Tag: Adam

Pastor Search

In the churches I have attended, when a pastor leaves, the church body elects a “Pastor Search Committee” whose job it is to interview pastoral candidates, negotiate a compensation package, and ultimately hire a pastor.

Report from the Pastor Search Committee

We of the Pastor Search Committee do not have a happy report to give. We have not been able to find a suitable pastoral candidate for this church, though there were quite a few promising prospects. The following is ourconfidential report listing the candidates and our reasons for rejecting them.

ADAM: Could not confirm his ethnicity. Sounds like a good man, but blames his wife when things go wrong. I also heard that he and his wife were nudists.

NOAH: Had a former mega-pastorate for 120 years but no converts. He’s prone to radical building projects. A big animal lover. I understand his last neighborhood received a flood of complaints right as he was leaving town.

JOSEPH: A big thinker. Excellent business acumen with budgets and managing resources. But he’s a braggart. He believes in dream interpretation, and I think he served some time in jail for accosting his boss’s wife.

MOSES: A modest and meek man, but a poor communicator; has a speech impediment. Prone to anger and reacts rashly in business meetings. He claims to hear quotes directly from God. Some say he had to leave town over accusations of a murder charge. He’s too intense for most folks. And someone said he was a basket case from the beginning.

ESTHER: Female.

SAUL: A promising candidate, tall, strong, handsome, and a popular leader. However, I found out later he was only selected out of desperation.

DAVID: I found David to be the most promising candidate of all until I discovered he had an affair with his neighbor¹s wife. And then her husband mysteriously died in battle? Don’t know how we could respect him.

SOLOMON: Great preacher, but he’s a player, has had serious issues with women. He is Independently wealthy, so there’s a possibility the church could pay him less and he can cover the difference. Of concern is a possibility that he may have more than one wife.

ELIJAH: Prone to depression and collapses under pressure. He hasn’t returned my calls, and no one has seen him in a long time. Doesn¹t play well with religious leaders of other denominations.

HOSEA: A tender and loving pastor, but there’s concern over his wife¹s occupation.

JONAH: This man is crazy. He told me he was swallowed up by a great fish. He said the fish spit him out on the shore nearly three days later. Oh, and he lived for a while under a giant pumpkin, too.

AMOS: Too much of a country hick. Backward and unpolished. With some seminary he might have promise; but he has a hang-up against wealthy people.

JOHN: Says he is a Baptist, but dresses like a hippie. He may be too Pentecostal. Tends to lift both hands in the air to worship when he gets excited. He currently sleeps outdoors, does one of those weird organic diets, and provokes other denominational leaders.

PETER: He has a bad temper, even said to have cursed on occasions. He’s a loose cannon.

PAUL: A powerful motivator and fascinating preacher; and he’s a published author. However, he’s short on tact, unforgiving with younger ministers, harsh, and has been known to preach all night. Very offensive to women when he starts his “submission” stuff. And he’s been arrested on more than one occasion.

TIMOTHY: Too young and inexperienced.

JESUS: He has a popular following occasionally. Once, when his church grew to 5000 almost overnight, he managed toHT offend them all with his message. Eventually, that church dwindled down to twelve people… and one of them turned against him for some reason. Even the faithful finally left his team. Critics report he seldom stays in one place very long, is easily distracted by poor, sick, and needy people, so he doesn’t focus on preaching. Disappeared for forty days one time to go camping and everyone thought he had left the ministry. He spends a lot of time in meditation, and not enough in the office. And, by the way, he is single, which should disqualify him automatically. It’s reported He hangs out with sinners most of the time. Rumor has it he’s got crossed up with the government some how. He’s been subpoenaed several times. Besides, he’s Jewish.

We intend to keep looking until we find the perfect pastor for our Church, but it’s not looking good at this point.


Pastor Search Committee.

A Child’s Bible

A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible. After careful thought and consideration, he presented “The Bible” – as seen through the eyes of a child:

The Bible

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, some dinosaurs, and some gas. The Bible says, ‘The Lord thy God is one,’ but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, ‘Give me a light!’ and someone did. Then God made the world.

God split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren’t embarrassed because mirrors hadn’t been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn’t have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million-and-something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau. Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Then Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh’s people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don’t lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor’s stuff. Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses’ best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town. After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn’t sound very wise to me. After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed out upon the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don’t have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of the New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. I wish I had been born in a barn, too, because my mom is always saying to me, ‘Close the door! Were you born in a barn?’ It would be nice to say, ‘As a matter of fact, I was.’

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn’t stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Any way’s, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

And that’s all I know about the Bible.