the
Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just sitting there, why don’t you do something
useful, like change the oil in my car or clean my toilets?
Rule #4: Topics of discussion
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we
should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not
do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you
expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need to
hear from you on this subject is: ‘early.’
Rule #5: Lies, drinking, foul language, drugs
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be dim-witted, but on issues relating to my
daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless master of your universe. If I ask you
where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the
truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
- If you are planning on drinking alcohol – don’t.
- If you plan on using foul language – don’t.
- If you plan to use drugs – don’t.
If you plan on lying to me about any of the preceding topics – don’t. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and several acres of woodland. Do not lie to me.
Rule #6: Where you may and may
not go
The following places are considered appropriate for a date with my daughter:
- Shoney’s
- Pizza Hut
- Taco Bell
- McDonald’s
– I realize that Denny’s is open 24 hours a day. Eating there between 8:30 a.m. and 10:30 p.m. is OK. Eating there between 10:30 p.m. and 8:30 the next morning is not.
– Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided. Movies that feature chain saws are OK. Disney movies are even better.
The following places are considered inappropriate for a date with my daughter:
- Places where there are beds
- places where there are sofas
- places with anything softer than a wooden stool
- Places where there is darkness
- Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or hugging going on
- Places where the temperature is warm enough to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts
School functions are okay, church is better, Retirement Homes are even better.
Rule #7: Eye and hand contact
Do not stare at, or touch my daughter inappropriately. You
may glance at her, and admire her dress, but you do not stare anywhere below
her neck. You may look at her face. You may look in her eyes. But remember, her
eyes are not anywhere near her necklace, so you should not be spending a lot of
time looking there. Do not touch her ANYWHERE below the neckline
either. If you cannot keep your hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove
them for you.
Rule #8: Sex
There will not be any.
Rule #9: Your physical well-being
I was in the military. It takes very little for me to mistake
the sound of your car in the driveway for a ‘chopper coming in over Mogadishu.
When my Battlefield Post-Traumatic Stress starts acting up, the voices
in my head frequently tell me to clean and load my guns. For your own
well-being, as soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with
both hands in plain sight. Announce in a loud, clear voice that you have
brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car and depart –
there is no need for you to come inside. I will be awake.
Rule #10: Termination of the relationship
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. As long as my daughter understands this, it is fine with me. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date her, and no one else but her, until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
